I noticed today that I haven't changed my profile setting, "about me" section. It's kind of funny because, I am not always sad. But every single post I have is a sad one (all one hundred of them)... because when I'm happy, I want to share that with the one person who makes me so happy, the one person I have loved unconditionally. Now I have once again, no one to turn to; he is gone... but for the first time I don't love anyone and I don't love him. Maybe that's a big fat lie. I want to believe that my big lie one day will come truth and I will not hurt any longer. I will start the New Year with loving the person I can rely on no matter what. She will never stop loving me, respecting me, caring for me.... So I post sad blogs maybe someone reads them and feels for me (by the way, I do not grow up, I have such a juvenile mind).

I have three semesters here. I cannot wait to get out of this town, this state. I want to leave. I want to go so far away, I want to be far from anyone and everyone. I feel so alone in this familiarity. I want my loneliness to be justified. It is very strange. All the people I love are around me and I want nothing to do with them because I am hurting too much. I have created this life for myself and I focused my attention on the wrong person. Now, I have to rebuild my surroundings, give my attention to other people. Start all over with a big chunk of my life missing. Metaphorically speaking, I planted a bad seed, I did not want to watch it die, I tried really hard to make it live despite all my efforts, I got no crop:( I did not deserve this at all. I am just so so so very much scared. I dunno what to do...