I know I know I know

You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying
I know I know I know, I'm still your love
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you
Laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying
I know I know I know, you're still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Box after box and you're still by my side
The weather is changing and breaking my stride
I know I know I know, it's just this day

I didn't understand this song just yesterday. It just was so confusing for some reason. But now, I get it. It's not because I read, or study, or still waste my time going school. I get it now because of life experience. I say fuck school, people simply learn by interacting with each other. And sometimes you think you know. But you don't know. I don't know anything. I was sure of one thing, but now nothing. I got nothing. I love music. My heart aches. My head kinda hurts. I dunno what to do. I am just so confused. I feel like a kid on christmas who just found out there is no santa and her parents have been putting the gifts under the tree for years and years. You know how you always knew in the back of your head that santa doesn't exist.... but you never really wanted to believe it. That's me. I am that kid.

Now my spirit and my heart are broken. I dunno what to do to fix it. I don't know.

Flowers in December

...

Where Does The Good Go?

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

Pfff

I am overwhelmed. I was proof reading my essay a minute ago and my brain stopped functioning. It usually does in situations like this. A lot of things bother me, for instance, how come one can party till sunrise and not be able to do homework till sunrise? I guess your brain getting tired is more overwhelming than your body giving in. I have been thinking that I don't really have any "close" friends like him. Maybe about 1.5 years ago I made a mistake and risked a friendship. I thought about this today.... what if he left me... I don't have any close friends. I could not call him and tell him the things I would tell my close friend after he left me...

I am overwhelmed. I have no one to talk to... no one to call. I missed 11:11. I would have wished for a phone call. I haven't gotten any today. It is unlikely I will get one soon. How come I can't go to sleep but he sleeps soundlessly? I feel like my heart is aching so much that it is affecting my breathing. I have trouble breathing when my heart aches. I thought that he told me we would not fight over stupid stuff. He doesn't love me. He hasn't for the past 6 months. I know he doesn't. When he tells me otherwise, it is not so much that he is trying to convince me otherwise, he is trying to convince himself that he still feels for me.

I am overwhelmed. I dunno what's going on. I know that not talking to him is difficult but once couple days go by it gets easier. Then, couple more days go by.... then, couple more... and without realizing it... you've buried your feelings so deep down that, you breath normal everytime the phone rings... because you are used to him not loving you, not calling you...

I am overwhelmed... because I am dilusional... because deep down I know he loves me... but these are all the unlikely possiblities how we will end. Deep down I know he is stubborn. And he will apoligize and everything will be better than before. But why are we fighting? I am not even mad anymore, I just want him to call and make up.. But my phone never rings. And when it does, it's not him.

Do we live in the Matrix?

This is the really odd, but I thought about this while writing my history essay.

Imagine this....

The only way for evolution and science to make sense together is that God put Adam and Eve into this world once he had already created the earth millions and millions years ago. So Adam and Eve were not there when Earth was just created. The Earth had probably already cooled down and became a suitable place for humans to live. Of course, by that time all the animals had already adapted to these living conditions. But wouldn't it be amazing if this was like the matrix and God destroyed the world and remade it and destroyed it again and so on. Hehe, it's funny though because it would be fun to believe that. But it's okay. I'll pass on that today. Better stick with Kuran'i Kerim.

ID

I am confused. I feel overworked already and school just started. But it's okay. I am getting used to it.

Today. I had my share of glancing back into the past. It was interesting and certainly sad. I have learned to move on from things and appreciate every bit of experience. After all, we are all guests on this planet. But somehow....

I dunno how to deal with this fact. I can't move on from the fact that I have missed out so much from this relationship and I have stopped it from becoming something better. I certainly am not saying that it is not a good relationship. All I am sad about is that that certain time has past us and now we are left with something that is different. Although change is good. What if things that happened didn't happen and I know right now things would be really different, possibly better. I can't argue this because I cannot go back in time and change things. Everything happens for a reason. Although, sometimes things that happen lead to bad conclusions. I don't want a bad conclusion. I don't want a conclusion at all. I just want to rewrite our introduction and start from fresh.

My first blog of this school year

I am excited that my internet finally works. It was a frustrating situation. I am so dependent on this technology. I love how it connects the whole world. I just got a facebook account. I think it is a very clever to keep in touch with all your friends. I figured it is alot better than myspace. Myspace has way too many freaks.

I am excited for my biology and history class. I am apathetic about my religions class. I think it kind of sounds boring. Although, I am not going to let it get to me. It sounds pretty easy and doable. Past couple of days have been really frustrating. I have been dealing with my crisis. I feel like I have made progress. It doesn't help the fact that I am so emotional. I let people see what really is going on inside me. In order to be successful in this world one must keep their emotions to themselves and come off strong. I need to learn how to practice that better. I have to go and speak to my wonderful very helpful advisor. I am so privilaged that at least I am sorrounded by people who are willing to help the individual.

So far, my college experience is going well. If I complained it would be disrespectful to my family and my boyfriend who are very supportive of everything I do. I am just plain thankful for today and anything I say will not do justice to how well everything is going right now.

I am leaving

I am in denial. I feel like there is still time before I have to go to school and move out. I don't want to move out. I always thought that I did want to move out but now I guess since that I am actually moving out, I don't want to. But I have always wanted to move out.

Although, I feel like going away for a change would allow me to find myself and be a better person. I would actually get myself acquainted with Freedom. We haven't officially met. I am looking forward to a busy schedule. I want to do community service, meet new people, study hard, find a job and for once enjoy being productive.

I guess after all, it won't be all that bad to move out.

I am not a good girlfriend

After a year and some months I still have not mastered the whole "thing" called being a good girlfriend. I am awful at it. One might say that I even suck at it.

Ideally, for the past year I would have liked to learn all the small details of his personality. But sadly I guess I haven't. I think that this will all be a celebration day for everyone who loves him and hates me:) But there you go I think the day has come. Celebrate fools, celebrate the day my heart breaks one more time.

I hate the bank!

My bank sucks. I mean it just sucks. I hate my bank. It is being run by the worse system ever invented. I would like to shoot the guy who invented that system or as a matter of fact I would like to shoot the guy who invented my bank. I am changing banks. I am. First thing tomorrow I am going to close both my savings and my checkings account.

I couldn't count how many times I got screwed over with this bank. God, I hate this bank. I think all their tellers are in on it too, this whole company is working together to make my life a living hell.
I would like to end this thought by saying money is nothing but dirt on your fingers.

I want to be so rich that I want to sleep under comforters that are filled with green money so I would never have to open another bank account.

Starbucks

I am a frequent customer of Starbucks. I admit the fact that I am taken in by this whole Starbucks chain. I like coffee and I like their reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake. But currently I am mad at Starbucks.

The other day my friend and I went to Starbucks. My usual order is tall white chocolate mocha no whip. Instead I decided to get a cup of cappucino. First my disappointment came with how it was the worse cappucino I have ever had and on top of that the couches were taken. How sad??? And my disapointment was followed by anger and frustration. The people who ordered after me got cakes actually they got my favorite cake which is as I mentioned above the reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake. The cashier who always gives me my cake in a brown ugly ass bag, served their cake on a plate and they even got forks. Are you joking me? I mean I can't describe how frustrated I got. Why did they get plates and forks? Was it the fact that these people were middle aged??? Are they saying young people can't use forks and have no manners. What the heck is the message here??? I do not get it. What does starbucks have against young people eating their cake on a plate using a fork??? I do not get it. I mean before that day I didn't even know they had plates and forks I thought they just gave it in a brown bag. But no, they have plates... and forks. We just don't see them because they are in a back... hidden.

Next time I go to Starbucks and get my favorite cake, reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake, I will ask for a plate.... and a fork. Because they have them.

The roads are full of surprises

I see driving as an adventure. Every time I get on the road something has to happen. Even if the event is small it is enough to make me smile. Hehe. I think sneezing should be banned while you are on the road. Imagine, you are making a left turn when the arrow goes green and you sneeze really big. There is a big risk of losing control of the car. I mean sometimes you cannot help it, you just sneeze big. That could be very dangerous. And how about those sprinklers that throw water straight onto the road instead of sprinkling the grass. That could be a great danger to all drivers. Imagine a beautiful day and you are driving, obeying the rules and paying attention to the road and all of a sudden water hits your windshield with all its might. I mean it's just scary. Its the worst thing at night. Anyways, I am not complaining because my car takes me everywher even through those evil sprinklers. Thank god and my father for that:) also my brother. It was a family effort.

Goodnight.

Love advice? You have come to the right place.

Yes yes, I am like that lady who writes the love advice coloumn for some famous newspaper. No names necessary but I am a great advice giver on love to the needy. I should most certainly take my own advice as well but that should be a different blog.

Anyways, I am great at this. The other day I spoke beautifully to my friend. Hehe, I am quiet proud of this moment of my life. I said, "every man who comes into your life takes something out of your personality. With every relationship you become weary. You know you have found the right person when he adds to your personality and you two can grow as a couple and be better people." I completely believe in that. Every guy who makes you cry, breaks your heart, cheats on you and leaves you like that is not a good guy... that statement was quite obvious but really there are so many stupid girls crying after the wrong guys. So stop and think... and don't cry!

