I noticed today that I haven't changed my profile setting, "about me" section. It's kind of funny because, I am not always sad. But every single post I have is a sad one (all one hundred of them)... because when I'm happy, I want to share that with the one person who makes me so happy, the one person I have loved unconditionally. Now I have once again, no one to turn to; he is gone... but for the first time I don't love anyone and I don't love him. Maybe that's a big fat lie. I want to believe that my big lie one day will come truth and I will not hurt any longer. I will start the New Year with loving the person I can rely on no matter what. She will never stop loving me, respecting me, caring for me.... So I post sad blogs maybe someone reads them and feels for me (by the way, I do not grow up, I have such a juvenile mind).
I have three semesters here. I cannot wait to get out of this town, this state. I want to leave. I want to go so far away, I want to be far from anyone and everyone. I feel so alone in this familiarity. I want my loneliness to be justified. It is very strange. All the people I love are around me and I want nothing to do with them because I am hurting too much. I have created this life for myself and I focused my attention on the wrong person. Now, I have to rebuild my surroundings, give my attention to other people. Start all over with a big chunk of my life missing. Metaphorically speaking, I planted a bad seed, I did not want to watch it die, I tried really hard to make it live despite all my efforts, I got no crop:( I did not deserve this at all. I am just so so so very much scared. I dunno what to do...
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
100th post
I wish that my 100th post would be a celebration. But I have no will to celebrate. I'm stressed and sad.
I never listen to my ipod on shuffle. There is some amazing music on my ipod. And of course there is some sad music that makes me feel down. I haven't been able to listen to many of my fav0rite artists because of the baggage 0f memories they surface and manage to make me think of sad/fun/angry/disappointing/happy days we had together. And I don't know how, but I end up so sad whatever I think of. Here's a song that came up on my way to my parent's house that just topped off the week....
So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
if I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
And time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
An I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
You won't talk me into it next time,
if I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.
'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
So tell me, did you really think...
oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...
'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home, yeah,
you're still the only one that feels like home,
you're still the only one I've gotta *love*.
I never listen to my ipod on shuffle. There is some amazing music on my ipod. And of course there is some sad music that makes me feel down. I haven't been able to listen to many of my fav0rite artists because of the baggage 0f memories they surface and manage to make me think of sad/fun/angry/disappointing/happy days we had together. And I don't know how, but I end up so sad whatever I think of. Here's a song that came up on my way to my parent's house that just topped off the week....
So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
if I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
And time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
An I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
You won't talk me into it next time,
if I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.
'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
So tell me, did you really think...
oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...
'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home, yeah,
you're still the only one that feels like home,
you're still the only one I've gotta *love*.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I have no time to blog:( Sad day! I have a ton of stuff to do. Can I vent to you, orange_kizz? I don't have many people to vent to.
Here's the deal: I just got back my Anatomy Lab Test the other day.... disappointment:( But it's alright. I can do better on the next one. I became friends with notecards again. They will help. Now, I think it's doable. I will get an A on the next one. Anatomy Lecture exam, I studied for day and night. I hope I did well. I won't know my score until next Monday. I have my O.Chem Exam on Thursday night and I couldn't be less prepared. I just started studying for it couple of hours ago... I have about 150 homework problems due for that class by Thursday night. (I just found this out, If I knew it earlier, I would have done them). I only did about 25. I am officially freaking out. I also have a paper due tonight that I haven't even started writing yet. So, here's the game plan. I will do 72 problems for O. Chem tonight and then I will write my paper before 2 AM. I will wake up at 7:30 AM and do 25 more problems before I go to my next class. Throughout the day before 8 PM, I should be done with 25 more problems so that's over a 100 problems. 8 PM till 2 AM I should be completely done with the homework problems. Then, I will pass out. My exam is at 7, I can review lecture notes, recitation materials, quizzes, memorize functional groups and pKa's for all the acids and bases by then. Hopefully... I also have to finish my O. Chem lab stuff tomorrow. Grr, I am mad at the world. Why am I not better at time management. Btw, being this busy is making me forget my misery:) Hehe, I dunno. I think I rather be miserably melancholy than having to do all this shit. But no time for being sad either.
