Eventful

I'm going to Project Revolution tonight. I am excited. It is 3:30 and I am really late. Instead of getting a move on it, I am just sitting here and writing a blog.
The other day, I was watching Rock of Love. What a weird show. I guess rock stars can be so desperate for publicity they can go to that extreme to find 'love'? I feel ridiculous when I watch TV. The shows on TV are just obnoxious. Unless you buy cable or direct TV all you can watch is nonsense. Anyways, I guess your best bet is to just read a book:)

I have been thinking...

Just the other day, I woke up and for the first time in a long time I spaced out. With not a thought going through my mind, I just sat in the same position for about ten minutes. Unfortunately, then a I realized that I had to snap back into the real world, take a shower, eat something, and walk to school, go to all my classes and think all day. observe, absorb.
Over the summer, I have forgotten the stress of school and the real life. By the way, that show "Next" is so dumb. I really should turn off the TV.

I highly dislike pessimism

The other I was thinking about how I never focus on the postive things going on in my life, I tend to find all the stuff that is wrong. So today I came to the conclusion that... this is not a way to perceive the world. Its ridicilous. So here's some negative things that I have come to accept and actually laugh about...

Today, my neighbor and I went tanning. Colorado has been lacking sun so much that for the first time I wanted to get cancer the quick way... So we made our way to the tanning beds. ( I have never done this) I have never heard of this before... stand up tanning beds. How weird does that sound. You stand in this little cylindrical place where you have to hold on to these handles so you get an even tan. Of course, the considerate guys upfront gave us a pair of goggles that are supposed protect our eyes from all that UV rays. Mistake one was that Carolyn and I decided to tan in our underwear... And mistake two was to wear the stupid goggles they gave us. Well since we tanned with our underwear on, in fear of burning our you know... so now we both have a gross slut tan line on our assess aaaannnnndddd unfortunately we have gross goggle tanline on our faces... Well first I was freaking out. But honestly, this is the funniest thing ever. Hahaha. now I can look back and laugh at my situation. The butt tan line doesn't matter. No one will see that. But my face. It is kind of embarassing. Hehe, I hope it goes away until tomorrow morning.

Btw, I like being positive. Makes me smile.

Today is a cool date. 3. 5. 7.

I have always been good with arithmetics. hehe. See the pattern?!
I think today should be ingraved into history. The date reveals a cool pattern. I always find those once in a lifetime 'things' very interesting. Today would have been an amazing day... the weather was nice and I got to sleep in... however the day was ruined by the strenuous biology test. It's odd how I just lable a perfectly fine day bad just because of a biology test.
The problem with me is that I let stress get to me. People who are laid back don't let stress effect their lives, so in the end... they do better. I realize that is a big generalization to make but I feel like this theory has been supported... Well, last semester I was doing better when it came to tests but for some reason this semester I get really bad test anxiety and such.... Anyways, today was a gorgeous day.

I really like Colorado. Although, I must admit I hate it when it snows. I used to love the snow... so clean and white and pretty. Honestly now, I am sick of it. I see the dirty muddy snow on the side of roads and I just want to kick it. It feels like before everything had an order but now the world is crazy. I mean not just crazy, I mean CRAZY! Hehe. . . I live my life so unaware. Often, I need a wake up call, like a huge snowstorm to tell me, "global warming is ruining of biosphere". Hehe.

I want some apple tea. It is late at night. Unfortunately, I have no profound way of ending this randomness.

Affection or real emotion?

Last night before I fell a sleep I was thinking about affection which led me to think about a scene I saw in Grey's Anatomy:). I know I am an addict. A guy had an aneurism in some vessel in his heart and he was brought to the hospital for some complication. He was also going to get married to the love of his life that week. The girls and I were watching this and we all said, "they look so happy". His fiance was so affectionate towards him which made us think they were really happy. Unfortunately, when his fiance learned about the seriousness of the aneruism she left him. What happened to all that affection???