Nothing is really going on with my life. I need to find a permanent hobby. Paint the Pot adventure was fun but short lasting. Watching the national geographic channel is great but sometimes I get tired of watching TV. So today's exciting story on National Geographic Channel was great. I felt smart because I have actually read about the topic earlier this year. Recently scientists discovered the ruins of a body of a child who is half Neanderthal and half Cro-Magnon. According to this discovery supposedly Neanderthals did not die out but blended in with the Cro-Magnons. So generation after generation they became one. That means the modern day humans still carry the genes of Neanderthals. Isn't that mad? I think it's crazy! Anyways, I thought this was interesting.

Couple hours later the same day.....
After a long night of doing nothing and hanging out with couple of people I decide to go to sleep before 1 o'clock. I am really excited for college now because I talked to my boyfriend and he promised to come see me alot:) So that can't be too bad, right?

B.F.F.

I wake up early....Well not that early but earlier than my friends. So I sit in my bed for about 15 minutes contemplating what to do. I am such a loner. Then I decide to write a blog and not call anyone because my blog is my best friend. Hehe... Pathetic loser is all I gotta say to that.

Today I would like to go to the pool and get a nice tan. Speaking of getting a tan. I saw the most beautiful child yesterday. This is little girl with big blue eyes and blond hair. She was so cute and she kept staring at me. I was looking at her blond hair and blue eyes with amazement and she must have been looking at my darkness and thinking wow she is all brown. Well sorta.

I have nothing good to say except little things make me mad. Like, being late to places. I dunno there is so much in my mind but they are so little that I feel like I am going crazy. So my boyfriend made me upset. But it is so little I don't think I should even think about it. I don't get it. If I were to tell him that something little made me upset he would be like "wtf?". Anyways, but in my world of messed up"ness" little things count.

Okay I think I want to go to UCD. It might sound stupid but I have my reasons. I mean why go to CU Boulder if I am going to go to medical school. I don't get it. I have to figure my crap out.

So today, I would like to go to the pool with Y. But I don't think he will have time or even want to go. So should I go before he wakes up or should I wait for him to wake up and ask him if he would like to go with me......

It has been a long time

Wow, the last time I blogged was before I went to Turkey. I cannot believe I didn't update for so long.

Turkey.....

Hehe, not much to say about Turkey. I was there for exactly 4 weeks. And no one really missed me much. I thought I missed everyone and I thought wrong. Since I have been back, I really did nothing except to hang out with Emily.

A wise male once said to me "you are like a kid, you trust everyone" he added "grow up and don't trust anyone". That is true. I need to grow up. And yes, I do trust everybody. I do love everyone. It might be the culture difference but people freak out when they hear the word love. I think it's just care on another level, on a higher level that is. I mean I love my friends, my true friends, that just means that I care for them so much I could die for them. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I see them. And that is a dumb way to describe the feeling of love. It is just rush of emotions or release of chemicals:) I am just kidding. Actually I believe love is the closest thing we have to magic. I read this somewhere, some women actually cry when they have sex. During sex women release emotions that makes them really vulnerable and emotional ( lack of better words). That is why women emotionally get attached to their partner. It is unbelievable how women are, they are just plain crazy:-)

Anyways, I took my friend to this crazy guy. Who supposedly does healings to crazy girls. Hehe, no offense. So if you are feeling down he takes away the negative energy in you and instead gives you positive energy that leaves you with nothing but happy thoughts. So it is kind of like meditating, he relaxes your mind and your muscles. He held my friend's hand and told her to relax during their session. After that he did the same thing for me. Although I just went with her, not about to pay 40 dollars for some bullshit deal. Anyways I felt nothing during our session. And my friend was amazed and she felt really good afterwards. The crazy guy told me that I must not have any negative energy to release and he added "I guess you are just really relaxed and happy as it is".

I am sitting here, really happy and relaxed with my nails done, not much of a care in the world except to contemplate what I am doing tonight. And it feels good.

Don't cry shopgirl

Probably one of the best movies made is You've Got Mail. It is about two people who find each other in the mist of a battle. So opposite yet so compatible. Couple months ago a person asked me if I had found my NY152 and I said.... Yes after a long pause. I don't know why I paused. But I am not going to contemplate over it.

What I hate the most is giving movies ridicilous titles. Titles such as "chick flick". Many might say that You've Got Mail is the epitome of chick flick. Well, I disagree. I think it is a good movie. A common misconception comes with a movie slapped with a title of a chick flick.... that it is a bad movie. I personally prefer the title Romantic Comedy... It fits the movie better. Although I cry everytime in the end when Tom Hanks wipes the tears off of Meg Ryans face and says "don't cry shopgirl", what a great line!

Today I did my nails. I never do my nails. I have been thinking, this is the time for me to be more feminine. I want to wear summer dresses, have curly hair and french manicured nails. Whatever happened to being feminine. I mean, I am so sick of wearing jeans and a shirt. I want to show my bubbly personality through the clothing I wear.. sometimes a smile is not enough.

I have been thinking for the past couple of days. I feel good. Today I woke up with a burst of good feeling. And I havent had that feeling in a long time. I have been thinking good things, things that will get me through life happily and bubbly. Bubbly is a cute word although a more meaningful word can be substituted. I have been thinking about where I stand and who I am becoming and where I am going... believe it or not I am happy. I love this unclear path that I am on. Unclear and unexpected is good. Not knowing what will happen this second, the next day, next month.... next ten years... it feels good. I love it. Right now is all that matters and the way I look at it is you can't have a really good moment and let it go down the drain next. Good things are followed after other good things. I mean thats just how life is. Lead a happy life now, make good decisions now, and you will be happy with the results later. Therefore this whole cycle of goodness comes your way...

I mean I love it. I love how we are this instant. If I make the best of today today it is simple as making the next day best as well... I don't know if that makes any sense. It made alot of sense in my head... and not knowing is good.

Laura's party is today and I am so EXCITED! One more day I get to spend with the man I love and the friends that are so close and dear to my heart. What a great day.

Happy Graduate

Oh YEAH

I am so done with school... I am excited, emotional, scared, timid for what lies ahead. Although my happiness cannot be described with words I am so afraid of what is going to happen next. I am leaving and I cant wait until I come back. I love my friends and not spending the summer with them is going to be hard. I will keep in touch with my buddies no matter what:)

BLUE EYES (blueish gray eyes:))

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes

All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

One whole year

Hehe... We made it through exactly one year. We cried the tears of hell together... held each other endlessly... I have never loved so much and been loved the way he loves me...

one year.... well what I say to that is... many years to go together... the strength we have will conquer anything:)

I love him.

Happy anniversary:)

Few more days....

I am almost done:) My brother is coming tomorrow. By the way, he could not have found a more perfect time:) Hehe, Anyways... I am going to Turkey and I am not that excited... My mind is just somewhere else. I am thinking other things... I am so sad that I am not going to see my friends and boyfriend for two months and my boyfriend seems to be happy about the fact that he is not going to see my oogly face for two months. That's just sad...

I keep seeing really frustrating dreams... I wake up crying or really scared.... or something like that. I might be one of those people who die in their sleep... have a heart attack or something.

I have no idea when my test is... I wanted to relax before my test and now all I can think of is how I am not welcomed... Anyways.... It's all good. I hate myself _________. I dont know I feel like I am not loved nor liked nor respected... and I am not worthy... I have never been... I hate myself because I am the worst friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, student...
example- .....

There must be something wrong with me

I am incapable! I have a Math and a Biology exam today.... I must be doing something wrong.... and I will just stop!

Prom is being stupid

God, it's ridicilous the amount of drama we are faced with!!!! How this prom bullshit is turning out is making me sad, although Christie is trying to somehow fix it. I don't know. It's so close. I can't believe it. I took my first IB test today. I wrote about something totally different:( First, I felt like shit and thought I analyzed it totally wrong but Yuriy made me feel better and made me realize I just had a different perspective on the passage. Hehe, I am happy the first portion is over with. I am excited:) Tomorrow is math and I feel confident.

Everything is just happening so quickly:) I am excited:) I am done with school and soon I will be done with IB tests and then prom will happen.... then Turkey.... I am going to miss my friends so much. How am I going to be away from him for so long??? It will be torture.

Prom is so close. I need to buy jewelery:) I made up my mind I am going to wear hoop earings for prom:) I know every girl on this planet will wear long earings and I need to bring back the hoops:) Hehe, I am going to sleep early:) I am excited to get done with first portion of math:)

Goodnight

Baby Carrots:):)

I really love baby carrots. The name is so cute. I wonder how they are made. Do they give them anti-growth hormones??

Today was a good day. No matter what anyone says, today was an amazing day. To see him smile once makes it a good day.

I love him... I have never loved anyone before. I love him more than words can say. I have never been so emotionally attached. Wow, I have never been so proud of someone like I am of him. Hehehe, good things come out of everything. Life is good to good people. That's why I don't worry a day about my future nor his. I know good people are meant to be happy. And I have never been happier in his arms. He can do this to me with one smile. I hope he smiles every day:) He is just flawless:) and this couldn't be better.

I am happy for my future...

Saturday morning!

