Baby Carrots:):)

I really love baby carrots. The name is so cute. I wonder how they are made. Do they give them anti-growth hormones??

Today was a good day. No matter what anyone says, today was an amazing day. To see him smile once makes it a good day.

I love him... I have never loved anyone before. I love him more than words can say. I have never been so emotionally attached. Wow, I have never been so proud of someone like I am of him. Hehehe, good things come out of everything. Life is good to good people. That's why I don't worry a day about my future nor his. I know good people are meant to be happy. And I have never been happier in his arms. He can do this to me with one smile. I hope he smiles every day:) He is just flawless:) and this couldn't be better.

I am happy for my future...

Saturday morning!

What an obvious title. Saturday mornings are my favorite now. I don't have to wake up 4:00 in the morning. It just woke up about 3 minutes ago. I feel amazing. You know sometimes I have so much to say and the right words never come out. So I decided to say less... Maybe that is the reason I have not been updating so much.

I am really excited because my brother is coming to see me May 10th. He said he missed me. I miss him just as much if not more. Why do I attach myself to people like this? I should be the only one who controls my feelings but now it seems like I have no control in my life. I don't know if I like this. It seems like I never know what's going to happen because I don't have say in anything....

I am in shock. People care for me. Unbelievable. They really do. My mother really cares for me although she sucks at showing it. Almost everyone sucks at making me feel loved. But it's okay. Because I learned to deal with it. Deep inside I know people and how they feel even if they treat me badly.

All my life, I had to deal with people. I just kind of brushed it off. But I was spoiled for 9 months. For the first time in my life. Hehe, what a selfish thing to say, but I am not spoiled anymore. Welcome to the real world.

I know this is how everything will be like. Get used to it. I have been hearing this alot. Good things come out of bad things so nothing is ever bad. Life loves me even if no one else does.

I don't know how I put myself in such a mood in less then 3 minutes. I love everything. I am so excited for the next 12 or 13 hours. I love it. I love this. I love myself and I don't want to die:)

This is what it feels like

when he doesn't want you
when he doesn't love you
when he doesn't want to be around you
when you can't make him happy
when you are not enough
when you suck at life
when you are an awful person
when you are nothing but shit
when he doesn't trust you
when he doesn't say it back
when he smiles just out of pity
when he pities you
when he calls you a bitch
when he yells at you
when your family is no longer a support
when you hate life
when you hate everything but him
when you need him, love him, want him, but he he just doesn't give a fuck

Difficulties

Today is April 21st. Prom is in a month. IB tests are after next week. I am so excited for school being over I am not even freaking out about IB tests. I do not even care about them. I am excited for prom. I am excited:):) Hehe.

It is hard to work right across from Godiva Chocolatier. All I wanna do is go buy a pound of chocolate. hehe. It is so hard to work at Guess as well. I want to buy everything.

Anyways, I am going to work out:)

Why is "goodnight" a single word and "good morning" two???

I don't know why my mind is so full of stuff. I don't know why I have not done anything for school for the past 2 months. I am surprised at how I am not failing any classes. I don't even have any Ds. Although, I deserve them. I need to put myself together and do my homework. I should be happy and I am... But I dunno why I act this way. I am just hurt by life. I dont know what that is supposed to mean. I don't know why.

I should be happy because I have everything I need. Everyone I love is right by me. I need to keep my loved ones close and my enemies far far away. I don't think I have any enemies. I am kind of tired. But I need to do study. I don't know what is wrong. I don't think anything is wrong. Am I just thinking too hard and making my perfect life imperfect? I don't know, the only thing that is perfect in my life is... He is the only one.

I have a virus in my computer and it sucks. I wish I could be with him right now. The only time I can be myself... the only time I can think sraight... the only time I am happy is when I am with him. I bet he doesn't even know/realize how he influences me.....

I don't know why my friends are stupid or act stupid or say stupid things. They just simply don't know/understand.... i don't know. They don't care. Therefore I shouldn't care. i am exhausted. I should go to sleep. But I can't. I am waiting for his phone call. I don't know. I hope he calls. I need to turn in my math homework tomorrow morning. Katelyn said she would take it late. This whole group presentations deal is retarded. No one really knows what the hell they are talking about. Mr. Kelly just sits there and does nothing. How about he taught us the review material instead of retarded students who don't know what they are doing, What the hell??? But whatever... i guess he doesn't care enough.