I always thought affectionate couples were really happy. Well I guess I thought wrong. You can be in love without being so clingy and affectionate or you can be in love without saying I love you every second. No one really knows what you really feel inside. Now, I have my doubts about affection... It does not mean the world, certainly it does not mean you love someone or you are happy, maybe it's some sort of a defense mechanism to hide all your pain. I don't know, maybe it means you are really happy. I wouldn't know, this was just an observation I made in Grey's Anatomy. Another life lesson taught by the best show on TV:)

I know I know I know

You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying
I know I know I know, I'm still your love
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you
Laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying
I know I know I know, you're still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Box after box and you're still by my side
The weather is changing and breaking my stride
I know I know I know, it's just this day

I didn't understand this song just yesterday. It just was so confusing for some reason. But now, I get it. It's not because I read, or study, or still waste my time going school. I get it now because of life experience. I say fuck school, people simply learn by interacting with each other. And sometimes you think you know. But you don't know. I don't know anything. I was sure of one thing, but now nothing. I got nothing. I love music. My heart aches. My head kinda hurts. I dunno what to do. I am just so confused. I feel like a kid on christmas who just found out there is no santa and her parents have been putting the gifts under the tree for years and years. You know how you always knew in the back of your head that santa doesn't exist.... but you never really wanted to believe it. That's me. I am that kid.

Now my spirit and my heart are broken. I dunno what to do to fix it. I don't know.

Flowers in December

...

Where Does The Good Go?

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

Pfff

I am overwhelmed. I was proof reading my essay a minute ago and my brain stopped functioning. It usually does in situations like this. A lot of things bother me, for instance, how come one can party till sunrise and not be able to do homework till sunrise? I guess your brain getting tired is more overwhelming than your body giving in. I have been thinking that I don't really have any "close" friends like him. Maybe about 1.5 years ago I made a mistake and risked a friendship. I thought about this today.... what if he left me... I don't have any close friends. I could not call him and tell him the things I would tell my close friend after he left me...

I am overwhelmed. I have no one to talk to... no one to call. I missed 11:11. I would have wished for a phone call. I haven't gotten any today. It is unlikely I will get one soon. How come I can't go to sleep but he sleeps soundlessly? I feel like my heart is aching so much that it is affecting my breathing. I have trouble breathing when my heart aches. I thought that he told me we would not fight over stupid stuff. He doesn't love me. He hasn't for the past 6 months. I know he doesn't. When he tells me otherwise, it is not so much that he is trying to convince me otherwise, he is trying to convince himself that he still feels for me.

I am overwhelmed. I dunno what's going on. I know that not talking to him is difficult but once couple days go by it gets easier. Then, couple more days go by.... then, couple more... and without realizing it... you've buried your feelings so deep down that, you breath normal everytime the phone rings... because you are used to him not loving you, not calling you...

I am overwhelmed... because I am dilusional... because deep down I know he loves me... but these are all the unlikely possiblities how we will end. Deep down I know he is stubborn. And he will apoligize and everything will be better than before. But why are we fighting? I am not even mad anymore, I just want him to call and make up.. But my phone never rings. And when it does, it's not him.

Do we live in the Matrix?

This is the really odd, but I thought about this while writing my history essay.

Imagine this....

The only way for evolution and science to make sense together is that God put Adam and Eve into this world once he had already created the earth millions and millions years ago. So Adam and Eve were not there when Earth was just created. The Earth had probably already cooled down and became a suitable place for humans to live. Of course, by that time all the animals had already adapted to these living conditions. But wouldn't it be amazing if this was like the matrix and God destroyed the world and remade it and destroyed it again and so on. Hehe, it's funny though because it would be fun to believe that. But it's okay. I'll pass on that today. Better stick with Kuran'i Kerim.

ID

I am confused. I feel overworked already and school just started. But it's okay. I am getting used to it.

Today. I had my share of glancing back into the past. It was interesting and certainly sad. I have learned to move on from things and appreciate every bit of experience. After all, we are all guests on this planet. But somehow....

I dunno how to deal with this fact. I can't move on from the fact that I have missed out so much from this relationship and I have stopped it from becoming something better. I certainly am not saying that it is not a good relationship. All I am sad about is that that certain time has past us and now we are left with something that is different. Although change is good. What if things that happened didn't happen and I know right now things would be really different, possibly better. I can't argue this because I cannot go back in time and change things. Everything happens for a reason. Although, sometimes things that happen lead to bad conclusions. I don't want a bad conclusion. I don't want a conclusion at all. I just want to rewrite our introduction and start from fresh.

