I wrote up all my feelings and thoughts while doing two-and-a-half hours of yoga but somehow I have stared at this blank page for over an hour and not been able to write a single word. Here goes it:
I wanted to physically represent the peak or I mean the trough of my loneliness today. In an attempt to open myself up to forgive myself, I allowed myself to put it on. That was the beginning of my day. I thought, you are not that bad. It still fits you. And I did not foresee how quickly it would get re-incorporated into my day. The way I always reach for my neck when I am thinking, I blow it out of my face while doing yoga, or I lightly touch to feel if it is still there, or sporadically I look down to see which face is on top and which is on the bottom are all too familiar actions that are binding in its symbolic way. I am desperate for symbols these days. When I took it off I let go. I was so convinced that's what I wanted. But today I am on my way to forgive myself so I put it back on even if I am made to give it up in the future.
These days I can't stop thinking about the future. I am imaging my life, time and space continuum on the autobahn. My past is coming with such high velocity it seems as though I have no control over the present and the future. My past is deciding my future. If I don't like the present scenery, can I take a turn somewhere? Can I pick a new route? Will I make more of a mess? I think that as long as I hit the breaks first and not make the most abrupt turn I can change my route. I can change the direction my life is going.
Unfortunately, I have no control over other people's decisions and life choices. I created this rift and now I feel ever so alone. I am so sad and my heart is so badly aching that I still cannot fathom the idea that it can be possible to live with this. Yet, I have put myself in this exact spot multiple times. I have felt this horrible more than once. How am I in the same exact place? Maybe, just maybe I got stuck on a circle; gotta find the main road.
Aaahhh, I haven't written in ages that this feels like a bunch of scattered thoughts that have no cohesion.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Friday, August 07, 2009
A little advice from a friend
Hmm, friends...
Before I write about my recovery, I have been pondering the word "friend". Who are these friends we talk about? What purpose do they serve? Do they serve a purpose at all? I don't know. Unable to answer any of the previous questions nor pin point my friends, tell you their names, or tell you anything about them at all, boggles my mind. I guess they are the people I hang out with but do they matter? If something were to happen to them, would I, more than a year (at most I'd say) worry or think about them. While they were in the hospital or recovering, would I give a shit. It's not like it's me who is going through the pain, agony, depression, whatever it may be. I guess deep down inside, I would feel as if I do every day and live as I do like I did the day before and the one before that.
I strove and continue to strive to be so nice to every single person I know and meet. I am the nice girl at least that's how everyone refers to me as. I guess it was the way I was brought up. I read a book a while back that relates to my upbringing, the protagonist's caretaker would say, "if what you gonna say ain't nice, don't say it all". So, I have kept rude comments that come to my mind to myself for 21 years, then I realized the so called rude comments were not rude at all, they were to protect my identity, my authority, my belongings, myself from being taken advantage of. Why am I so nice? Because I keep quite in a situation a normal person would respond negatively towards. So people tell me I am nice because I let them walk all over me. I am 21 years old and I do not remember a single moment in my whole life where I stood up for myself, where I had enough self respect to say something whatever it may be rude or nice, I failed to protect me, the most important person in my life; me I always put second in the list of importance.
So now, in recovery, I am even closer to identifying my friends. A few there is, I can count with maybe one hand, maybe even less, again, I give people more credit than they deserve. I learned in the past month and confirmed in the past week that people I treated like family were not my family at all, they were not even good friends, they were just acquaintances. I like that term a whole lot better. Those are the people we need in our lives. You can have as many as you like, you don't expect much from them, same goes for them. You are extremely polite to each other. You never get too comfortable around them, you don't share as much with them. There is always a good distance between you and them. There is never too much vulnerability. You are never too exposed.
An acquaintance told me to write more, so one day I can look back at my recovery and learn something from it not relive it. This is what I am learning, as I lay in bed, read my books, wait for my boyfriend to come home, I am learning to take care of me. The only person who can do that is me not my "friends" because they don't give a shit. However, would I, maybe so but maybe not. I hope to look back at this when I am all better, soon enough the time will come, and remember I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to have a little self respect and have me at the top of list of importance.
Before I write about my recovery, I have been pondering the word "friend". Who are these friends we talk about? What purpose do they serve? Do they serve a purpose at all? I don't know. Unable to answer any of the previous questions nor pin point my friends, tell you their names, or tell you anything about them at all, boggles my mind. I guess they are the people I hang out with but do they matter? If something were to happen to them, would I, more than a year (at most I'd say) worry or think about them. While they were in the hospital or recovering, would I give a shit. It's not like it's me who is going through the pain, agony, depression, whatever it may be. I guess deep down inside, I would feel as if I do every day and live as I do like I did the day before and the one before that.
