Where Does The Good Go?

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

Pfff

I am overwhelmed. I was proof reading my essay a minute ago and my brain stopped functioning. It usually does in situations like this. A lot of things bother me, for instance, how come one can party till sunrise and not be able to do homework till sunrise? I guess your brain getting tired is more overwhelming than your body giving in. I have been thinking that I don't really have any "close" friends like him. Maybe about 1.5 years ago I made a mistake and risked a friendship. I thought about this today.... what if he left me... I don't have any close friends. I could not call him and tell him the things I would tell my close friend after he left me...

I am overwhelmed. I have no one to talk to... no one to call. I missed 11:11. I would have wished for a phone call. I haven't gotten any today. It is unlikely I will get one soon. How come I can't go to sleep but he sleeps soundlessly? I feel like my heart is aching so much that it is affecting my breathing. I have trouble breathing when my heart aches. I thought that he told me we would not fight over stupid stuff. He doesn't love me. He hasn't for the past 6 months. I know he doesn't. When he tells me otherwise, it is not so much that he is trying to convince me otherwise, he is trying to convince himself that he still feels for me.

I am overwhelmed. I dunno what's going on. I know that not talking to him is difficult but once couple days go by it gets easier. Then, couple more days go by.... then, couple more... and without realizing it... you've buried your feelings so deep down that, you breath normal everytime the phone rings... because you are used to him not loving you, not calling you...

I am overwhelmed... because I am dilusional... because deep down I know he loves me... but these are all the unlikely possiblities how we will end. Deep down I know he is stubborn. And he will apoligize and everything will be better than before. But why are we fighting? I am not even mad anymore, I just want him to call and make up.. But my phone never rings. And when it does, it's not him.

Do we live in the Matrix?

This is the really odd, but I thought about this while writing my history essay.

Imagine this....

The only way for evolution and science to make sense together is that God put Adam and Eve into this world once he had already created the earth millions and millions years ago. So Adam and Eve were not there when Earth was just created. The Earth had probably already cooled down and became a suitable place for humans to live. Of course, by that time all the animals had already adapted to these living conditions. But wouldn't it be amazing if this was like the matrix and God destroyed the world and remade it and destroyed it again and so on. Hehe, it's funny though because it would be fun to believe that. But it's okay. I'll pass on that today. Better stick with Kuran'i Kerim.

ID

I am confused. I feel overworked already and school just started. But it's okay. I am getting used to it.

Today. I had my share of glancing back into the past. It was interesting and certainly sad. I have learned to move on from things and appreciate every bit of experience. After all, we are all guests on this planet. But somehow....

I dunno how to deal with this fact. I can't move on from the fact that I have missed out so much from this relationship and I have stopped it from becoming something better. I certainly am not saying that it is not a good relationship. All I am sad about is that that certain time has past us and now we are left with something that is different. Although change is good. What if things that happened didn't happen and I know right now things would be really different, possibly better. I can't argue this because I cannot go back in time and change things. Everything happens for a reason. Although, sometimes things that happen lead to bad conclusions. I don't want a bad conclusion. I don't want a conclusion at all. I just want to rewrite our introduction and start from fresh.

My first blog of this school year

I am excited that my internet finally works. It was a frustrating situation. I am so dependent on this technology. I love how it connects the whole world. I just got a facebook account. I think it is a very clever to keep in touch with all your friends. I figured it is alot better than myspace. Myspace has way too many freaks.

I am excited for my biology and history class. I am apathetic about my religions class. I think it kind of sounds boring. Although, I am not going to let it get to me. It sounds pretty easy and doable. Past couple of days have been really frustrating. I have been dealing with my crisis. I feel like I have made progress. It doesn't help the fact that I am so emotional. I let people see what really is going on inside me. In order to be successful in this world one must keep their emotions to themselves and come off strong. I need to learn how to practice that better. I have to go and speak to my wonderful very helpful advisor. I am so privilaged that at least I am sorrounded by people who are willing to help the individual.

So far, my college experience is going well. If I complained it would be disrespectful to my family and my boyfriend who are very supportive of everything I do. I am just plain thankful for today and anything I say will not do justice to how well everything is going right now.

