I never thought that doing the same exact routine with a different mind set and emotions would be so hard. I woke up early like I do every Monday, I took a shower and went to my meeting. I do not think that my mind was able to observe the outside world until about 12:00. I blocked everything out for about 4 hours. Now that I think about it, that sounds crazy. It helped to think through things and get my mind straight. I spoke with Taifur today. It felt good to talk to someone who has a positive outlook on life. Sometimes I need some help finding that little happiness. Although most of the time I am good at it but today or the past couple days have not been the best days of my life. I must admit I have been getting better at it though. I just get sad when I am by myself. It's always very hard to fall asleep or be alone when mixed up in emotions. Anyways, Taifur what a great guy. I never knew before.

Rest of my day I just thought about how much stupider can people get. I have this friend whom I think is dumb as a brick. It's a mean statement but honestly she is. I was trying to engage in a somewhat of a casual conversation with her by asking her how her weekend was. She replied with the stupidest thing I have ever heard. She said,
"My weekend was great, I broke up with my boyfriend. He got a stupid hair cut and his hair was so short that I just had to end it. He looked ugly."
Damn, how shallow can one get? What do people think? It feels great to know that our intricate relationships with people and loved ones hang on by such a thin thread called looks or something stupider (lack of better words). Anyways, my rant on women who are not very intelligent... not very interesting... Now, I got to do more work and more work and possible kill myself after Thursday. Although I might refrain from doing that because I am afraid my hell would only consist of doing Chemistry and Physics for the rest of eternity... That does not sound appealing.

Today was the day I realized that I have great friends. I have taken them for granted. I know how it feels to be taken for granted because I feel like I have been taken for granted. It hurts to know that you are not appreciated. It hurts to know that you mean nothing. Your feelings are nothing more than worthless junk. I am hurt that I didn't appreciate my friends for a long time. I feel like I have fucked up. I don't know where but I have fucked up big time. Today, I am here because of the mistakes I have done for the past 4 years or however long I have been fucking up. I wish I could change this but I cannot. It is out of my hands. I have been trying to explain myself and get something out but no response. I can't do this anymore. I cannot push something that is not meant to me. I was wrong. He gave up. I am hanging here by myself. It is very difficult. I don't know how long I can hold on for without knowing. I am weak. I get weaker by the day. Today, I was very sad. I have not been this sad for a very long time. I don't know if I am the only person who feels this but when I am very sad I get sick to my stomach. My whole body reacts in ways I never knew before. It's very exhausting to try to describe it. I can't help it.
I spent the whole day with Carolyn. Nothing was the same because I was not myself. I am heart broken and she is too. I do not know what to do. I just do not want thanksgiving break to come. I want to keep busy and not think about anything. I cannot imagine sitting at my house all by myself for 9 days!?!?!?!? what will I do? Thinking evokes emotions... I don't want anything... I just want to study. I want to sleep and never wake up.

I am exhausted

Last couple of days, I have been amazed at my body and how it is holding up with all the stress of life. Today I give up. I can't do this anymore, I am exhausted emotionally. I'm sad.... I am every word for sad. I am exhausted. I am direction-less. I am lost. Today, I lost the little bit of happiness that I was holding onto for so long... Therefore, I can't do this anymore... Because I am exhausted emotionally. I was home all afternoon by myself. I love when that happens but today I hated being alone. I felt alone, I feel alone. Nothing has changed.... I realized that I have felt this for a long time. Today that feeling was enhanced. I am lost and alone not to mention, exhausted emotionally...