What an obvious title. Saturday mornings are my favorite now. I don't have to wake up 4:00 in the morning. It just woke up about 3 minutes ago. I feel amazing. You know sometimes I have so much to say and the right words never come out. So I decided to say less... Maybe that is the reason I have not been updating so much.

I am really excited because my brother is coming to see me May 10th. He said he missed me. I miss him just as much if not more. Why do I attach myself to people like this? I should be the only one who controls my feelings but now it seems like I have no control in my life. I don't know if I like this. It seems like I never know what's going to happen because I don't have say in anything....

I am in shock. People care for me. Unbelievable. They really do. My mother really cares for me although she sucks at showing it. Almost everyone sucks at making me feel loved. But it's okay. Because I learned to deal with it. Deep inside I know people and how they feel even if they treat me badly.

All my life, I had to deal with people. I just kind of brushed it off. But I was spoiled for 9 months. For the first time in my life. Hehe, what a selfish thing to say, but I am not spoiled anymore. Welcome to the real world.

I know this is how everything will be like. Get used to it. I have been hearing this alot. Good things come out of bad things so nothing is ever bad. Life loves me even if no one else does.

I don't know how I put myself in such a mood in less then 3 minutes. I love everything. I am so excited for the next 12 or 13 hours. I love it. I love this. I love myself and I don't want to die:)

This is what it feels like

when he doesn't want you
when he doesn't love you
when he doesn't want to be around you
when you can't make him happy
when you are not enough
when you suck at life
when you are an awful person
when you are nothing but shit
when he doesn't trust you
when he doesn't say it back
when he smiles just out of pity
when he pities you
when he calls you a bitch
when he yells at you
when your family is no longer a support
when you hate life
when you hate everything but him
when you need him, love him, want him, but he he just doesn't give a fuck

Difficulties

Today is April 21st. Prom is in a month. IB tests are after next week. I am so excited for school being over I am not even freaking out about IB tests. I do not even care about them. I am excited for prom. I am excited:):) Hehe.

It is hard to work right across from Godiva Chocolatier. All I wanna do is go buy a pound of chocolate. hehe. It is so hard to work at Guess as well. I want to buy everything.

Anyways, I am going to work out:)

Why is "goodnight" a single word and "good morning" two???

I don't know why my mind is so full of stuff. I don't know why I have not done anything for school for the past 2 months. I am surprised at how I am not failing any classes. I don't even have any Ds. Although, I deserve them. I need to put myself together and do my homework. I should be happy and I am... But I dunno why I act this way. I am just hurt by life. I dont know what that is supposed to mean. I don't know why.

I should be happy because I have everything I need. Everyone I love is right by me. I need to keep my loved ones close and my enemies far far away. I don't think I have any enemies. I am kind of tired. But I need to do study. I don't know what is wrong. I don't think anything is wrong. Am I just thinking too hard and making my perfect life imperfect? I don't know, the only thing that is perfect in my life is... He is the only one.

I have a virus in my computer and it sucks. I wish I could be with him right now. The only time I can be myself... the only time I can think sraight... the only time I am happy is when I am with him. I bet he doesn't even know/realize how he influences me.....

I don't know why my friends are stupid or act stupid or say stupid things. They just simply don't know/understand.... i don't know. They don't care. Therefore I shouldn't care. i am exhausted. I should go to sleep. But I can't. I am waiting for his phone call. I don't know. I hope he calls. I need to turn in my math homework tomorrow morning. Katelyn said she would take it late. This whole group presentations deal is retarded. No one really knows what the hell they are talking about. Mr. Kelly just sits there and does nothing. How about he taught us the review material instead of retarded students who don't know what they are doing, What the hell??? But whatever... i guess he doesn't care enough.

History quizes suck. We should just do a whole bunch of review stuff in class. Doesn't matter how much you study it is apperent you will fail. I will fail tomorrow, so will everyone else. It sucks.

Tests are about 2 weeks away. What the hell? When did time start moving so fast?? Just a few weeks ago I couldn't make time move. It just stayed there and tortured me every minute. I am worried about German. If I don't get that diploma I am going to burn Germany.

I am exhausted. I am tired. It takes a text message to make me happy. I am asking for too much. I love him too much. Is there thing as too much? No... I have checked my phone 3 hundred time in the past 30 minutes. That cannot be healthy. I hope he got all his stuff done.

Goodnight!
(10:30 PM)

Weird dream....

I keep seeing these weird dreams. Why are things that are unimportant occupying my mind?? I don't really know. I just heard a weird noise downstairs.. I am scared.

If I were to die... that's really really sad.

So today was hot. I had breakfast with Yuriy and Vitaly... that was nice. Today was really nice and hot. So Yuriy and I went to Emily's pool. I got brown. I am proud of my tan. It was nice talking to Emily, I am glad she sorted her stuff out:) I did too. Well, I am still in the progress. But relationships are about commitment and I am committed to making mine perfect:) It was nice talking to Emily. It was also very nice that I flashed everyone at the pool. Yeah, emberassing :/

The rest of my day... I watched Male Gigolo 2 Duece Bigolo?!?!?! I have no idea what the name of the movie is.... Hehe. But it was kinda funny. All I gotta say it was close to being an okay movie but that's about it.....

The night is not over. For now, I am sitting and chilling. I heard another noise I am scared:(

the night is just beginning

Well, right as I was thinking that... Tonight came to an end. Hehe:-) I have work tomorrow. I dunno what to wear? Something nice I guess. Hehe. Guess...

I am excited for life. I don't think I want to go clubbing tomorrow. It would be pointless because I have to pick up my parents at 11:00 PM. I do not want to drive back and forth. God, I freaking miss him.

Today was okay. I got sun burned. My shoulders are killing me. My arms are red. But it's okay. Tomorrow I will be browm. One good thing.... I do not peel or that would be gross. My sunburn turns to golden brown:) Hehe. I need to lay out in the sun tomorrow too. I am excited. I know he likes tan lines but I need to get rid of them before prom.

I need to find me a dress and a date:) Hehe.. J/P. hehe.

I need to lay down. But not fall asleep.

I got a 5 on my Bio IA. And I keep getting 5s on the IB Practice Tests we keep doing. I am pretty sure I will get a 5 on the test. And I am satisfied with that. Sucks that I got a 4 on my Math IA. It don't matter because I know the test will be fine. So there you go, I am fine with my SLs. Hmm, damn German .... Maybe I should be worried but I am not because I know I did well on my oral. Hehe. German oral... English oral... I didn't know it was that kind of an oral. Quite funny:-)

There is this show on TV, they make these ridicilous Yo Mama jokes. I cannot deny the fact that some of them are ridicilously funny. Like this one... Yo Mama is so poor I asked her where she lost her shoe and she said I just found this one:D Hahaha. You can't say that is not funny.

I cannot wait until Flavor of Love. I hate him. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.

I hate TV... I am kinda proud of myself that I do not watch it that often. Although it may come of as I do watch alot of TV. I am also proud of myself that I haven't read People, US weekly, In Touch, Enquirer, Life and Style for more then 3 weeks. I feel my brain cells have increased:) Conrad said to read fashion magazines though. He told me to look at Stuff Magazine as well so I believe I will not be taking his advise:)

You know what makes me super upset??? I hate it when my computer freezes and then my mouse stops working and when my computer unfreezes my mouse still doesnt work... It makes me pissed. So I have to restart just because my mouse goes nutso.

The artshow... absolutely amazing. I loved Megan's stuff. It was one of a kind and very original:) Her explanation of the bathroom was priceless she said that women seek privacy when they go to the restroom... It is not a place to just pee or whatever. It is more personal/private. Women go the restrrom to look at themselves, to fix their make up, to throw up; whether bulimic or just sick, they go the restroom to detach themselves from the society and take a moment to cry, they seek privacy and embrace their loneliness in the bathroom.... I love that. And it is so true:-(

I am exhausted man. Come lay with me until I fall asleep.....

Goodnight moon.

Today is the best day of my life...so far!!!!

Could it have been more perfect??? Noooo. Because it was truly perfect. Everything said and done meant the world. I really love him and today was our eleventh month:):) YAY.

Today was a good day to begin with. I saw him in the hallway completely by chance so it was meant to be:):) And my job is amazing. He makes everything so much better... He makes me smile... I am so happy... and...

He loves me too...

First day at work!

Guess is the shit!!!! My first day was amazing. I am so excited to work there. I got myself in some place where I feel like I can make something of. I mean I could really do this for a living. Not exactly this, but material things will always sell and I can be a part of making them. I would love to be a designer. That would be alot of fun. And my room is burning hot....First day was crazy amazing. I freaked out because I thought we were sold out of it but then we werent and then it was all good again. And then the night got even better because I saw his smiling face and then the whole world became my heaven and then I smiled too. I think that was a good summary of my day:-)

While I was driving home I realized that I haven't talked to Elif for a long time. I decided to give her a call, we talked for over an hour. It is nice to talk to her. She understands better now. I told her everything. She is happy for me. She wants me to go to school with her. But she is happy overall at least she is happy for me. Alot of people are having problems, I guess people always have had problems. I just never had any big problems with him, because he always made me so happy so I guess I just never realized how miserable other people's relationships were. Hehe. But I am not that sad anymore. Actually, I think I can proudly say I am not sad at all. How could I be sad when I have his heart? I am so so so happy. I know everything is going to be better. And then we are going to look back at this experience and smile at each other and learn from this and appreciate one another more then ever. God I love him so much and this is only the beginning.