I am leaving

I am in denial. I feel like there is still time before I have to go to school and move out. I don't want to move out. I always thought that I did want to move out but now I guess since that I am actually moving out, I don't want to. But I have always wanted to move out.

Although, I feel like going away for a change would allow me to find myself and be a better person. I would actually get myself acquainted with Freedom. We haven't officially met. I am looking forward to a busy schedule. I want to do community service, meet new people, study hard, find a job and for once enjoy being productive.

I guess after all, it won't be all that bad to move out.

I am not a good girlfriend

After a year and some months I still have not mastered the whole "thing" called being a good girlfriend. I am awful at it. One might say that I even suck at it.

Ideally, for the past year I would have liked to learn all the small details of his personality. But sadly I guess I haven't. I think that this will all be a celebration day for everyone who loves him and hates me:) But there you go I think the day has come. Celebrate fools, celebrate the day my heart breaks one more time.

I hate the bank!

My bank sucks. I mean it just sucks. I hate my bank. It is being run by the worse system ever invented. I would like to shoot the guy who invented that system or as a matter of fact I would like to shoot the guy who invented my bank. I am changing banks. I am. First thing tomorrow I am going to close both my savings and my checkings account.

I couldn't count how many times I got screwed over with this bank. God, I hate this bank. I think all their tellers are in on it too, this whole company is working together to make my life a living hell.
I would like to end this thought by saying money is nothing but dirt on your fingers.

I want to be so rich that I want to sleep under comforters that are filled with green money so I would never have to open another bank account.

Starbucks

I am a frequent customer of Starbucks. I admit the fact that I am taken in by this whole Starbucks chain. I like coffee and I like their reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake. But currently I am mad at Starbucks.

The other day my friend and I went to Starbucks. My usual order is tall white chocolate mocha no whip. Instead I decided to get a cup of cappucino. First my disappointment came with how it was the worse cappucino I have ever had and on top of that the couches were taken. How sad??? And my disapointment was followed by anger and frustration. The people who ordered after me got cakes actually they got my favorite cake which is as I mentioned above the reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake. The cashier who always gives me my cake in a brown ugly ass bag, served their cake on a plate and they even got forks. Are you joking me? I mean I can't describe how frustrated I got. Why did they get plates and forks? Was it the fact that these people were middle aged??? Are they saying young people can't use forks and have no manners. What the heck is the message here??? I do not get it. What does starbucks have against young people eating their cake on a plate using a fork??? I do not get it. I mean before that day I didn't even know they had plates and forks I thought they just gave it in a brown bag. But no, they have plates... and forks. We just don't see them because they are in a back... hidden.

Next time I go to Starbucks and get my favorite cake, reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake, I will ask for a plate.... and a fork. Because they have them.

The roads are full of surprises

I see driving as an adventure. Every time I get on the road something has to happen. Even if the event is small it is enough to make me smile. Hehe. I think sneezing should be banned while you are on the road. Imagine, you are making a left turn when the arrow goes green and you sneeze really big. There is a big risk of losing control of the car. I mean sometimes you cannot help it, you just sneeze big. That could be very dangerous. And how about those sprinklers that throw water straight onto the road instead of sprinkling the grass. That could be a great danger to all drivers. Imagine a beautiful day and you are driving, obeying the rules and paying attention to the road and all of a sudden water hits your windshield with all its might. I mean it's just scary. Its the worst thing at night. Anyways, I am not complaining because my car takes me everywher even through those evil sprinklers. Thank god and my father for that:) also my brother. It was a family effort.

Goodnight.

Love advice? You have come to the right place.

Yes yes, I am like that lady who writes the love advice coloumn for some famous newspaper. No names necessary but I am a great advice giver on love to the needy. I should most certainly take my own advice as well but that should be a different blog.

Anyways, I am great at this. The other day I spoke beautifully to my friend. Hehe, I am quiet proud of this moment of my life. I said, "every man who comes into your life takes something out of your personality. With every relationship you become weary. You know you have found the right person when he adds to your personality and you two can grow as a couple and be better people." I completely believe in that. Every guy who makes you cry, breaks your heart, cheats on you and leaves you like that is not a good guy... that statement was quite obvious but really there are so many stupid girls crying after the wrong guys. So stop and think... and don't cry!

