I wrote up all my feelings and thoughts while doing two-and-a-half hours of yoga but somehow I have stared at this blank page for over an hour and not been able to write a single word. Here goes it:
I wanted to physically represent the peak or I mean the trough of my loneliness today. In an attempt to open myself up to forgive myself, I allowed myself to put it on. That was the beginning of my day. I thought, you are not that bad. It still fits you. And I did not foresee how quickly it would get re-incorporated into my day. The way I always reach for my neck when I am thinking, I blow it out of my face while doing yoga, or I lightly touch to feel if it is still there, or sporadically I look down to see which face is on top and which is on the bottom are all too familiar actions that are binding in its symbolic way. I am desperate for symbols these days. When I took it off I let go. I was so convinced that's what I wanted. But today I am on my way to forgive myself so I put it back on even if I am made to give it up in the future.
These days I can't stop thinking about the future. I am imaging my life, time and space continuum on the autobahn. My past is coming with such high velocity it seems as though I have no control over the present and the future. My past is deciding my future. If I don't like the present scenery, can I take a turn somewhere? Can I pick a new route? Will I make more of a mess? I think that as long as I hit the breaks first and not make the most abrupt turn I can change my route. I can change the direction my life is going.
Unfortunately, I have no control over other people's decisions and life choices. I created this rift and now I feel ever so alone. I am so sad and my heart is so badly aching that I still cannot fathom the idea that it can be possible to live with this. Yet, I have put myself in this exact spot multiple times. I have felt this horrible more than once. How am I in the same exact place? Maybe, just maybe I got stuck on a circle; gotta find the main road.
Aaahhh, I haven't written in ages that this feels like a bunch of scattered thoughts that have no cohesion.