I strove and continue to strive to be so nice to every single person I know and meet. I am the nice girl at least that's how everyone refers to me as. I guess it was the way I was brought up. I read a book a while back that relates to my upbringing, the protagonist's caretaker would say, "if what you gonna say ain't nice, don't say it all". So, I have kept rude comments that come to my mind to myself for 21 years, then I realized the so called rude comments were not rude at all, they were to protect my identity, my authority, my belongings, myself from being taken advantage of. Why am I so nice? Because I keep quite in a situation a normal person would respond negatively towards. So people tell me I am nice because I let them walk all over me. I am 21 years old and I do not remember a single moment in my whole life where I stood up for myself, where I had enough self respect to say something whatever it may be rude or nice, I failed to protect me, the most important person in my life; me I always put second in the list of importance.
So now, in recovery, I am even closer to identifying my friends. A few there is, I can count with maybe one hand, maybe even less, again, I give people more credit than they deserve. I learned in the past month and confirmed in the past week that people I treated like family were not my family at all, they were not even good friends, they were just acquaintances. I like that term a whole lot better. Those are the people we need in our lives. You can have as many as you like, you don't expect much from them, same goes for them. You are extremely polite to each other. You never get too comfortable around them, you don't share as much with them. There is always a good distance between you and them. There is never too much vulnerability. You are never too exposed.
An acquaintance told me to write more, so one day I can look back at my recovery and learn something from it not relive it. This is what I am learning, as I lay in bed, read my books, wait for my boyfriend to come home, I am learning to take care of me. The only person who can do that is me not my "friends" because they don't give a shit. However, would I, maybe so but maybe not. I hope to look back at this when I am all better, soon enough the time will come, and remember I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to have a little self respect and have me at the top of list of importance.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
physical (not emotional)
The little life experience I have had, I do not recall feeling physical pain. Except on various occasions my broken heart caused uncontrollable throbbing of my insides or the salt from my tears stung my cheeks; oh how it burned to blink with those swollen eyes.
I have never had a broken arm or a leg, never sprained an ankle. Never endured such a recovery where everyday tasks suddenly become difficult and the sick feels less capable.
Last night, I tried sleeping on my left side then my right, thinking that I should do my spine justice by trying to keep my actions even. I woke up at 6:00AM and laid in bed until 11:00AM, on my back. I suddenly gave up. Today, or at least this morning, I am not going to be comfortable. Whatever position I am in, I feel pain. The pain I have never felt before, of having a broken bone not just one but two and getting accustomed to the foreign material I have instead of irregular bone that makes up my spine. Having a crushed T11 and torn ligaments, having faced paralysis, too much for a newbie.
I have never had a broken arm or a leg, never sprained an ankle. Never endured such a recovery where everyday tasks suddenly become difficult and the sick feels less capable.
Last night, I tried sleeping on my left side then my right, thinking that I should do my spine justice by trying to keep my actions even. I woke up at 6:00AM and laid in bed until 11:00AM, on my back. I suddenly gave up. Today, or at least this morning, I am not going to be comfortable. Whatever position I am in, I feel pain. The pain I have never felt before, of having a broken bone not just one but two and getting accustomed to the foreign material I have instead of irregular bone that makes up my spine. Having a crushed T11 and torn ligaments, having faced paralysis, too much for a newbie.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Exhaustion comes knockin'
Another couple of months have passed and I recently woke up from a haze... I have tired myself out. I don't understand how I can be so capable of loving so much while being terrified and anxious and nervous...
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
Life 101
I type these awful messages onto my phone. Things I would never hear come out of my mouth, never consider saying them to another human being. But then I stop, I erase. I must be in the stage where I am not as sad. I don't feel like crying as much. I am bitter. I am angry. I feel betrayed. I feel like my partner in crime sold me to the FBI. Another life lesson taught well, there are no partners of crime, there are no significant others. You are on your own. The so called relationship that we are all hanging onto so tight, despite all efforts, can be destroyed just with a couple words or a few bad actions. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, family members, come and go.
P.S. Happy New Years
P.S. Happy New Years
Monday, December 22, 2008
I noticed today that I haven't changed my profile setting, "about me" section. It's kind of funny because, I am not always sad. But every single post I have is a sad one (all one hundred of them)... because when I'm happy, I want to share that with the one person who makes me so happy, the one person I have loved unconditionally. Now I have once again, no one to turn to; he is gone... but for the first time I don't love anyone and I don't love him. Maybe that's a big fat lie. I want to believe that my big lie one day will come truth and I will not hurt any longer. I will start the New Year with loving the person I can rely on no matter what. She will never stop loving me, respecting me, caring for me.... So I post sad blogs maybe someone reads them and feels for me (by the way, I do not grow up, I have such a juvenile mind).