Well I am exhausted. I want to take a nap but I really want him to call me and wake me up because I want to hear his voice and then I have to do some homework. I just want to tell him how much I miss him and stuff:)

He is still the only one...

The Day After Tomorrow

I do not understand what that means. It's like the end of the beginning. I don't get that neither. And another thing I do not get is why Christina won't go to prom??? I do not get that at all...

It is really nice to fall asleep with the one you love. I am privilaged enough to do it for 2 nights in a row!!!! Wow. I think I am the luckiest person alive that he is still right here. Could I love him more?? I think I could because he is so so so perfect. At least to me. Everything has been too good to be true. That's how he made me feel before as well. I always felt like I was in some fairy tale love story.

So the day after tomorrow will be Wednesday. Why would anyone say "hey, lets meet up the day after tomorrow" Why not just say "hey, let's meet Wednesday". I want some water. I used to buy Ethos water thinking they were getting clean water to children.. I was wrong. They only donate 5 cents from each bottle. How cruel?!?!?!

You know you care for a friend if you cry simply because they cry. Seeing someone hurt is the worse thing. I can deal with my pain but seeing people who are close to me hurt is painful. Saturday morning Emily came over and she was really sad. I just started crying. Reminded me of what I did to him. And how I made him sad and how I broke his heart. I hurt him really really bad. I do not deserve the oxygen God has provided all humanity with. Even though I do not deserve him, I will do anything in my power to show him that I can be worthy. I have so much faith in us and the future that we will have, I know that things will be better.

Saturday morning was amazing. Waking up next to him was amazing, and then breakfast... Sunday morning was amazing for all the same reasons. Well I should say reason. Since he is the only reason why everything is so good right now. How does he make me so happy when he is in so much pain, stress..!?!?!?!

I dont even know. Although prom is frustrating, I have faith. Christie is giving me an extension with my money stuff.... I can't believe $85 dollars. Money has no significance. I want to see him there. It hurts me to think...But I love him... I cant believe I fell asleep while writing a blog. Hehe.

Goodnight, I am going to back to sleep.

Longest Month of My Life

It's been exactly a month. Longest month of my life. We went through alot... Blows my mind away... I can't believe I still breathe without him. But I am still here and thank God he is still here too. I can't help say, what a month?!?!?!?!

Smile For Me!!!

I will do anything for you. Hehe. Smiling is one of my favorite things to do now. I smile to everything. I laugh at everything. I look at the world smiling. I got Crest Whitestrips because I smile so much. Hehe. I want to smile at the world with white teeth:) I love him. I know we will make it through this. It's like this. When we used to drive together, all the red lights would turn green. They would all turn green because our love was so strong. Our way was always clear and open. So there you go. Now, our love will help us get through the hard times.... in other words we will always hit all the green lights:)

What happened? I don't quite know...

It has been couple days since my last entry. I am kinda tired. Tired of life, school, people, myself. I don't know. I wish I could be this big bear and go into hibernation. It would be nice to wait until everything cooled down. I am under alot of stress yet at the same time I don't give a shit. The only thing I care for is him. Nothing else... I can't live this way. It sucks. But I have to hold on, even if that means I have to hold on by myself. I dont wanna hurt him. I have to let him go. At least for now. So at least he can get some space from me. Because no one else cares enough to give him space. Everyone constantly pressuring him, constantly on his case. Judging and gossiping about every decision he makes. I don't get it. He would have never wanted this to happen. He never wanted us to be separate. But oh well. I guess this is good for him. I am falling apart because I am weak but he is hanging on tighter because he is strong. He is going places. Without me, he has more potential to be happy and successful. I don't know how I held him back. I thought we were good for each other. I guess I was mistaken. I have so much love and care for him. I am just sitting here and waiting for him to realize that I will always be sitting here and waiting and loving him. It's like the whole world is against. us. Why? I don't understnad. But, this is just a test. We are being tested. Our love is being tested. And I have so much hope that we will pass the test.

The Smell of Rain

I realized something today... Why look so much into the future when you should be living today like it is your last?!?! I realized today that if I were to die... I am not happy and I am not making the people around me happy. I would not want to die because everything is incomplete... But I realized that I have to live everyday like it is my last therefore I have to show my love and care for him for that day. Why look so much into the future?? It doesn't give us anything...

Today at the airport, I saw this couple with matching shoes and jeans. And their shirts looked exactly alike. Can I just ask a question? Seriously, what the hell is that all about?? What happened to individuality?? What happened to learning from one another and teaching each other?? Since when do you have to become one person with the one you love? I thought it was the most ridicilous thing. It reminded me of some kind of lame Halloween Party.

I keep thinking to myself. I keep thinking and thinking. Why does he love me? What keeps him attracted to me? Why does he care for me? I wouldn't give a shit about me. I guess there is the difference between him and I. I need to give him time and space and everythign else he wants. It's not because I want him to come back... I'm trying to be selfless... It's because I care for him, I respect him. I have so much to give him.... I am filled with love. Hehe. I know it sounds lame. I feel all these crazy things. He makes me happy and all at the same time... really sad:-(

Today is the second day I use White Strips. I wonder if they work??? I will have whiter teeth. I'm excited. I want to go buy me a prom dress. But I don't know where to go... I want to buy an orangish pinkish dress. I would love it if it was strapless and exposed my shoulders. I would love it if it had a low back... I really want a prom dress like that. Of course I am considering a purplish pinkish dress too because what he says matters.

http://www.windsorstore.com/detail.cfm?Cat=6&SKUGroup=450040127&c3=15

Nice color. But that is about it.

http://www.windsorstore.com/detail.cfm?Cat=6&SKUGroup=450020683&c3=15

Cute style. I dunno about the blue though.

http://www.emediawire.com/prfiles/2005/06/22/
254416/Jovaddcopy.jpg

I really like this color.

ok. I'm done looking at dresses. I'm done thinking about it. It's 2 months away. I should go to Cache.com later. I bet they have good stuff.

By the way, I have 96 comments and 69 friends on myspace. Hehe. That is funny.

It rained today. I love the smell of rain. It was really nice. It made me smile. I love the breeze against my bare skin, it's almost as good as his touch. Almost yet not even close. God, I love him. I'm done torturing myself though. I mean what happens happens... I love him. Yay, I am excited for this summer.

I need to work on school work tomorrow. Technically today:) Hehe. I can't believe spring break is over. I didn't do anything I wanted to do. I wish we had another week off. But we don't. Oh well. I want to do more stuff... I wish we went up to the mountains. That would have been nice. I have been wanting to go up to the mountains so bad.Hehe, the closest I have been to the mountains was some Tuesday or Wednesday where he stole me and we drove for hours. That was nice. I would have loved doing that again this spring break. But oh well. It doesn't matter.

I really like that song. I really really like it. It is the story of my life.

Goodnight.

Yet another cup of coffee...

I feel bubbly today. I mean not crazy happy but I feel happy. After all we've been through together it would be such a shame not to be happy. I don't know if that makes any sense. The thing with me is that I speak before I think. I say stuff as they come to me. And each time they do not come out right. I hate the way things turned out. I think I need to work on my communication skills. It is important to be able to speak well. And I don't do that so well right now.

I wish I could write better. But I have been so neglected... I don't know if that is an excuse. It's already Saturday. Wow, how crazy is that. Whole spring break...already over. I didn't do much. I wish I went somewhere to clear my head, before IB tests. Renting a cabin whould have been nice. Oh well, next year. It's never too late.. we can always do that next year.

I'm really excited about Turkey. It will suck being away for too long. But I am excited to come back and see my lovely friends. I want to do something after I get back. Not seeing him for that long will be torture. But it will be that much nicer when I actually "fall into" his arms. Hehe.

What an amazing date :-)

I want to go sleep. I'm way too jumpy for one in the morning....

Friday morning

I woke up this morning and realized that I am exhausted. I could not move. I was forced out of bed. I went to work and then I called in sick, I should have called in sick before I went down there. Hehe, I am just a little slow. I ditched work today. And I don't really care. I'm almost done. I'm almost done. Sweet.

So I start at Guess? on Monday. I'm excited. There is these shoes I like and I'm going to buy them on Monday with my 50% discount. And that will be the last material thing I will buy until the summer. Well but I do need to buy a prom dress. So those two things will be the end to my shopping days.

I miss him. I'm sad cuz he is sad. I just want him to be happy. I'm the one who can make him happy. And I will. I know I will cuz I love him too much to watch him be hurt like that. And it's all my fault... He doesn't leave things half done like that.... He is different.

Christie asked George to prom. It was a really cute way too. Hehe. She is a clever one.