History quizes suck. We should just do a whole bunch of review stuff in class. Doesn't matter how much you study it is apperent you will fail. I will fail tomorrow, so will everyone else. It sucks.

Tests are about 2 weeks away. What the hell? When did time start moving so fast?? Just a few weeks ago I couldn't make time move. It just stayed there and tortured me every minute. I am worried about German. If I don't get that diploma I am going to burn Germany.

I am exhausted. I am tired. It takes a text message to make me happy. I am asking for too much. I love him too much. Is there thing as too much? No... I have checked my phone 3 hundred time in the past 30 minutes. That cannot be healthy. I hope he got all his stuff done.

Goodnight!
(10:30 PM)

Weird dream....

I keep seeing these weird dreams. Why are things that are unimportant occupying my mind?? I don't really know. I just heard a weird noise downstairs.. I am scared.

If I were to die... that's really really sad.

So today was hot. I had breakfast with Yuriy and Vitaly... that was nice. Today was really nice and hot. So Yuriy and I went to Emily's pool. I got brown. I am proud of my tan. It was nice talking to Emily, I am glad she sorted her stuff out:) I did too. Well, I am still in the progress. But relationships are about commitment and I am committed to making mine perfect:) It was nice talking to Emily. It was also very nice that I flashed everyone at the pool. Yeah, emberassing :/

The rest of my day... I watched Male Gigolo 2 Duece Bigolo?!?!?! I have no idea what the name of the movie is.... Hehe. But it was kinda funny. All I gotta say it was close to being an okay movie but that's about it.....

The night is not over. For now, I am sitting and chilling. I heard another noise I am scared:(

the night is just beginning

Well, right as I was thinking that... Tonight came to an end. Hehe:-) I have work tomorrow. I dunno what to wear? Something nice I guess. Hehe. Guess...

I am excited for life. I don't think I want to go clubbing tomorrow. It would be pointless because I have to pick up my parents at 11:00 PM. I do not want to drive back and forth. God, I freaking miss him.

Today was okay. I got sun burned. My shoulders are killing me. My arms are red. But it's okay. Tomorrow I will be browm. One good thing.... I do not peel or that would be gross. My sunburn turns to golden brown:) Hehe. I need to lay out in the sun tomorrow too. I am excited. I know he likes tan lines but I need to get rid of them before prom.

I need to find me a dress and a date:) Hehe.. J/P. hehe.

I need to lay down. But not fall asleep.

I got a 5 on my Bio IA. And I keep getting 5s on the IB Practice Tests we keep doing. I am pretty sure I will get a 5 on the test. And I am satisfied with that. Sucks that I got a 4 on my Math IA. It don't matter because I know the test will be fine. So there you go, I am fine with my SLs. Hmm, damn German .... Maybe I should be worried but I am not because I know I did well on my oral. Hehe. German oral... English oral... I didn't know it was that kind of an oral. Quite funny:-)

There is this show on TV, they make these ridicilous Yo Mama jokes. I cannot deny the fact that some of them are ridicilously funny. Like this one... Yo Mama is so poor I asked her where she lost her shoe and she said I just found this one:D Hahaha. You can't say that is not funny.

I cannot wait until Flavor of Love. I hate him. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.

I hate TV... I am kinda proud of myself that I do not watch it that often. Although it may come of as I do watch alot of TV. I am also proud of myself that I haven't read People, US weekly, In Touch, Enquirer, Life and Style for more then 3 weeks. I feel my brain cells have increased:) Conrad said to read fashion magazines though. He told me to look at Stuff Magazine as well so I believe I will not be taking his advise:)

You know what makes me super upset??? I hate it when my computer freezes and then my mouse stops working and when my computer unfreezes my mouse still doesnt work... It makes me pissed. So I have to restart just because my mouse goes nutso.

The artshow... absolutely amazing. I loved Megan's stuff. It was one of a kind and very original:) Her explanation of the bathroom was priceless she said that women seek privacy when they go to the restroom... It is not a place to just pee or whatever. It is more personal/private. Women go the restrrom to look at themselves, to fix their make up, to throw up; whether bulimic or just sick, they go the restroom to detach themselves from the society and take a moment to cry, they seek privacy and embrace their loneliness in the bathroom.... I love that. And it is so true:-(

I am exhausted man. Come lay with me until I fall asleep.....