I have three semesters here. I cannot wait to get out of this town, this state. I want to leave. I want to go so far away, I want to be far from anyone and everyone. I feel so alone in this familiarity. I want my loneliness to be justified. It is very strange. All the people I love are around me and I want nothing to do with them because I am hurting too much. I have created this life for myself and I focused my attention on the wrong person. Now, I have to rebuild my surroundings, give my attention to other people. Start all over with a big chunk of my life missing. Metaphorically speaking, I planted a bad seed, I did not want to watch it die, I tried really hard to make it live despite all my efforts, I got no crop:( I did not deserve this at all. I am just so so so very much scared. I dunno what to do...
I have three semesters here. I cannot wait to get out of this town, this state. I want to leave. I want to go so far away, I want to be far from anyone and everyone. I feel so alone in this familiarity. I want my loneliness to be justified. It is very strange. All the people I love are around me and I want nothing to do with them because I am hurting too much. I have created this life for myself and I focused my attention on the wrong person. Now, I have to rebuild my surroundings, give my attention to other people. Start all over with a big chunk of my life missing. Metaphorically speaking, I planted a bad seed, I did not want to watch it die, I tried really hard to make it live despite all my efforts, I got no crop:( I did not deserve this at all. I am just so so so very much scared. I dunno what to do...
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
100th post
I wish that my 100th post would be a celebration. But I have no will to celebrate. I'm stressed and sad.
I never listen to my ipod on shuffle. There is some amazing music on my ipod. And of course there is some sad music that makes me feel down. I haven't been able to listen to many of my fav0rite artists because of the baggage 0f memories they surface and manage to make me think of sad/fun/angry/disappointing/happy days we had together. And I don't know how, but I end up so sad whatever I think of. Here's a song that came up on my way to my parent's house that just topped off the week....
So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
if I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
And time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
An I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
You won't talk me into it next time,
if I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.
'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
So tell me, did you really think...
oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...
'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home, yeah,
you're still the only one that feels like home,
you're still the only one I've gotta *love*.
I never listen to my ipod on shuffle. There is some amazing music on my ipod. And of course there is some sad music that makes me feel down. I haven't been able to listen to many of my fav0rite artists because of the baggage 0f memories they surface and manage to make me think of sad/fun/angry/disappointing/happy days we had together. And I don't know how, but I end up so sad whatever I think of. Here's a song that came up on my way to my parent's house that just topped off the week....
So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
if I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
And time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
An I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
You won't talk me into it next time,
if I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.
'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.
So tell me, did you really think...
oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...
'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home, yeah,
you're still the only one that feels like home,
you're still the only one I've gotta *love*.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I have no time to blog:( Sad day! I have a ton of stuff to do. Can I vent to you, orange_kizz? I don't have many people to vent to.
Here's the deal: I just got back my Anatomy Lab Test the other day.... disappointment:( But it's alright. I can do better on the next one. I became friends with notecards again. They will help. Now, I think it's doable. I will get an A on the next one. Anatomy Lecture exam, I studied for day and night. I hope I did well. I won't know my score until next Monday. I have my O.Chem Exam on Thursday night and I couldn't be less prepared. I just started studying for it couple of hours ago... I have about 150 homework problems due for that class by Thursday night. (I just found this out, If I knew it earlier, I would have done them). I only did about 25. I am officially freaking out. I also have a paper due tonight that I haven't even started writing yet. So, here's the game plan. I will do 72 problems for O. Chem tonight and then I will write my paper before 2 AM. I will wake up at 7:30 AM and do 25 more problems before I go to my next class. Throughout the day before 8 PM, I should be done with 25 more problems so that's over a 100 problems. 8 PM till 2 AM I should be completely done with the homework problems. Then, I will pass out. My exam is at 7, I can review lecture notes, recitation materials, quizzes, memorize functional groups and pKa's for all the acids and bases by then. Hopefully... I also have to finish my O. Chem lab stuff tomorrow. Grr, I am mad at the world. Why am I not better at time management. Btw, being this busy is making me forget my misery:) Hehe, I dunno. I think I rather be miserably melancholy than having to do all this shit. But no time for being sad either.
Wow, I better get cracking!!! O. Chem awaits me.