English oral is going to be a bitch. I will be working on it the whole day. I'm filing out scholarships tonight before 12:00. It's going to suck. I'm doing homework the whole day tomorow and sunday. Anyways I have a whole bunch of errands to run, I want to take nap, but there isn't enough time to do everything. I have a date tonight:)

Coffee at Starbucks

I went to work, came home, ate, threw up!?!?!?!, did taxes, went to costco, went to gym, went to starbucks to meet up with Emilia, cried with Emily, ran into all her friends... went to this really lame party. Left the really lame party and saw my nanny. She is really sick. I came home and I talked to my mom and my dad. And then he came...

Yes, I talked to him. I knew I was going to feel better... I feel better. Everything is going to be better. I told him evertyhing I have thought about today and he listened. It was wonderful and amazing. We are going to be better. I'm thankful.

WTF?

I thought alot today, tonight. I came up with solid ideas and thoughts. I wrote them all down. I want to say them and get it over with.

You see, that is the difference between a girl and a guy. When a girl thinks she actually comes up with shit to say. Unfortunately, a guy can't get nowhere with his thoughts. I have been stuck in this place for almost a month. It's been shitty. I have tried taking time off, I have tried crying, whining, begging, making pointless, meaningless promises.... they meant alot to me but not to him.... But now I have solid suggestions.... Solid questions. I don't see myself stuck here anymore. Once you have hit rock bottom the only way is up... I know I can't go any lower. So, something good has to come of it. But if nothing happens.... nothing happens... if something happens then it happens. I guess it was meant for us to be this way. I have always thought that you make your future. You can't let things be. You have to push in order to get something out of it. But it seems like right now, he doesn't want to push... You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Relationships are about compromises... I'm willing to put in my best effort, but I also realize one person can't make that difference. If he is not willing to do anything, we are still going to be stuck here. So I need to talk to him....

Sitting, Waiting

I'm just sitting, waiting, and wishing until you come back so I can give you everything I have.

Hello Stranger

Alyse: I don't eat fish.
Dan: Why?
Alyse: Cuz fish piss in the sea.
Dan: Little children piss in the sea.
Alyse: I don't eat children.

So I have been thinking. Chris and I have been thinking... about sad movies and sad art. (we have been watching sad movies... so that triggers sad art?) As brought up in the movie Closer when people look at sad art they think of its beauty, not necesserily how sad it is, ot how the person felt when they did that. I don't know if it makes any sense but we can call that beautiful and appreciate it... when it may not even be appreciated by its maker. So after all it adds up to being a lie and its just all fake....

I have been replaced. But whatever. I don't want to talk about it. I have plenty going through my mind. I don't really want to talk about anything. I don't want to write about anything. I hate this. I am being stupid. I'm drowning in my emotions. There isn't really much left to say. There is plenty to do.

Alyse: I don't see this love you are talking about. I don't feel it, I don't sense it. Its just a bunch of words...
Dan: But I love you, don't do this to us...
Alyse: I don't love you anymore, it's over.
Dan: When did you stop loving me.
Alyse: Just now.

I don't believe this could ever happen. If you love someone and have great care for them you will always have those feelings. Feelings don't just fade away.

I really like the movie Closer. Relationships based on lies and games are not my thing. I don't like liars. I hate when I am being lied to. Why did Alyse have to lie, why did Anna lie, why did Dan have to cheat? I don't get it. Why ruin something so perfect and special? I guess I want reasons for such things because I want that temporary relief. When you think you have a reason for something, your heart rests for a little bit. You think everything is fixed and you think you feel better because you now have a fucking reason. But guess what?? It's nothing but temporary relief. In order to fix things you don't need reasons. Reasons don't justify anything. There is a greater level of something. It's not to have a reason for doing something bad. I don't know. Too many things. I have drowned myself in my thoughts.

When you think that you have lost all connection with somebody from the past and they write you a message... I can't describe my feelings right now. To think that I met her in 4th grade. Wow. I don't know what to say. People go different ways. I miss her. Where is she now? Why so far away? I'm so confused. Why don't I have someone to hold?? I don't get it. Do I deserve to be alone? I feel alone. I know I am not. But I feel alone.People get what they deserve and I know I deserve this....

Goodnight.

I have hope.

I don't really know how to express my thoughts. I have been thinking alot. I like where I am but unfortunately I don't like where I stand with him. But I have hope. I know that we will be ok. I'm grateful that he is still in my life. So the last time I actually spoke to him was thursday. So Friday passed by without him, Saturday, and then Sunday... I was going to die today if he hadn't called me. I don't think I'm going to sleep anytime soon due to the reason that I drank too much coffee today. I don't even drink that much coffee unless I am with Chris:) I love him. I miss him. I want him back. Wow. I'm really straight forward.

I always had trouble with what I wanted from life. Because of that I was never happy with what I had. As of this moment, I couldn't be more sure of what I want from life. I want to be with him and make him happy. I know that there is a good me, inside all the mess. I know I need some time to think, read, sleep, dream, cry, laugh... I have been doing that for the past 2 weeks. And I can do that for a life time. I know that I can still do all the stuff that make me me with him as well. This long, extended break made me stronger. I know it is a bad way to realize that you need to show someone you love them, and care for them, and you shouldn't hurt them cuz they are the best thing that ever happened to you. But I have been trying to be optimistic so I am going to say something pathetic.. it is better late than never. I am glad that I realized it. Although it hasn't been long, I'm ready to wait as long as I have to.

So this is a question to my gang... Should I live with Emily in college? I mean I have known her since 7th grade. We are like sisters. Do you think it will jeopordize our friendship? Anyways. I am being random.

40% sale at Express. GO TO IT.

Today's blog is not going to be long. I have so much going through my mind. I'm going to be sitting, wishing, waiting and changing cuz I still have hope.

Without pain there is no compassion...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"How happy is the blameless vestals lot. The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each prayer accepted and each wish resigned."

Pope Alexander

Quotes of my day.

I watched movies all day. It was nice to just sit at home and relax. This is the 100th time I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A Walk To Remember was the saddest movie I have ever seen. Yep. Thats pretty much it.

I really like those quotes. Hmm this is a good song.

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Today was a mystery.

I am heart broken. There is no other way to describe what I feel. I am just simply heart broken. I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. I don't want him to call me or text me. And I didn't want to see him. I don't want to see him unless he wants to face us, I don't want to talk to him unless he knows what he is going to say, I don't want him to text me unless he is going to say, "hey, let's talk about us". I know it is hard. I know it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but this is what I need. I have to do this.

Why? Why did he have to go there when I was there? Why did I have to see him. I was doing good today. And then my whole world came crashing down, again. I don't know why??? I don't understand. I need to be away and alone. I can't deal with this otherwise. I was doing ok. I can't handle seeing him like that. So cute and with another. Why? I am in pain. My body ached because I was in shock. I stopped with all my might and just stared at him. I couldn't help but look at him in shock. My hands held onto the wheel so tight. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do! Should I be happy because I saw him, or should I be sad because he was with another? I don't know. Should I be angry? Angry at what? I don't know. I don't know.

I wanted to get out of the car and go to him. I wanted to hug him because I haven't seen him in two days. I wanted to ask him how he was doing. But I couldn't even wave at him or smile. I didn't know what to do... Why did I have to see him? I didn't want to see him. I don't want to see him. it's just so hard. I can't. I don't know what to do. Why am I hurting so bad? I don't know how I drove back to the hookah bar. I don't remember. I was so sad. All I could think about was.... he is going to watch movies all night with her. Once I got there, I didnt want to be there to begin with. I drove back to Aurora.

I went over to Chris'. She held me. I cried and she cried. And we cried together. This is the biggest loss of my life. Knowing that he is right there and not being with him is the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I still love him. Did he go to her because he misses me? I don't know. I cannot imagine filling his place with anyone else. Did he go t o her because he stopped missing me? I love him so much. Why did he go after her? Why didn't he come by my car? I don't know. Did he want to? I don't know anything anymore. I miss him so much. Does he, too? But, I don't know.

My imperfect world was focused around him. Now, my imperfect world is so focused around my imperfect self. I don't know where this is going. But with each day, I have less hope. But loss of hope doesn't mean I love him less. I guess in my case loss of hope means I am letting him go. I do want him to be happy after all. Even if that means, I will never have him again. I had my amazing, imperfect, flawless, frustrating, happy, sad, ten month relationship. I loved it, too. I don't know. Did he try to take back his love? He said he didnt know what it meant. I wish that he didn't talk to me after we broke up. Some things he said were really hurtful.

I don't know. I don't know much. I hate my bed. I hate my room. I hate everything. Why is he not with me right now. He is with her. I don't know. Why am I writing this? I don't even know why. I miss him. I missed him the whole day today. I missed him the whole day yesterday. I missed him alot the day before too. And I know I will miss him tomorrow.

Is he sleeping right now? I wonder what he is up to? I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I don't think he did. If he did... Things would be different. I think that since now I am not in his life, he is happier? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe he is. He looked really good today for another. He always did that for me. But tonight was different. He did that for someone else. Has he left us? Maybe. I don't know.

I think this is how I feel... I don't know though. I didn't listen to this song the whole day. But then I saw him. And my body started to shake.