My first blog of this school year

I am excited that my internet finally works. It was a frustrating situation. I am so dependent on this technology. I love how it connects the whole world. I just got a facebook account. I think it is a very clever to keep in touch with all your friends. I figured it is alot better than myspace. Myspace has way too many freaks.

I am excited for my biology and history class. I am apathetic about my religions class. I think it kind of sounds boring. Although, I am not going to let it get to me. It sounds pretty easy and doable. Past couple of days have been really frustrating. I have been dealing with my crisis. I feel like I have made progress. It doesn't help the fact that I am so emotional. I let people see what really is going on inside me. In order to be successful in this world one must keep their emotions to themselves and come off strong. I need to learn how to practice that better. I have to go and speak to my wonderful very helpful advisor. I am so privilaged that at least I am sorrounded by people who are willing to help the individual.

So far, my college experience is going well. If I complained it would be disrespectful to my family and my boyfriend who are very supportive of everything I do. I am just plain thankful for today and anything I say will not do justice to how well everything is going right now.

I am leaving

I am in denial. I feel like there is still time before I have to go to school and move out. I don't want to move out. I always thought that I did want to move out but now I guess since that I am actually moving out, I don't want to. But I have always wanted to move out.

Although, I feel like going away for a change would allow me to find myself and be a better person. I would actually get myself acquainted with Freedom. We haven't officially met. I am looking forward to a busy schedule. I want to do community service, meet new people, study hard, find a job and for once enjoy being productive.

I guess after all, it won't be all that bad to move out.

I am not a good girlfriend

After a year and some months I still have not mastered the whole "thing" called being a good girlfriend. I am awful at it. One might say that I even suck at it.

Ideally, for the past year I would have liked to learn all the small details of his personality. But sadly I guess I haven't. I think that this will all be a celebration day for everyone who loves him and hates me:) But there you go I think the day has come. Celebrate fools, celebrate the day my heart breaks one more time.

I hate the bank!

My bank sucks. I mean it just sucks. I hate my bank. It is being run by the worse system ever invented. I would like to shoot the guy who invented that system or as a matter of fact I would like to shoot the guy who invented my bank. I am changing banks. I am. First thing tomorrow I am going to close both my savings and my checkings account.

I couldn't count how many times I got screwed over with this bank. God, I hate this bank. I think all their tellers are in on it too, this whole company is working together to make my life a living hell.
I would like to end this thought by saying money is nothing but dirt on your fingers.

I want to be so rich that I want to sleep under comforters that are filled with green money so I would never have to open another bank account.

Starbucks

I am a frequent customer of Starbucks. I admit the fact that I am taken in by this whole Starbucks chain. I like coffee and I like their reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake. But currently I am mad at Starbucks.

The other day my friend and I went to Starbucks. My usual order is tall white chocolate mocha no whip. Instead I decided to get a cup of cappucino. First my disappointment came with how it was the worse cappucino I have ever had and on top of that the couches were taken. How sad??? And my disapointment was followed by anger and frustration. The people who ordered after me got cakes actually they got my favorite cake which is as I mentioned above the reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake. The cashier who always gives me my cake in a brown ugly ass bag, served their cake on a plate and they even got forks. Are you joking me? I mean I can't describe how frustrated I got. Why did they get plates and forks? Was it the fact that these people were middle aged??? Are they saying young people can't use forks and have no manners. What the heck is the message here??? I do not get it. What does starbucks have against young people eating their cake on a plate using a fork??? I do not get it. I mean before that day I didn't even know they had plates and forks I thought they just gave it in a brown bag. But no, they have plates... and forks. We just don't see them because they are in a back... hidden.

Next time I go to Starbucks and get my favorite cake, reduced fat banana chocolate chip cake, I will ask for a plate.... and a fork. Because they have them.

The roads are full of surprises

I see driving as an adventure. Every time I get on the road something has to happen. Even if the event is small it is enough to make me smile. Hehe. I think sneezing should be banned while you are on the road. Imagine, you are making a left turn when the arrow goes green and you sneeze really big. There is a big risk of losing control of the car. I mean sometimes you cannot help it, you just sneeze big. That could be very dangerous. And how about those sprinklers that throw water straight onto the road instead of sprinkling the grass. That could be a great danger to all drivers. Imagine a beautiful day and you are driving, obeying the rules and paying attention to the road and all of a sudden water hits your windshield with all its might. I mean it's just scary. Its the worst thing at night. Anyways, I am not complaining because my car takes me everywher even through those evil sprinklers. Thank god and my father for that:) also my brother. It was a family effort.