Here's the deal: I just got back my Anatomy Lab Test the other day.... disappointment:( But it's alright. I can do better on the next one. I became friends with notecards again. They will help. Now, I think it's doable. I will get an A on the next one. Anatomy Lecture exam, I studied for day and night. I hope I did well. I won't know my score until next Monday. I have my O.Chem Exam on Thursday night and I couldn't be less prepared. I just started studying for it couple of hours ago... I have about 150 homework problems due for that class by Thursday night. (I just found this out, If I knew it earlier, I would have done them). I only did about 25. I am officially freaking out. I also have a paper due tonight that I haven't even started writing yet. So, here's the game plan. I will do 72 problems for O. Chem tonight and then I will write my paper before 2 AM. I will wake up at 7:30 AM and do 25 more problems before I go to my next class. Throughout the day before 8 PM, I should be done with 25 more problems so that's over a 100 problems. 8 PM till 2 AM I should be completely done with the homework problems. Then, I will pass out. My exam is at 7, I can review lecture notes, recitation materials, quizzes, memorize functional groups and pKa's for all the acids and bases by then. Hopefully... I also have to finish my O. Chem lab stuff tomorrow. Grr, I am mad at the world. Why am I not better at time management. Btw, being this busy is making me forget my misery:) Hehe, I dunno. I think I rather be miserably melancholy than having to do all this shit. But no time for being sad either.
Wow, I better get cracking!!! O. Chem awaits me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
metaphor? may be not.
Here's my poor attempt at trying to put this into perspective...
...son gunlerde cok dusunur oldum...
I just walked into my room... reminiscing on the events of the other night... in comparison, my room is empty. How cliche of me to say this, the day of but it is empty. Regardless of its misery, it is in hopes. I could see that as soon as we came face to face, that is why she is holding up well.
My room orients itself so that the bed is the center point. I like it because it provides super- comfort and simply pleasing to the eye. Often times, I see myself on it, sipping tea while reading a great novel or a shitty one, sleeping, or sharing it with that someone.
Today, I walk into my room and I notice, my bookshelf is perfectly lined with novels and textbooks, my clothes are carefully hung in my closet and blankets currently not in use are folded nicely. My bed, on the other hand, is a mess. The sheets has come off of it, pillows one place and comforter on the other. There is no end or a beginning. The only way to fix it is to take my pad, my sheets, pillows, comforter and everything else off of it. It will definitely take some time and huge effort, but it has to be done for a good night's sleep. Then, I will put everything back on my bed. Build it from point zero. Go about it from scratch. First, the pad, then line the sheet perfectly so it engulfs the pad and the edges of the bed. Next, 3 pillows that I cannot do without. Last but not least, place the comforter. And once everything is all in place, hop in and enjoy. Notice that, I don't have to keep doing that every time. When I see that minor changes have to made, I will deal with them as they come, for instance, I can just fix the comforter, or adjust the pillows. Well I guess that was my attempt trying to put this into perspective.
...son gunlerde cok dusunur oldum...
I just walked into my room... reminiscing on the events of the other night... in comparison, my room is empty. How cliche of me to say this, the day of but it is empty. Regardless of its misery, it is in hopes. I could see that as soon as we came face to face, that is why she is holding up well.
My room orients itself so that the bed is the center point. I like it because it provides super- comfort and simply pleasing to the eye. Often times, I see myself on it, sipping tea while reading a great novel or a shitty one, sleeping, or sharing it with that someone.
Today, I walk into my room and I notice, my bookshelf is perfectly lined with novels and textbooks, my clothes are carefully hung in my closet and blankets currently not in use are folded nicely. My bed, on the other hand, is a mess. The sheets has come off of it, pillows one place and comforter on the other. There is no end or a beginning. The only way to fix it is to take my pad, my sheets, pillows, comforter and everything else off of it. It will definitely take some time and huge effort, but it has to be done for a good night's sleep. Then, I will put everything back on my bed. Build it from point zero. Go about it from scratch. First, the pad, then line the sheet perfectly so it engulfs the pad and the edges of the bed. Next, 3 pillows that I cannot do without. Last but not least, place the comforter. And once everything is all in place, hop in and enjoy. Notice that, I don't have to keep doing that every time. When I see that minor changes have to made, I will deal with them as they come, for instance, I can just fix the comforter, or adjust the pillows. Well I guess that was my attempt trying to put this into perspective.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Oh, when the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
And how the pollen fell
All around your face in strange yellow patterns
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the morning came
The bees flew down and
Wrapped themselves around me
And that's when i spoke the word
To have them trace your face for me in pollen
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
I wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
I'll sit here wondering about you
And how the pollen fell
All around your face in strange yellow patterns
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the morning came
The bees flew down and
Wrapped themselves around me
And that's when i spoke the word
To have them trace your face for me in pollen
But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
Come, come back to me, my, my darling
I wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this
When the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I am known for my long, dreadful, and emotional posts. When there is no one to talk to... I talk to my computer. Our lives are so based on technology and electronics, as weird as that sounds, my computer is a pretty good friend of mine. Come to think of it, without him I would not have much entertainment, let alone a shoulder to cry on:)
Past couple of weeks, or maybe the past couple of months I have been going through the motions of life, taking things for granted, and not appreciating what's been around me. I realized this 2 weeks ago. I am too late. As usual. Now I am trying hard to make my friends and close ones see that I am no longer doing that. It is hard to show people appreciation for being around, nothing more, just being around and being themselves. I have focused my emotions on people whom I literary don't give a shit about. I have let them in my life, the worse part is that I have let them in my mind. Now, I am regretful. But regret does not get me anywhere, so I learned to let go and be able to say the words, "I love and appreciate you" to the people who really do matter, like my mom or my best friend or whoever may come in the future whom I will love or continue to love. Who knows. I am hopeful. I wait with hope. Not the kinda hope that is pathetic and needy but the kinda hope that is patient and loving.