Can't walk down the street
Can't sit in my room
Can't close my eyes
Without thinking of you
Can't smell a rose
Can't look at the moon
Can't take a breath
Without missing you
It's such a beautiful thing
But it doesn't make sense
Without you babe
If I could I would make you love me
If I could I would leave this place
I'm the one who could make you happy
I try so hard but I can't walk away
Why can't you be here
Why did you leave
Is it my fault
You don't love me
Why do I cry
Why don't you call
Why does it seem
You don't care at all
You don't feel a thing
I don't understand
Why I need you babe

Ok. I dont know. I wouldn't know what to say if he called. But deep inside I still want him to. Deep inside I want to see his face. But I will freeze up again. Why is he doing this to me? I guess I deserve to hurt so so bad. I guess I did mess up so so bad. But can I please fix it?

I wonder if he is still with her? Why does it matter? None of my business. I'm not his anymore. I want to text him or call him really bad. But I can't. I am way stronger than that.

Goodnight.

I hope you liked all the movies you watched with her. My night was decent. I guess this blog is dedicated to you too. Just like how I am so dedicated to you. I wanted to throw away your roses today. I was just going to keep one and I couldn't chose one. All of them head dried up and died. So fragile and weak. Kind of like me. I picked one up of the whole bunch. One rose to remember that night. Not that I could ever forget any night or day we had together. It is 4:00 am.

I still do have hope although it may be less. I don't know yet.

Goodnight.

Beside you in time...

Last night was interesting. I love Chris. She is my soulmate. I'm done with everything for Biology. I did so bad on my last biology lab. What can you do? I'm on top of most things. I'm going to rock my German oral... Dr. Lane is sort of lame. She would always tell me how I am going to fail my IB exams but now she is all like "Dicle, are you okay?? You are going to do so well on your oral." Ok. People are bipolar.

Chris and I went to buy scratch cards this morning. We spent a total of 7 dollars and only won 2 dollars. Where is the profit in this? We got more frustrated. She wrote me this note. I have read it over and over and it keeps getting funnier and funnier. History was going to be lame. I didn't go. What's the point?? I hung out with Chris and watched Flavor Flaaavvv!!! What the hell with these reality shows? They have gotten out of control. I don't think Flavor Flav knows the names of the women who love him. He calls them by random names like New York and Hoopz and such. It is interesting. We watched an episode where this black girl and this white girl got into a fight. The black girl really kicked the white girl's ass. All the reasons I will never pick a fight with a black girl. Oh that reminds me I wanted to check who got selected... New York is nasty, her boobs sag to her saggy belly. Gross.

Food is good. Lunch was amazing today. We stuffed our faces in food. I want to come home for lunch everyday now.

Biology was a drag today. I love Mrs. Bruskivage. She is a nice person, and she is not that bad of a teacher anymore. I think it's just I refuse to tune into what she is saying. She is a good teacher I am just a bad student. I have a 0 for a 65 point test and I still have a 76% in the class. Knowing that even if I didn't take the test I can still pass the class. That feels good.

I drank two double shots, one cup of coffee and I drank some tea in English. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep for 3 days with all that caffeine in my body. But when I got home from school I laid on my bed and I passed out. I was out like a light.

I went to Chili's. I ate good food. I'm so privilaged. I want to feed every hungry child in the world. If a genie came and granted me three wishes one of them would be to feed hungry children. I don't know about the other two. I would love to get rid of AIDS. It is killing alot of people in Africa. It seems to me like if we were to solve the issue with hunger and disease in Africa, they could catch up to this industrial time with us and Europe. Africa has been dying to benefit from this era.

Today nothing exciting happened. Emily called me like 12:00 at night and she wanted me to go over there. So, I begged my mommy and got the car and went to see her. We went to Starbucks and talked, it was nice. KS 107.5 gets lame after midnight. They played crap music. God, I love coffee. Its so bad for me.

I just remembered, my cousin wanted to hang out with me today. Bummer, he didn't call me to remind me.

I feel bad. I have to say my apoligies to Maria. It was just too late I didn't want to call your house. That is one reason you need a cell phone.

Emily's orange chicken crazes are driving me nuts. She is addicted to Hookah and orange chicken. I think she would be really happy if they made orange chicken flavored hookah.

Jeez, it is almost 3:00. I have to be up in less then 2 hours:)

I can't live without my phone. Right now it is dying. And I can't charge it because I left my charger at Chris' house. That really sucks. I don't know how I am going to make it through work. How dependent I am on a piece of crap electronic? I should be ashamed.

Goodnight to you too.

There is nothing else I can do....

It feels like there is nothing left for me to do. I told him how I feel and what I want... and if time tells all... maybe then. But right now, nothing feels right. He doesn't want it. I can't push myself and my love on him. I am withdrawing myself. Maybe then...time will heal us.

I still have hope...and maybe one day....

Cadavour

I was really excited about dinner tonight. My mom was in a really good mood and she was making all my favorite foods. She cooks amazing when she is in a good mood. So I was really sad when I missed dinner :( Anyways though it's ok. Cadavour was so worth it. I had never seen a uterus before, so it was cool to see how things are down there. It's so freaking tiny. How the hell a baby gets in there? I don't even know. It was crazy, we saw all these muscles. She was really healthy. Although she was a smoker she didn't have major lung defects. I think she died of heart disease. 1 in 2 women die of heart disease. It is the number one cause of death. That's sad to know. 2nd major cause of death is cancer. It is in order of breast, lung, and colon cancer. Colon cancer is the easiest to detect and get rid of, so once you hit 50, you should get it checked once a year. Breast cancer is huge in women but since more women smoke, lung cancer is about to be the leading cause of death when it comes to cancer. My mom had a bening tumor in her breast when she was 24. I should check myself for breast cancer too. I sure don't want my boobs gone:) All of a sudden things got weird and we started talking about sex and STDs. So i learned alot of new stuff about chlamydia and crabs and herpes and such. This girl's both parents have herpes. Weird, how people could be so open about that kind of stuff.

We talked about the brain and the doctor told us about how a man's brain has this thing that is smaller comparing it to a woman. I'm frustrated, I forgot what it's called. But if I saw a diagram I could point it out. Anyways, so Chris and I have this theory because of that missing link, boys are so different and they cant make certain connections. I think we are right. Stupid boys and their different brains.

So I did something today. I bought cigarettes for my father. It was crazy. I have never done that before. Obviously. Its not a big deal but it's just interesting cuz I have never done that before. I guess there is a first for everything. I hate smoking, and I hate smokers. It is the most unattractive thing a person can do. It's worse than burping. And I hate burping.

Christie and I are going to do this cleaning-out-your-system-diet. We are excited. You eat nothing but fiber (of course you have to drink water) for 48 hours and that cleans all the toxins in your body, cleans your intestines and everything. I'm excited. Yay, I have to go buy apples. Apples are 50% fiber. And thats alot of fiber. The doctor okayed it and he said it was a good idea. Celebrities pay a whole bunch of money to get their intestines cleaned. But we are gonna go the natural way.

I went to the gym. I saw him there. It was good. I thought I wouldn't see him the whole day. So I guess when you think of the worse thing that could happen and something good happens, it makes you happy. From now on I'm going to work out everyday. Ever other day I will be working out with Christie and the days I don't work out with her I will go work out with him. I'm excited for that.

I am excited for tonight. I will be up all night doing work. I'm not even half tired. Today was once in a lifetime experience for me. It was very interesting. For sure, this time I learned alot more. I missed him, but I'm looking forward to the future. Emily just got accepted to CU-Boulder. She wants to go really bad. Yay, we are going to go to college together.

Now, I have to get to work. I have to write and memorize my German oral, write my Philosophy IA, study for my Bio test, finish up my History, study for my History test, and something else that I am forgetting.

So I better get to work.

I DUNNO...

Today I went to English 5 minutes late as usual. She hates me. We had our essay on Love Medicine. I didn't read the book. I didn't even buy the book. So I wrote her this 2 page note on how I feel lost and I didn't read the book although I had all the time in the world to do it so. Instead I told her I read other books I have been wanting to read.And I told her it felt good to do so.

I feel lost really. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so alone. I just simply don't know anything. I thought that I could make this all better. I want to. But I don't believe in myself enough. I don't know. I have no clue. I should be happy. After this week, I'm practically done with school. I don't care though. So what's gonna happen after this week??? I am going to have nothing to occupy myself with. No school, no work, no boyfriend... Whatever. It doesnt even matter anymore. I feel like I am going back to the way I used to be. Kind of closed in myself. Maybe I should be like that. Before I didn't hurt anyone in my life. Other people hurt me. But this time I hurt somebody. Probably the first person who I really hurt. He was the only person who cared enough. I dunno why I fucked up. People constantly fucked up towards me. I should know better to not fuck up and to make him happy. It's too late. I feel like nothing is ever going to feel right. So what's going to happen if he gets back with me? If it happened right now, I would think it's because of pity. I thought that all you needed was love, but that's not enough I guess. I have all the love in the world. But that's not enough. I have all the care in the world for him. But again, that's not enough. Why is it not enough? I know why, I'm just in great denial. I guess I'm still so focused on myself. I think that it's all going to be better. It hits me time to time that it is over. And then I get so much hope and then it hits me again. It's like something pushes me down and brings me back up. It's ridicilous. I need something stable in my life right now. I feel like I have nothing. I should be grateful that I can still sleep in his arms and he can kiss the back of my neck with his sweetest touch. I still smell like him. Even though he is not here right now, I can feel him. I'm so in love.