Goodnight moon.

Today is the best day of my life...so far!!!!

Could it have been more perfect??? Noooo. Because it was truly perfect. Everything said and done meant the world. I really love him and today was our eleventh month:):) YAY.

Today was a good day to begin with. I saw him in the hallway completely by chance so it was meant to be:):) And my job is amazing. He makes everything so much better... He makes me smile... I am so happy... and...

He loves me too...

First day at work!

Guess is the shit!!!! My first day was amazing. I am so excited to work there. I got myself in some place where I feel like I can make something of. I mean I could really do this for a living. Not exactly this, but material things will always sell and I can be a part of making them. I would love to be a designer. That would be alot of fun. And my room is burning hot....First day was crazy amazing. I freaked out because I thought we were sold out of it but then we werent and then it was all good again. And then the night got even better because I saw his smiling face and then the whole world became my heaven and then I smiled too. I think that was a good summary of my day:-)

While I was driving home I realized that I haven't talked to Elif for a long time. I decided to give her a call, we talked for over an hour. It is nice to talk to her. She understands better now. I told her everything. She is happy for me. She wants me to go to school with her. But she is happy overall at least she is happy for me. Alot of people are having problems, I guess people always have had problems. I just never had any big problems with him, because he always made me so happy so I guess I just never realized how miserable other people's relationships were. Hehe. But I am not that sad anymore. Actually, I think I can proudly say I am not sad at all. How could I be sad when I have his heart? I am so so so happy. I know everything is going to be better. And then we are going to look back at this experience and smile at each other and learn from this and appreciate one another more then ever. God I love him so much and this is only the beginning.

Well I am exhausted. I want to take a nap but I really want him to call me and wake me up because I want to hear his voice and then I have to do some homework. I just want to tell him how much I miss him and stuff:)

He is still the only one...

The Day After Tomorrow

I do not understand what that means. It's like the end of the beginning. I don't get that neither. And another thing I do not get is why Christina won't go to prom??? I do not get that at all...

It is really nice to fall asleep with the one you love. I am privilaged enough to do it for 2 nights in a row!!!! Wow. I think I am the luckiest person alive that he is still right here. Could I love him more?? I think I could because he is so so so perfect. At least to me. Everything has been too good to be true. That's how he made me feel before as well. I always felt like I was in some fairy tale love story.

So the day after tomorrow will be Wednesday. Why would anyone say "hey, lets meet up the day after tomorrow" Why not just say "hey, let's meet Wednesday". I want some water. I used to buy Ethos water thinking they were getting clean water to children.. I was wrong. They only donate 5 cents from each bottle. How cruel?!?!?!

You know you care for a friend if you cry simply because they cry. Seeing someone hurt is the worse thing. I can deal with my pain but seeing people who are close to me hurt is painful. Saturday morning Emily came over and she was really sad. I just started crying. Reminded me of what I did to him. And how I made him sad and how I broke his heart. I hurt him really really bad. I do not deserve the oxygen God has provided all humanity with. Even though I do not deserve him, I will do anything in my power to show him that I can be worthy. I have so much faith in us and the future that we will have, I know that things will be better.

Saturday morning was amazing. Waking up next to him was amazing, and then breakfast... Sunday morning was amazing for all the same reasons. Well I should say reason. Since he is the only reason why everything is so good right now. How does he make me so happy when he is in so much pain, stress..!?!?!?!

I dont even know. Although prom is frustrating, I have faith. Christie is giving me an extension with my money stuff.... I can't believe $85 dollars. Money has no significance. I want to see him there. It hurts me to think...But I love him... I cant believe I fell asleep while writing a blog. Hehe.

Goodnight, I am going to back to sleep.

Longest Month of My Life

It's been exactly a month. Longest month of my life. We went through alot... Blows my mind away... I can't believe I still breathe without him. But I am still here and thank God he is still here too. I can't help say, what a month?!?!?!?!

Smile For Me!!!

I will do anything for you. Hehe. Smiling is one of my favorite things to do now. I smile to everything. I laugh at everything. I look at the world smiling. I got Crest Whitestrips because I smile so much. Hehe. I want to smile at the world with white teeth:) I love him. I know we will make it through this. It's like this. When we used to drive together, all the red lights would turn green. They would all turn green because our love was so strong. Our way was always clear and open. So there you go. Now, our love will help us get through the hard times.... in other words we will always hit all the green lights:)

What happened? I don't quite know...