As ready as I am to say the words, I know that I cannot force things. I will wait and be there whenever I am needed. But what kind of a woman would I be, if I did not fight for what I loved? There is a distinct separation between fighting for the most important things in life and forcing something that is not meant to be. I will fight but only quietly, not force but wait. Only months and years will tell what the future holds for us and I have never been looking so forward to that future. And for now, what I have to do is not hold my breath but take deep breaths, live and love and never forget.
Past couple of weeks, or maybe the past couple of months I have been going through the motions of life, taking things for granted, and not appreciating what's been around me. I realized this 2 weeks ago. I am too late. As usual. Now I am trying hard to make my friends and close ones see that I am no longer doing that. It is hard to show people appreciation for being around, nothing more, just being around and being themselves. I have focused my emotions on people whom I literary don't give a shit about. I have let them in my life, the worse part is that I have let them in my mind. Now, I am regretful. But regret does not get me anywhere, so I learned to let go and be able to say the words, "I love and appreciate you" to the people who really do matter, like my mom or my best friend or whoever may come in the future whom I will love or continue to love. Who knows. I am hopeful. I wait with hope. Not the kinda hope that is pathetic and needy but the kinda hope that is patient and loving.
As ready as I am to say the words, I know that I cannot force things. I will wait and be there whenever I am needed. But what kind of a woman would I be, if I did not fight for what I loved? There is a distinct separation between fighting for the most important things in life and forcing something that is not meant to be. I will fight but only quietly, not force but wait. Only months and years will tell what the future holds for us and I have never been looking so forward to that future. And for now, what I have to do is not hold my breath but take deep breaths, live and love and never forget.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Last night was one of the weirdest nighs I have had in a long time. I felt a little something insomniacs feel... you are not really asleep but you are not really awake. Sleep always amazes me. How our bodies function day in day out, how we handle all the extraneous shit faced throughout the night. We take many things for granted... like sleeping. Which reminds me of my last meeting of the semester with the writing department, by the way what a great meeting. I cannot imagine having no contact with other people. Different minds trigger so many ideas I have that are in a mesh and new ways to look at life. I know this sounds so cliché but I honestly think that sometimes we are unable trigger those ideas without speaking to another human being. Even if it is something so obvious or may seem like common sense. For instance, at the meeting we meditated for a little bit. I used to meditate all the time or do something spiritual but now I do not have the time. The last statement made is just embarrassing to read over, what a horrible cop out.
The professor who is currently teaching "ways of knowing" in the department lead the session. Her voice was very soothing. We were having dinner and she asked us to stop eating and just pick one piece of food. Then we looked at it, we thought about it. We imagined how it would taste if we were to put it in our mouths. We pictured the texture of it, the sound it would make. Then we discussed, were does this piece of, let's say, lettuce come from? Who plants it, who takes care of it, how many people are involved in this simple process of providing lettuce for commercial use? You may think that this lettuce you get at Safeway for $1.00 does not mean much but it does. When you think of how many people work for this one goal and how many people in this world do not have that one piece of lettuce or the money to purchase it... or all the other shit you ignore and I ignore when we eat and sleep and go to class and countless other things. What may seem obvious statements are the things we have mastered to ignore all our lives. We walk and sleep in ignorance. I encourage us and everyone to be aware of how privileged we are and at the same time how ignorant. Tonight, when we go to sleep, thank Allah or God or your parents or this country or anything, for the place you are at and be aware there are many underprivileged people out there who do not have any of that. I encourage us to take action and donate 10 dollars to the people of Sudan who have been suffering a great deal since 2003. The genocide that is happening in Sudan is one of the greatest examples of our Western culture's ignorance. Let's do something as a community and try to break free from our daily ignorant routine.