I haven't really tried to fix anything. I don't know how to go about it. I have no idea. Like I said, I don't know anything. Wow, this just popped in my head. Valentine's day was sweet. That was the first time I had a Valentine. And then this year was the first time I had a date to homecoming. CRAZY. He was my first at alot of things. I don't know what to do to fix stuff. I have no clue. What should I do? I guess if we were to be apart for a little bit, I can figure things out. And then maybe things will fall into their right place. Whatever that right place might be...

Last night I was thinking.... maybe I just loved at an early age. I wasn't ready for him yet. I wasn't ready for this. I don't know how to deal with my love. It was just too early for me to feel this way. That's why I feel so lost and alone and all my emotions and feelings are in this pot, boiling. Where I am today is not good for me. But I can't regret that it happened. That's the last thing I will ever think. We just werent ready for each other yet. Maybe if I were to meet him when I was like 25...things could be different I would have married him the day I met him. It seems like I was made for him. Just simple things with him feel right. When I hug him we just naturally fall into each others arms. When we kiss. It still gives me the tingles or it gave me the tingles even after ten months. Everything with him felt right.

A friend of mine told me to write down all my feelings. She said "write about everything you feel". I think I have been doing that alot. I have these pages and pages of stuff that I have been writing. Otherwise I would be crying everyday. I dont cry that much anymore. I guess writing my feelings down helps.

Today, Chris was sad. I love her. But my love for her isn't enough. I guess I can see how she feels. I can't say we are on the same boat, but I can understand what she is going through.

Life is frustrating. I feel like I have no power over anything. I used to take control. I guess with this now I have to take some responsibility and control and then I may be able to fix this. I have to make this better. I know we can both be happy if I fix this.

I have my German oral tomorrow. I haven't even started it. I should be freaking out. But I am not. I don't know, I think I can do okay. What's the point of frustrating myself over something that has no significance in my life in the long run.I have my court at the same time I have my oral. I think that's going to be complicated to accomplish. But I will figure something out. I'm not worried.

I should go to the gym but I don't think I have enough time. I gained 4 pounds. I need to watch what I am eating.

I know that him and I will make it through somehow. I just won't let us leave things that way. I still have hope and I still love just as much.

Colors are brighter when you are near

I feel so lonely. I used to enjoy my Dicle time but now, not anymore. I feel like I'm sick of Dicle time. I don't want to be alone anymore. But it's fine. I am dealing with it just fine.

I learned something new today. If you can't love yourself you can't love anybody else. I have heard that before many many times. But I never really thought about it. I think I finally love myself. I feel like I am a good person. He came into my life and fixed my fucked up self. It would be a shame for me to say I am miserable. I am what I am because of him. I have become better even though I have failed to do the same thing for him. It is such a shame. I feel like I didn't have a chance to show him how great things could be. But I am happy. He made me happy. He still makes me happy. I can't say I don't cry or I don't miss him. I miss and love him plenty but I am happy he came into my life and I had him for ten months....ten amazing months. There are no words to describe how I feel so why bother trying.

I have so much belief and trust in us. I strongly believe I can fix this situation. Nothing is impossible. I believe that one day everything will feel right again. Him and I wont have to supress our love for each other. It will feel right to kiss again. And I know it will be a good kiss, amazing kiss. Over the past week our relationship has changed. I know we needed this. It seems like I am so fixed on what I want, which is to be with him but maybe this separation is good for us. I know that when or if we get back together our relationship will be that much stronger. I hate saying this but I like the pain I am dealing with. It shows me how much I care for him. I can't just brush this off. I love him. I can't just get over this, or deal with it. I can't fill in his space with anything. And I like that. I feel confident. I feel like I'm embracing everything that life has to throw my way. I am happy.

I am excited for the summer. Its going to be crazy. Not to mention I am going to miss him so much. Turkey would be so much more fun with him near. Colors are brighter when he is near....but it will still be alot of fun. College will be amazing too. I am excited.

I love driving in the snow. The thought of me losing control of the car really amazes me. I guess I want that loss of control. I want things to catch me off guard. I am always so sick of planning things. I think to myself and I am always thinking in terms of future. I guess I should only think of today and today only. My life would be easier to deal with. Not that my life isn't easy. I think I make things simple. I hate drama, I hate complications. I try to avoid them. The more I try to avoid them the more they find me. I guess I need to get used to life. Life is tough. You just have to learn how to deal with it.

I was watching Friends earlier. I had never seen this episode. They were talking about their "Lucky Number" (how many people they have been). My "lucky number" is 1. Everyone else fits in my "unlucky number". I mean why call it the "lucky number" to begin with. There is nothing lucky about it. There is only 1 person who ever loved me, cared for me, treated me like a lady. wow. The more I say stuff like this, the stupider I feel. I made all of that go away. But I have enough confidence in my love that I will fix his broken heart.

I didn't just break his heart, I broke my heart too. He didn't do that, I did it to myself. It sounds ridicilous. But that's true. I always go fuck up stuff. I'm done doing that from now. I learned something from this experience. I learned that my girlfriends will always, no matter what, will stick by my side. It feels good to know that. I love that they are right here. I can rely on every single one of them. I love them. Past week I have felt a ray of emotions. I have learned to show that I love. I think I love myself. I went from sad to angry to frustrated to depressed to relaxed and such.... I still have alot of hope. I don't think my hope is ever gonna go away.

I know Trent has loved before. He writes his songs for my love as well.

the farther I fall I'm beside you

as lost as I get I will find you

the deeper the wound I'm inside you

for ever and ever I'm a part of

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

if the world should break in two

until the very end of me

until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on

when all our hope is gone we have to hold on

Do you guys take money order?

Nowhere takes money orders. What the hell? It was frustrating today. And what is up with gas station workers and them having no clue about their surroundings. To know the town pretty well should be their job requirement. People usually stop at a gas station to ask for directions... Well I stopped at three (3) gas stations and none knew where Panda Express was. Emily had one of her orange chicken crazes. Interesting morning.

all I do

I can still feel you

numb all through

I can still feel you

hear your call

underneath it all

kill my brain

yet you still remain

crucified

after all I've died

after all I've tried

you are still inside

all I do

I can still feel you

you remain

I am stained

Great lyrics.

This is how I feel. I want to kiss him. I need him. I want to hold him and never let go. I miss the feeling of his lips agaisnt mine. I want to support him through this. But I'm just making things harder. I'm putting him under more pain. I'm pushing him over the edge. He doesnt deserve it. I want to make him happy. But it's hard when I am hurting so bad. I think about him all the time. But it especially hits me at night. It's so hard to fall asleep. It's so hard to stop crying. But when he is there...It's the best thing to fall a sleep in his arms and his simple brush against my back makes me happy. He makes the pain go away. However, I still cry because I hurt him, he is so amazing and I miss him. I miss him so much.

Last night.... What I would do to kiss him. I was in his arms where I belong. I belong with him. Its so hard. It is never going to get easier. As time passes I miss him more and more. I want to be with him more and more. Whatever I may do to distract myself doesn't even work. I can't distract myself from the pain. He is not in my life the way he used to be. I should be happy that he is in my life but I just want him back. I'm selfish and stupid. I need him. I need to be with him. I need to be in his arms, kissing him, hugging him... But I deserve this. God, I deserve this big time. I deserve this. I don't know what to do. Talking about it doesn't do anything. It just makes me more sad. And I bet it makes him miserable. Why is it too late? But it's fine. I respect what he has to do. It's just something he has to do.

Looking into his watery eyes and hearing his heart beat and his arms around me... seeing him so hurt... I don't even know how to finish that sentence. There are no words to describe how I feel when I see him like that. I broke his heart and when he lets me, I will do anything to fix it.

It's the hardest when he says he has to go. It's the best to hear him say "come here, don't leave, stay with me". I cant even describe how bad I want to go over there. Even if it is for fifteen minutes or even one minute, I want to see him. I love him.

I cry because I hurt him. I don't cry because I am hurting. My pain is well deserved. I cry for him. Right now, I'm listening to this song. I remember we were listening to it in his car, parked in "the park" and we were sitting in the back seat and I kept making him go back to that track and then I fell a sleep on his lap. That night was the first night where I was home really late. But it didn't matter. Everything felt so right. But now, nothing feels right. Everything is out of order. It will take a long time for things to feel right again.

I just wish I met him later in my life. It took me too long to recognize his perfection. It was too late when I realized. He was already tired of pushing us. If I had met him later in my life, I would have recognized how amazing he was right away because I would have been hurt so much. I make bad decisions. I don't know how I let him slip away. I should have made him really happy. I always loved him. I just didn't show it to him. I was so happy with every little thing he did but I just didn't show my happiness. I don't know why. I guess I was afraid besides being stupid.

Over the past couple days I have thought a long time about everything that I did. I was so stupid. I had him fully and then I caused him to leave me. I don't know why. But thinking has helped me figure out how. I don't know why I would want somebody who is so amazing out of my life. But I forced him to give up, I forced him to go.

Things could get harder. Since I know things could get harder, I'm glad everything is the way they are right now. I will try to be optimistic. If I leave it alone I know everything will be ok.