Nothing is really going on with my life. I need to find a permanent hobby. Paint the Pot adventure was fun but short lasting. Watching the national geographic channel is great but sometimes I get tired of watching TV. So today's exciting story on National Geographic Channel was great. I felt smart because I have actually read about the topic earlier this year. Recently scientists discovered the ruins of a body of a child who is half Neanderthal and half Cro-Magnon. According to this discovery supposedly Neanderthals did not die out but blended in with the Cro-Magnons. So generation after generation they became one. That means the modern day humans still carry the genes of Neanderthals. Isn't that mad? I think it's crazy! Anyways, I thought this was interesting.

Couple hours later the same day.....
After a long night of doing nothing and hanging out with couple of people I decide to go to sleep before 1 o'clock. I am really excited for college now because I talked to my boyfriend and he promised to come see me alot:) So that can't be too bad, right?

B.F.F.

I wake up early....Well not that early but earlier than my friends. So I sit in my bed for about 15 minutes contemplating what to do. I am such a loner. Then I decide to write a blog and not call anyone because my blog is my best friend. Hehe... Pathetic loser is all I gotta say to that.

Today I would like to go to the pool and get a nice tan. Speaking of getting a tan. I saw the most beautiful child yesterday. This is little girl with big blue eyes and blond hair. She was so cute and she kept staring at me. I was looking at her blond hair and blue eyes with amazement and she must have been looking at my darkness and thinking wow she is all brown. Well sorta.

I have nothing good to say except little things make me mad. Like, being late to places. I dunno there is so much in my mind but they are so little that I feel like I am going crazy. So my boyfriend made me upset. But it is so little I don't think I should even think about it. I don't get it. If I were to tell him that something little made me upset he would be like "wtf?". Anyways, but in my world of messed up"ness" little things count.

Okay I think I want to go to UCD. It might sound stupid but I have my reasons. I mean why go to CU Boulder if I am going to go to medical school. I don't get it. I have to figure my crap out.

So today, I would like to go to the pool with Y. But I don't think he will have time or even want to go. So should I go before he wakes up or should I wait for him to wake up and ask him if he would like to go with me......

It has been a long time

Wow, the last time I blogged was before I went to Turkey. I cannot believe I didn't update for so long.

Turkey.....

Hehe, not much to say about Turkey. I was there for exactly 4 weeks. And no one really missed me much. I thought I missed everyone and I thought wrong. Since I have been back, I really did nothing except to hang out with Emily.

A wise male once said to me "you are like a kid, you trust everyone" he added "grow up and don't trust anyone". That is true. I need to grow up. And yes, I do trust everybody. I do love everyone. It might be the culture difference but people freak out when they hear the word love. I think it's just care on another level, on a higher level that is. I mean I love my friends, my true friends, that just means that I care for them so much I could die for them. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I see them. And that is a dumb way to describe the feeling of love. It is just rush of emotions or release of chemicals:) I am just kidding. Actually I believe love is the closest thing we have to magic. I read this somewhere, some women actually cry when they have sex. During sex women release emotions that makes them really vulnerable and emotional ( lack of better words). That is why women emotionally get attached to their partner. It is unbelievable how women are, they are just plain crazy:-)

Anyways, I took my friend to this crazy guy. Who supposedly does healings to crazy girls. Hehe, no offense. So if you are feeling down he takes away the negative energy in you and instead gives you positive energy that leaves you with nothing but happy thoughts. So it is kind of like meditating, he relaxes your mind and your muscles. He held my friend's hand and told her to relax during their session. After that he did the same thing for me. Although I just went with her, not about to pay 40 dollars for some bullshit deal. Anyways I felt nothing during our session. And my friend was amazed and she felt really good afterwards. The crazy guy told me that I must not have any negative energy to release and he added "I guess you are just really relaxed and happy as it is".

I am sitting here, really happy and relaxed with my nails done, not much of a care in the world except to contemplate what I am doing tonight. And it feels good.

Don't cry shopgirl

Probably one of the best movies made is You've Got Mail. It is about two people who find each other in the mist of a battle. So opposite yet so compatible. Couple months ago a person asked me if I had found my NY152 and I said.... Yes after a long pause. I don't know why I paused. But I am not going to contemplate over it.