The professor who is currently teaching "ways of knowing" in the department lead the session. Her voice was very soothing. We were having dinner and she asked us to stop eating and just pick one piece of food. Then we looked at it, we thought about it. We imagined how it would taste if we were to put it in our mouths. We pictured the texture of it, the sound it would make. Then we discussed, were does this piece of, let's say, lettuce come from? Who plants it, who takes care of it, how many people are involved in this simple process of providing lettuce for commercial use? You may think that this lettuce you get at Safeway for $1.00 does not mean much but it does. When you think of how many people work for this one goal and how many people in this world do not have that one piece of lettuce or the money to purchase it... or all the other shit you ignore and I ignore when we eat and sleep and go to class and countless other things. What may seem obvious statements are the things we have mastered to ignore all our lives. We walk and sleep in ignorance. I encourage us and everyone to be aware of how privileged we are and at the same time how ignorant. Tonight, when we go to sleep, thank Allah or God or your parents or this country or anything, for the place you are at and be aware there are many underprivileged people out there who do not have any of that. I encourage us to take action and donate 10 dollars to the people of Sudan who have been suffering a great deal since 2003. The genocide that is happening in Sudan is one of the greatest examples of our Western culture's ignorance. Let's do something as a community and try to break free from our daily ignorant routine.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I never thought that doing the same exact routine with a different mind set and emotions would be so hard. I woke up early like I do every Monday, I took a shower and went to my meeting. I do not think that my mind was able to observe the outside world until about 12:00. I blocked everything out for about 4 hours. Now that I think about it, that sounds crazy. It helped to think through things and get my mind straight. I spoke with Taifur today. It felt good to talk to someone who has a positive outlook on life. Sometimes I need some help finding that little happiness. Although most of the time I am good at it but today or the past couple days have not been the best days of my life. I must admit I have been getting better at it though. I just get sad when I am by myself. It's always very hard to fall asleep or be alone when mixed up in emotions. Anyways, Taifur what a great guy. I never knew before.
Rest of my day I just thought about how much stupider can people get. I have this friend whom I think is dumb as a brick. It's a mean statement but honestly she is. I was trying to engage in a somewhat of a casual conversation with her by asking her how her weekend was. She replied with the stupidest thing I have ever heard. She said,
"My weekend was great, I broke up with my boyfriend. He got a stupid hair cut and his hair was so short that I just had to end it. He looked ugly."
Damn, how shallow can one get? What do people think? It feels great to know that our intricate relationships with people and loved ones hang on by such a thin thread called looks or something stupider (lack of better words). Anyways, my rant on women who are not very intelligent... not very interesting... Now, I got to do more work and more work and possible kill myself after Thursday. Although I might refrain from doing that because I am afraid my hell would only consist of doing Chemistry and Physics for the rest of eternity... That does not sound appealing.
Rest of my day I just thought about how much stupider can people get. I have this friend whom I think is dumb as a brick. It's a mean statement but honestly she is. I was trying to engage in a somewhat of a casual conversation with her by asking her how her weekend was. She replied with the stupidest thing I have ever heard. She said,
"My weekend was great, I broke up with my boyfriend. He got a stupid hair cut and his hair was so short that I just had to end it. He looked ugly."
Damn, how shallow can one get? What do people think? It feels great to know that our intricate relationships with people and loved ones hang on by such a thin thread called looks or something stupider (lack of better words). Anyways, my rant on women who are not very intelligent... not very interesting... Now, I got to do more work and more work and possible kill myself after Thursday. Although I might refrain from doing that because I am afraid my hell would only consist of doing Chemistry and Physics for the rest of eternity... That does not sound appealing.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Today was the day I realized that I have great friends. I have taken them for granted. I know how it feels to be taken for granted because I feel like I have been taken for granted. It hurts to know that you are not appreciated. It hurts to know that you mean nothing. Your feelings are nothing more than worthless junk. I am hurt that I didn't appreciate my friends for a long time. I feel like I have fucked up. I don't know where but I have fucked up big time. Today, I am here because of the mistakes I have done for the past 4 years or however long I have been fucking up. I wish I could change this but I cannot. It is out of my hands. I have been trying to explain myself and get something out but no response. I can't do this anymore. I cannot push something that is not meant to me. I was wrong. He gave up. I am hanging here by myself. It is very difficult. I don't know how long I can hold on for without knowing. I am weak. I get weaker by the day. Today, I was very sad. I have not been this sad for a very long time. I don't know if I am the only person who feels this but when I am very sad I get sick to my stomach. My whole body reacts in ways I never knew before. It's very exhausting to try to describe it. I can't help it.