"I know how it is to love someone"

Lately, I have been hearing that alot. I don't fully understand that sentence. I could never say that to another human being. Love is different for everyone. I know how it is to love him... Because I believe I love him. But I don't know what it is like to love someone. I am not about to generalize my love. What we had and what we were.....were different. We weren't like any other. He was different. And I broke his heart. I messed up. Nothing I say comes out right. Nothing I do fixes anything. A great friend said today, "Let go of everything you worry about, let go because it's just eating you inside... Clear your mind and sleep at night. The reason God doesn't sleep is because so he can worry about all those things for you". She said to leave things to faith. Once you let God handle them he already knows whats best for you....So there is nothing to worry about. I think that was the best advice anyone has given me. She told me to have faith, she didn't tell me to move on, date other people or a whole bunch of stuff I am not ready to do. She told me exactly what I needed to hear. For the good portion of tonight I was in a good mood and happy. I was trying not to cry because it's over but smile for him ever coming into my life.

Hanging out with my favorite girls was fun. My dad let me have his car tonight which was a miracle. I think it's because of the way college stuff worked out. I was driving around possibly to meet up with Emily... I decided to call him and I woke him up. I still feel bad for that. I just wanted to leave a message saying goodnight. He is really sick. He is in pain. I did that to him. It was really hard to be there. It was really hard to see that I hurt him so much. And I continue to hurt him. Obviously, that's not the way we wanted things to be. Tonight was special like everyday spent with him. We drank tea earlier. Christie makes fun of me for drinking tea all the time:) chai is good for you.

CRAZY DAY&NIGHT

CRAZY!!!!

My morning was good even though I had to wake up at 5:00 in the morning. It was still good, cuz I saw him. We talked it was nice. We had chai together and thats always good. A cup of chai with him makes all my pain go away. A smile from him, makes every problem in the world disappear. A hug from him, makes my legs go numb. Just looking at him, soothes me.

What a great day with him. It was amazing. Everything was going to be better. We were on good actually great terms. Nothing in the world matters when we are on good terms. He was amazing. He looked amazing. He smelled amazing. God, how much I want him.

Today, I went and got a whole bunch of stuff for my car. That was nice. Now, I have to fix the door. So finally I can get out of my car:) But that doesn't even matter. Cuz when I got home, I checked the mail and I got accepted to CU Boulder. YAY. He came and hugged me and held me in his arms. Everything seemed so perfect, we fit into each others arms so nicely. I was so happy. Getting into college was nice, but having him right there was so much better. He is so perfect.

God, I never wanted to let go. But I had to. We had to go to the gym. It was nice going with him. Sitting in his car, looking at his perfection. How he drives so perfectly and everything he does is flawless, I keep falling deeper in love with him. Maybe, if he wasnt so amazing, my love wouldnt grow but every action he persues is like......driving me crazy. i love him.

Gym was nice. Sitting there in the Suana. Looking at his sweaty body... He makes me go crazy. I couldnt say enough, but the words just don't come out right. Nothing I do comes out right. I fuck up when I think that I'm don't. I fuck up everything. Right when we were being better I fucked up again. It seems like everything is against us. I want alot of things. I don't give a shit anymore. I don't care what anyone might say. I don't care what he might or will think. I'm going to write him notes, I'm going to hug him at school, I'm gonna call him to say goodnight, I'm going to dance up on him, I'm going to make every effort to make this work. I'm going to work on us.

Even if he is dating other girls...I can't just go do the same thing because that's not like me. I can't just waste my time like that. The only reason I would even think about doing that is to make him jealous. But that doesn't even make any sense. Why would I want that? All I can do is show him that I love him, and I'm ready to make him happy, make us happy. And I know everything is going to be better. Cuz I know things will work out. I love him. And nothing can come between our love. Not another girl, or a stupid fight. I will wait until the end of time if I have to.

He is sick, so I hope he gets better. And I hope he can smile after he reads this. I hope he reads it. Everything is so hard but I have to stay strong. I will do everything for him. And now I have to let him go and wait quietly and patiently.

One week passed me by...

Hardest week of my life. To think that only 7 days ago we could have made everything so different. To think that 7 days ago we were kissing, holding each other, loving one another more than ever, to think that we were on our way to be happy....and then it fell apart. Everything fell apart. But that's life. Things change. What can you do? These are the types of things I have been hearing from the one I love. It is hard. But I just have to take it as it comes my way. To know that I can make us happy and not being able to show that...sucks. To know that we could be going out, not caring about anything, dancing, cuddling, kissing... But it's all gone.

Today was hard. Difficult morning. I brought it upon myself. I can't complain. But it was nice to look into his blue/gray eyes. Maybe things would be easier if he stopped looking so cute:) It's not about how cute he is though, that has no significance...I valued him in every way. Not just his looks.

I went to the mall today, I exchanged a few things I bought. I'm stressed out. I stress him out. This is so hard. My world was so about him, now that he is not in my world, I have nothing. This is so so difficult. He doesnt believe or trust me. I was the number one person he trusted a week ago. I took it all away. Then maybe if I told him, would he believe that I could make him happy? Probably... Bad timing. Stupid fucker... All added up and ended us for good. I need to tell myself it's for good. I need to tell myself it's over. If I keep telling myself it's done with then I might start to believe myself. Right now, it's just hard.

Emily. I love her. She was with me the whole day. We went to the hookah bar. That was really chill. NO MINT???? I was upset:) We are going down there tomorow too. Emily and I are gonna dance away our problems. I'm excited.

8 hour community service tomorow. I'm looking forward to that. How exciting. What is the point of punishing me for a crime that I can never commit? Some laws are retarded. But they keep order. So, I can't complain. I need to sleep. He said he would call. But he didn't. I guess I can't blame him...After everything I did to him....He doesnt read my blogs, I think he stopped. Why should he? I wonder if he is just acting tough... maybe he has hope that we could fix it as much as I do. But I have no right to say that or think that. He is moving on. I guess, at one point in time I have to, too.

Today was the first time I had breakfast and dinner. I guess I started eating better. I need to ease myself in slowly. I can't just gain everything back. Not after I worked so hard. I look alot better now. Too bad there is no him to appreciate my body. After all, that was all for him too. I hate that kid. He took away the most amazing person in my life. I cant blame it all on him but I can blame him enough to hate him. We were gonna fix stuff. He didn't even give us a chance. He just went and took him away from me. It's like everyone is against us being together.... He had no reason to be against us, but he wanted to separate us and he did... Everyone tells me to move on. Why can't they tell me to wait, or love, or something that is more hopefull? Why do they not want us together? Not when he have so much love? If you can't wait for the one you love, who will you wait for. I will wait days, weeks, months, years if I have to. Because I meant it when I said I love you. I meant it when I said I could die for our love. My love just doesn't go away.

Now, I have to deal with this. Hopefully one day, I can be happy. But in the meantime...I am waiting for him. And I love him more than ever.

Longest Day Of My Life

Seriously, the longest day of my life. Did you know if you don't sleep for a week straight you do permanent damage to your brain. You start having anger problems and you go crazy. The longest I havent slept is for three days but that didn't even seem as long as this. This weeek just seems long. Really long. I could really enjoy it but I just feel so alone. That sounds pathetic.

The museum was amazing, fascinating. I loved the attention to detail. Every single body they did was just brilliant. It was a once in a lifetime experience. Everybody should go see the Body Works.

I went to buy new shoes. That was exciting. They are so cute. I'm addicted. I have a problem. I need to save.

I got in a fight with my father. He treats me like shit. What can you do? If I don't go to Boulder, I'm going to kill myself. I need to get out of this house. Right now, I have really nothing going for me. No boyfriend, no job, no life, no parents in their right mind. Wow. Hehe. That sounds pathetic too. I have to be happy, I need to be happy.

I'm looking forward to what today will bring. I hope something exciting happens. I guess if you hope for the worse when something good happens you'll be extra excited. I wanna be extra excited. So, let's say I'm gonna die today. So if I don't die it will be good day. YAY!

Blank But Not Really

Earlier today I talked to my cousin. He lost alot of weight. He is really stressed out. I told him to take care of himself. I am sure he will be fine.

This was hard. I have been trying to write a blog since like 6:00 PM today. Nothing has been coming to me. I have stared at this blank page. Nothing came out so I went and watched TV and then I feel asleep for a little bit. I woke up at 12:00 and then nothing came out again. I was texting Daryl and I called him. Probably the best conversation I have had so far this week.

"Love is blessing when you are with him but it is a burden when you are not" he said. Exact quote. He said "pain and healing is a process, you can't expect to feel better all of a sudden". That boy is a hopeless romantic. He really is. Daryl listened to me and he thinks I have every right to hate him for what he did to us. I don't even know why he lied. But Daryl and I talked about a few possible reasons why he did lie. He told me some stuff that broke my heart even more. Today was madness, I dunno how to deal with all this information. But it is almost 5:00 in the morning. I should go to sleep.

I hate writing short blogs when I have so much going on in my head. But I don't think I can write enough about all my thoughts. I'm excited about the museum tomorow. Dead bodies and stuff. CRAZY! Germans are mad. Hehe.

Goodnight...