Wow, I better get cracking!!! O. Chem awaits me.
Here's the deal: I just got back my Anatomy Lab Test the other day.... disappointment:( But it's alright. I can do better on the next one. I became friends with notecards again. They will help. Now, I think it's doable. I will get an A on the next one. Anatomy Lecture exam, I studied for day and night. I hope I did well. I won't know my score until next Monday. I have my O.Chem Exam on Thursday night and I couldn't be less prepared. I just started studying for it couple of hours ago... I have about 150 homework problems due for that class by Thursday night. (I just found this out, If I knew it earlier, I would have done them). I only did about 25. I am officially freaking out. I also have a paper due tonight that I haven't even started writing yet. So, here's the game plan. I will do 72 problems for O. Chem tonight and then I will write my paper before 2 AM. I will wake up at 7:30 AM and do 25 more problems before I go to my next class. Throughout the day before 8 PM, I should be done with 25 more problems so that's over a 100 problems. 8 PM till 2 AM I should be completely done with the homework problems. Then, I will pass out. My exam is at 7, I can review lecture notes, recitation materials, quizzes, memorize functional groups and pKa's for all the acids and bases by then. Hopefully... I also have to finish my O. Chem lab stuff tomorrow. Grr, I am mad at the world. Why am I not better at time management. Btw, being this busy is making me forget my misery:) Hehe, I dunno. I think I rather be miserably melancholy than having to do all this shit. But no time for being sad either.
Wow, I better get cracking!!! O. Chem awaits me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
metaphor? may be not.
Here's my poor attempt at trying to put this into perspective...
...son gunlerde cok dusunur oldum...
I just walked into my room... reminiscing on the events of the other night... in comparison, my room is empty. How cliche of me to say this, the day of but it is empty. Regardless of its misery, it is in hopes. I could see that as soon as we came face to face, that is why she is holding up well.
My room orients itself so that the bed is the center point. I like it because it provides super- comfort and simply pleasing to the eye. Often times, I see myself on it, sipping tea while reading a great novel or a shitty one, sleeping, or sharing it with that someone.
Today, I walk into my room and I notice, my bookshelf is perfectly lined with novels and textbooks, my clothes are carefully hung in my closet and blankets currently not in use are folded nicely. My bed, on the other hand, is a mess. The sheets has come off of it, pillows one place and comforter on the other. There is no end or a beginning. The only way to fix it is to take my pad, my sheets, pillows, comforter and everything else off of it. It will definitely take some time and huge effort, but it has to be done for a good night's sleep. Then, I will put everything back on my bed. Build it from point zero. Go about it from scratch. First, the pad, then line the sheet perfectly so it engulfs the pad and the edges of the bed. Next, 3 pillows that I cannot do without. Last but not least, place the comforter. And once everything is all in place, hop in and enjoy. Notice that, I don't have to keep doing that every time. When I see that minor changes have to made, I will deal with them as they come, for instance, I can just fix the comforter, or adjust the pillows. Well I guess that was my attempt trying to put this into perspective.
...son gunlerde cok dusunur oldum...
I just walked into my room... reminiscing on the events of the other night... in comparison, my room is empty. How cliche of me to say this, the day of but it is empty. Regardless of its misery, it is in hopes. I could see that as soon as we came face to face, that is why she is holding up well.
My room orients itself so that the bed is the center point. I like it because it provides super- comfort and simply pleasing to the eye. Often times, I see myself on it, sipping tea while reading a great novel or a shitty one, sleeping, or sharing it with that someone.