What I hate the most is giving movies ridicilous titles. Titles such as "chick flick". Many might say that You've Got Mail is the epitome of chick flick. Well, I disagree. I think it is a good movie. A common misconception comes with a movie slapped with a title of a chick flick.... that it is a bad movie. I personally prefer the title Romantic Comedy... It fits the movie better. Although I cry everytime in the end when Tom Hanks wipes the tears off of Meg Ryans face and says "don't cry shopgirl", what a great line!

Today I did my nails. I never do my nails. I have been thinking, this is the time for me to be more feminine. I want to wear summer dresses, have curly hair and french manicured nails. Whatever happened to being feminine. I mean, I am so sick of wearing jeans and a shirt. I want to show my bubbly personality through the clothing I wear.. sometimes a smile is not enough.

I have been thinking for the past couple of days. I feel good. Today I woke up with a burst of good feeling. And I havent had that feeling in a long time. I have been thinking good things, things that will get me through life happily and bubbly. Bubbly is a cute word although a more meaningful word can be substituted. I have been thinking about where I stand and who I am becoming and where I am going... believe it or not I am happy. I love this unclear path that I am on. Unclear and unexpected is good. Not knowing what will happen this second, the next day, next month.... next ten years... it feels good. I love it. Right now is all that matters and the way I look at it is you can't have a really good moment and let it go down the drain next. Good things are followed after other good things. I mean thats just how life is. Lead a happy life now, make good decisions now, and you will be happy with the results later. Therefore this whole cycle of goodness comes your way...

I mean I love it. I love how we are this instant. If I make the best of today today it is simple as making the next day best as well... I don't know if that makes any sense. It made alot of sense in my head... and not knowing is good.

Laura's party is today and I am so EXCITED! One more day I get to spend with the man I love and the friends that are so close and dear to my heart. What a great day.

Happy Graduate

Oh YEAH

I am so done with school... I am excited, emotional, scared, timid for what lies ahead. Although my happiness cannot be described with words I am so afraid of what is going to happen next. I am leaving and I cant wait until I come back. I love my friends and not spending the summer with them is going to be hard. I will keep in touch with my buddies no matter what:)

BLUE EYES (blueish gray eyes:))

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes

All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

One whole year

Hehe... We made it through exactly one year. We cried the tears of hell together... held each other endlessly... I have never loved so much and been loved the way he loves me...

one year.... well what I say to that is... many years to go together... the strength we have will conquer anything:)

I love him.

Happy anniversary:)

Few more days....

I am almost done:) My brother is coming tomorrow. By the way, he could not have found a more perfect time:) Hehe, Anyways... I am going to Turkey and I am not that excited... My mind is just somewhere else. I am thinking other things... I am so sad that I am not going to see my friends and boyfriend for two months and my boyfriend seems to be happy about the fact that he is not going to see my oogly face for two months. That's just sad...

I keep seeing really frustrating dreams... I wake up crying or really scared.... or something like that. I might be one of those people who die in their sleep... have a heart attack or something.

I have no idea when my test is... I wanted to relax before my test and now all I can think of is how I am not welcomed... Anyways.... It's all good. I hate myself _________. I dont know I feel like I am not loved nor liked nor respected... and I am not worthy... I have never been... I hate myself because I am the worst friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, student...
example- .....

There must be something wrong with me

I am incapable! I have a Math and a Biology exam today.... I must be doing something wrong.... and I will just stop!

Prom is being stupid

God, it's ridicilous the amount of drama we are faced with!!!! How this prom bullshit is turning out is making me sad, although Christie is trying to somehow fix it. I don't know. It's so close. I can't believe it. I took my first IB test today. I wrote about something totally different:( First, I felt like shit and thought I analyzed it totally wrong but Yuriy made me feel better and made me realize I just had a different perspective on the passage. Hehe, I am happy the first portion is over with. I am excited:) Tomorrow is math and I feel confident.

Everything is just happening so quickly:) I am excited:) I am done with school and soon I will be done with IB tests and then prom will happen.... then Turkey.... I am going to miss my friends so much. How am I going to be away from him for so long??? It will be torture.

Prom is so close. I need to buy jewelery:) I made up my mind I am going to wear hoop earings for prom:) I know every girl on this planet will wear long earings and I need to bring back the hoops:) Hehe, I am going to sleep early:) I am excited to get done with first portion of math:)

Goodnight