I spent the whole day with Carolyn. Nothing was the same because I was not myself. I am heart broken and she is too. I do not know what to do. I just do not want thanksgiving break to come. I want to keep busy and not think about anything. I cannot imagine sitting at my house all by myself for 9 days!?!?!?!? what will I do? Thinking evokes emotions... I don't want anything... I just want to study. I want to sleep and never wake up.
I spent the whole day with Carolyn. Nothing was the same because I was not myself. I am heart broken and she is too. I do not know what to do. I just do not want thanksgiving break to come. I want to keep busy and not think about anything. I cannot imagine sitting at my house all by myself for 9 days!?!?!?!? what will I do? Thinking evokes emotions... I don't want anything... I just want to study. I want to sleep and never wake up.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
I am exhausted
Last couple of days, I have been amazed at my body and how it is holding up with all the stress of life. Today I give up. I can't do this anymore, I am exhausted emotionally. I'm sad.... I am every word for sad. I am exhausted. I am direction-less. I am lost. Today, I lost the little bit of happiness that I was holding onto for so long... Therefore, I can't do this anymore... Because I am exhausted emotionally. I was home all afternoon by myself. I love when that happens but today I hated being alone. I felt alone, I feel alone. Nothing has changed.... I realized that I have felt this for a long time. Today that feeling was enhanced. I am lost and alone not to mention, exhausted emotionally...
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I can't come up with a clever title for all this...
Today was one of the longest days I have had in awhile. I cannot complain because I love what I do these long dreadful and at the same time very rewarding days.
Here in the writing department we meet every couple weeks to see what our goals are for the year. Today was a very interesting day. We had another of our meetings... not to mention we got delivery from noodles and company so that was pretty much a guarantee that Julia, head of the writing department, had something in mind for all us. Although, as usual the meeting took a different turn and we talked about being able to bring passion to the classroom while incorporating the personal and technical ideas or something like that.... well we didn't really come to a way to do that so the conversation just kind of went all over the place. But the whole discussion of passion made me think of if I would consider myself a romantic or if I would be be able to recognize romanticism.
Unfortunately.... I don't even know how to recognize passion when I see it. I love doing lots of things and I have interest in many different topics but can I really say that I am passionate about _____? I do not think I am at that point in my life... I remember saying couple years ago that I was passionate about art. Am I really? When was the last time I painted or produced a piece of art? I cannot recall. I also remember saying that I was passionate about music. I only played the viola for 3 years. I go in and out of phases where I "have" a passion for about a year and then I am done with it. Nothing in my life provokes that much emotion in my life for me to call it my passion. For those few of us who are lucky have chosen their passions lead a live where many of the things they do is focused and I feel like I am all over the place. I think that is a good way to describe where I am at this point in my life. All over the place! Well now come to think of it. Do I wanna be that person who has a fixed passion and is so focused on this path of life? How is one supposed to learn and establish and experience and..... I don't get it. Once again I have managed to confuse myself.
This makes me think of an assignment that I have for my psychology class that is due on Friday. I am very excited to write about it. I guess I can say that the current topic of discussion is kinda my passion:) Heh, the usage of the word kind of makes me laugh. We are talking about gender, class, and race. I am going to analyze the gender, class, race issues portrayed in movies that are out this week and I have to write a psychology paper on it. I am quiet excited to do that:)I believe I can really work with that.
Anyways, this was a long and dreadful post. By the way, I am very proud of myself with all this shit I am doing for work and school, I am currently on the path to finishing the novel I am reading. How exciting, I might just finish in the next couple of weeks and start a new one:) Who knows:)
Here in the writing department we meet every couple weeks to see what our goals are for the year. Today was a very interesting day. We had another of our meetings... not to mention we got delivery from noodles and company so that was pretty much a guarantee that Julia, head of the writing department, had something in mind for all us. Although, as usual the meeting took a different turn and we talked about being able to bring passion to the classroom while incorporating the personal and technical ideas or something like that.... well we didn't really come to a way to do that so the conversation just kind of went all over the place. But the whole discussion of passion made me think of if I would consider myself a romantic or if I would be be able to recognize romanticism.
Unfortunately.... I don't even know how to recognize passion when I see it. I love doing lots of things and I have interest in many different topics but can I really say that I am passionate about _____? I do not think I am at that point in my life... I remember saying couple years ago that I was passionate about art. Am I really? When was the last time I painted or produced a piece of art? I cannot recall. I also remember saying that I was passionate about music. I only played the viola for 3 years. I go in and out of phases where I "have" a passion for about a year and then I am done with it. Nothing in my life provokes that much emotion in my life for me to call it my passion. For those few of us who are lucky have chosen their passions lead a live where many of the things they do is focused and I feel like I am all over the place. I think that is a good way to describe where I am at this point in my life. All over the place! Well now come to think of it. Do I wanna be that person who has a fixed passion and is so focused on this path of life? How is one supposed to learn and establish and experience and..... I don't get it. Once again I have managed to confuse myself.