Today, I walk into my room and I notice, my bookshelf is perfectly lined with novels and textbooks, my clothes are carefully hung in my closet and blankets currently not in use are folded nicely. My bed, on the other hand, is a mess. The sheets has come off of it, pillows one place and comforter on the other. There is no end or a beginning. The only way to fix it is to take my pad, my sheets, pillows, comforter and everything else off of it. It will definitely take some time and huge effort, but it has to be done for a good night's sleep. Then, I will put everything back on my bed. Build it from point zero. Go about it from scratch. First, the pad, then line the sheet perfectly so it engulfs the pad and the edges of the bed. Next, 3 pillows that I cannot do without. Last but not least, place the comforter. And once everything is all in place, hop in and enjoy. Notice that, I don't have to keep doing that every time. When I see that minor changes have to made, I will deal with them as they come, for instance, I can just fix the comforter, or adjust the pillows. Well I guess that was my attempt trying to put this into perspective.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Oh, when the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
And how the pollen fell
All around your face in strange yellow patterns
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the morning came
The bees flew down and
Wrapped themselves around me
And that's when i spoke the word
To have them trace your face for me in pollen
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
I wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
I'll sit here wondering about you
And how the pollen fell
All around your face in strange yellow patterns
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the morning came
The bees flew down and
Wrapped themselves around me
And that's when i spoke the word
To have them trace your face for me in pollen
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
I wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I am known for my long, dreadful, and emotional posts. When there is no one to talk to... I talk to my computer. Our lives are so based on technology and electronics, as weird as that sounds, my computer is a pretty good friend of mine. Come to think of it, without him I would not have much entertainment, let alone a shoulder to cry on:)
Past couple of weeks, or maybe the past couple of months I have been going through the motions of life, taking things for granted, and not appreciating what's been around me. I realized this 2 weeks ago. I am too late. As usual. Now I am trying hard to make my friends and close ones see that I am no longer doing that. It is hard to show people appreciation for being around, nothing more, just being around and being themselves. I have focused my emotions on people whom I literary don't give a shit about. I have let them in my life, the worse part is that I have let them in my mind. Now, I am regretful. But regret does not get me anywhere, so I learned to let go and be able to say the words, "I love and appreciate you" to the people who really do matter, like my mom or my best friend or whoever may come in the future whom I will love or continue to love. Who knows. I am hopeful. I wait with hope. Not the kinda hope that is pathetic and needy but the kinda hope that is patient and loving.
As ready as I am to say the words, I know that I cannot force things. I will wait and be there whenever I am needed. But what kind of a woman would I be, if I did not fight for what I loved? There is a distinct separation between fighting for the most important things in life and forcing something that is not meant to be. I will fight but only quietly, not force but wait. Only months and years will tell what the future holds for us and I have never been looking so forward to that future. And for now, what I have to do is not hold my breath but take deep breaths, live and love and never forget.
Past couple of weeks, or maybe the past couple of months I have been going through the motions of life, taking things for granted, and not appreciating what's been around me. I realized this 2 weeks ago. I am too late. As usual. Now I am trying hard to make my friends and close ones see that I am no longer doing that. It is hard to show people appreciation for being around, nothing more, just being around and being themselves. I have focused my emotions on people whom I literary don't give a shit about. I have let them in my life, the worse part is that I have let them in my mind. Now, I am regretful. But regret does not get me anywhere, so I learned to let go and be able to say the words, "I love and appreciate you" to the people who really do matter, like my mom or my best friend or whoever may come in the future whom I will love or continue to love. Who knows. I am hopeful. I wait with hope. Not the kinda hope that is pathetic and needy but the kinda hope that is patient and loving.
As ready as I am to say the words, I know that I cannot force things. I will wait and be there whenever I am needed. But what kind of a woman would I be, if I did not fight for what I loved? There is a distinct separation between fighting for the most important things in life and forcing something that is not meant to be. I will fight but only quietly, not force but wait. Only months and years will tell what the future holds for us and I have never been looking so forward to that future. And for now, what I have to do is not hold my breath but take deep breaths, live and love and never forget.