It has been couple days since my last entry. I am kinda tired. Tired of life, school, people, myself. I don't know. I wish I could be this big bear and go into hibernation. It would be nice to wait until everything cooled down. I am under alot of stress yet at the same time I don't give a shit. The only thing I care for is him. Nothing else... I can't live this way. It sucks. But I have to hold on, even if that means I have to hold on by myself. I dont wanna hurt him. I have to let him go. At least for now. So at least he can get some space from me. Because no one else cares enough to give him space. Everyone constantly pressuring him, constantly on his case. Judging and gossiping about every decision he makes. I don't get it. He would have never wanted this to happen. He never wanted us to be separate. But oh well. I guess this is good for him. I am falling apart because I am weak but he is hanging on tighter because he is strong. He is going places. Without me, he has more potential to be happy and successful. I don't know how I held him back. I thought we were good for each other. I guess I was mistaken. I have so much love and care for him. I am just sitting here and waiting for him to realize that I will always be sitting here and waiting and loving him. It's like the whole world is against. us. Why? I don't understnad. But, this is just a test. We are being tested. Our love is being tested. And I have so much hope that we will pass the test.

The Smell of Rain

I realized something today... Why look so much into the future when you should be living today like it is your last?!?! I realized today that if I were to die... I am not happy and I am not making the people around me happy. I would not want to die because everything is incomplete... But I realized that I have to live everyday like it is my last therefore I have to show my love and care for him for that day. Why look so much into the future?? It doesn't give us anything...

Today at the airport, I saw this couple with matching shoes and jeans. And their shirts looked exactly alike. Can I just ask a question? Seriously, what the hell is that all about?? What happened to individuality?? What happened to learning from one another and teaching each other?? Since when do you have to become one person with the one you love? I thought it was the most ridicilous thing. It reminded me of some kind of lame Halloween Party.

I keep thinking to myself. I keep thinking and thinking. Why does he love me? What keeps him attracted to me? Why does he care for me? I wouldn't give a shit about me. I guess there is the difference between him and I. I need to give him time and space and everythign else he wants. It's not because I want him to come back... I'm trying to be selfless... It's because I care for him, I respect him. I have so much to give him.... I am filled with love. Hehe. I know it sounds lame. I feel all these crazy things. He makes me happy and all at the same time... really sad:-(

Today is the second day I use White Strips. I wonder if they work??? I will have whiter teeth. I'm excited. I want to go buy me a prom dress. But I don't know where to go... I want to buy an orangish pinkish dress. I would love it if it was strapless and exposed my shoulders. I would love it if it had a low back... I really want a prom dress like that. Of course I am considering a purplish pinkish dress too because what he says matters.

http://www.windsorstore.com/detail.cfm?Cat=6&SKUGroup=450040127&c3=15

Nice color. But that is about it.

http://www.windsorstore.com/detail.cfm?Cat=6&SKUGroup=450020683&c3=15

Cute style. I dunno about the blue though.

http://www.emediawire.com/prfiles/2005/06/22/
254416/Jovaddcopy.jpg

I really like this color.

ok. I'm done looking at dresses. I'm done thinking about it. It's 2 months away. I should go to Cache.com later. I bet they have good stuff.

By the way, I have 96 comments and 69 friends on myspace. Hehe. That is funny.

It rained today. I love the smell of rain. It was really nice. It made me smile. I love the breeze against my bare skin, it's almost as good as his touch. Almost yet not even close. God, I love him. I'm done torturing myself though. I mean what happens happens... I love him. Yay, I am excited for this summer.

I need to work on school work tomorrow. Technically today:) Hehe. I can't believe spring break is over. I didn't do anything I wanted to do. I wish we had another week off. But we don't. Oh well. I want to do more stuff... I wish we went up to the mountains. That would have been nice. I have been wanting to go up to the mountains so bad.Hehe, the closest I have been to the mountains was some Tuesday or Wednesday where he stole me and we drove for hours. That was nice. I would have loved doing that again this spring break. But oh well. It doesn't matter.

I really like that song. I really really like it. It is the story of my life.

Goodnight.