This makes me think of an assignment that I have for my psychology class that is due on Friday. I am very excited to write about it. I guess I can say that the current topic of discussion is kinda my passion:) Heh, the usage of the word kind of makes me laugh. We are talking about gender, class, and race. I am going to analyze the gender, class, race issues portrayed in movies that are out this week and I have to write a psychology paper on it. I am quiet excited to do that:)I believe I can really work with that.
Anyways, this was a long and dreadful post. By the way, I am very proud of myself with all this shit I am doing for work and school, I am currently on the path to finishing the novel I am reading. How exciting, I might just finish in the next couple of weeks and start a new one:) Who knows:)
Friday, October 05, 2007
Take this...
Last night, I accidentally left my music on. I believe sometime in the middle of the night I experienced what people call, "half awake, half asleep" sensation. Have you ever listened to a piece of music and felt your body pulsate as if you felt every beat in your veins and the blood flow through them as if your heart is in perfect tempo with every sound that comes out of your computer's speakers???? Yeah, what I felt last night was pretty much what I described times eh let's say ten. We are constantly so aware of our surroundings that we cannot stop for one second and focus on one minuscule, meaningless, satisfying, waste of time of something.
I have also developed an interest in the concept of sleep. I don't understand how people talk in their sleep either I should do some research on that. I wonder if sleep talking occurs during REM sleep cycle. Somehow I highly would disagree with that because it would make more sense to sleep talk when one is in the beginning stages. Anyways.... back to music.
I do not understand how every artist does not strive to do that to their listeners. Music has become such an institutionalized commodity. Most artists care about making money and selling albums. They produce music where they know is in high demand and will sell. What happened to being daring and doing what you love?
In the writing class, we organized a workshop that was focused around how to integrate quotes into your essat correctly and effectively. In order to make it fun we related it to music. We came up with three terms; the biters, commercial rappers, and the innovators. The idea was to show kids the correct way to introduce a quote, stating the quote and explaining what it was about and how it related to their paper. So, the example we had for commercial rapper was P.Diddy and the song that he took from the Police. He is the commercial rapper because he takes a song which is already popular and spits it back out in the same form with little or no personality added. He knows that when people listen to that song, they will think to themselves, "I know this song, it's from that band Police". Diddy is doing what is popular not something that is his own material. He does this so often that I do not even know what is his own material. Did I mention that he is a terrible dancer? He has no coordination. Enough about him. I should bash Avril Lavinge or someone. There is so many of them I do not know where to start.
But now imagine a song like All That Could Have Been by nine inch nails... There is so much emotion, personality, originality, passion, love, hate, despair, regret.... You feel all those and then some when he is playing the piano and every time he opens his mouth. You feel the rhythm of it all over your body... What else can I say. He says it all. That is how music should be...
Promise.
I have also developed an interest in the concept of sleep. I don't understand how people talk in their sleep either I should do some research on that. I wonder if sleep talking occurs during REM sleep cycle. Somehow I highly would disagree with that because it would make more sense to sleep talk when one is in the beginning stages. Anyways.... back to music.
I do not understand how every artist does not strive to do that to their listeners. Music has become such an institutionalized commodity. Most artists care about making money and selling albums. They produce music where they know is in high demand and will sell. What happened to being daring and doing what you love?
In the writing class, we organized a workshop that was focused around how to integrate quotes into your essat correctly and effectively. In order to make it fun we related it to music. We came up with three terms; the biters, commercial rappers, and the innovators. The idea was to show kids the correct way to introduce a quote, stating the quote and explaining what it was about and how it related to their paper. So, the example we had for commercial rapper was P.Diddy and the song that he took from the Police. He is the commercial rapper because he takes a song which is already popular and spits it back out in the same form with little or no personality added. He knows that when people listen to that song, they will think to themselves, "I know this song, it's from that band Police". Diddy is doing what is popular not something that is his own material. He does this so often that I do not even know what is his own material. Did I mention that he is a terrible dancer? He has no coordination. Enough about him. I should bash Avril Lavinge or someone. There is so many of them I do not know where to start.
But now imagine a song like All That Could Have Been by nine inch nails... There is so much emotion, personality, originality, passion, love, hate, despair, regret.... You feel all those and then some when he is playing the piano and every time he opens his mouth. You feel the rhythm of it all over your body... What else can I say. He says it all. That is how music should be...
Promise.
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