Goodnight.

Love advice? You have come to the right place.

Yes yes, I am like that lady who writes the love advice coloumn for some famous newspaper. No names necessary but I am a great advice giver on love to the needy. I should most certainly take my own advice as well but that should be a different blog.

Anyways, I am great at this. The other day I spoke beautifully to my friend. Hehe, I am quiet proud of this moment of my life. I said, "every man who comes into your life takes something out of your personality. With every relationship you become weary. You know you have found the right person when he adds to your personality and you two can grow as a couple and be better people." I completely believe in that. Every guy who makes you cry, breaks your heart, cheats on you and leaves you like that is not a good guy... that statement was quite obvious but really there are so many stupid girls crying after the wrong guys. So stop and think... and don't cry!

Nothing is really going on with my life. I need to find a permanent hobby. Paint the Pot adventure was fun but short lasting. Watching the national geographic channel is great but sometimes I get tired of watching TV. So today's exciting story on National Geographic Channel was great. I felt smart because I have actually read about the topic earlier this year. Recently scientists discovered the ruins of a body of a child who is half Neanderthal and half Cro-Magnon. According to this discovery supposedly Neanderthals did not die out but blended in with the Cro-Magnons. So generation after generation they became one. That means the modern day humans still carry the genes of Neanderthals. Isn't that mad? I think it's crazy! Anyways, I thought this was interesting.

Couple hours later the same day.....
After a long night of doing nothing and hanging out with couple of people I decide to go to sleep before 1 o'clock. I am really excited for college now because I talked to my boyfriend and he promised to come see me alot:) So that can't be too bad, right?

B.F.F.

I wake up early....Well not that early but earlier than my friends. So I sit in my bed for about 15 minutes contemplating what to do. I am such a loner. Then I decide to write a blog and not call anyone because my blog is my best friend. Hehe... Pathetic loser is all I gotta say to that.

Today I would like to go to the pool and get a nice tan. Speaking of getting a tan. I saw the most beautiful child yesterday. This is little girl with big blue eyes and blond hair. She was so cute and she kept staring at me. I was looking at her blond hair and blue eyes with amazement and she must have been looking at my darkness and thinking wow she is all brown. Well sorta.

I have nothing good to say except little things make me mad. Like, being late to places. I dunno there is so much in my mind but they are so little that I feel like I am going crazy. So my boyfriend made me upset. But it is so little I don't think I should even think about it. I don't get it. If I were to tell him that something little made me upset he would be like "wtf?". Anyways, but in my world of messed up"ness" little things count.

Okay I think I want to go to UCD. It might sound stupid but I have my reasons. I mean why go to CU Boulder if I am going to go to medical school. I don't get it. I have to figure my crap out.

So today, I would like to go to the pool with Y. But I don't think he will have time or even want to go. So should I go before he wakes up or should I wait for him to wake up and ask him if he would like to go with me......

It has been a long time

Wow, the last time I blogged was before I went to Turkey. I cannot believe I didn't update for so long.

Turkey.....

Hehe, not much to say about Turkey. I was there for exactly 4 weeks. And no one really missed me much. I thought I missed everyone and I thought wrong. Since I have been back, I really did nothing except to hang out with Emily.

A wise male once said to me "you are like a kid, you trust everyone" he added "grow up and don't trust anyone". That is true. I need to grow up. And yes, I do trust everybody. I do love everyone. It might be the culture difference but people freak out when they hear the word love. I think it's just care on another level, on a higher level that is. I mean I love my friends, my true friends, that just means that I care for them so much I could die for them. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I see them. And that is a dumb way to describe the feeling of love. It is just rush of emotions or release of chemicals:) I am just kidding. Actually I believe love is the closest thing we have to magic. I read this somewhere, some women actually cry when they have sex. During sex women release emotions that makes them really vulnerable and emotional ( lack of better words). That is why women emotionally get attached to their partner. It is unbelievable how women are, they are just plain crazy:-)

Anyways, I took my friend to this crazy guy. Who supposedly does healings to crazy girls. Hehe, no offense. So if you are feeling down he takes away the negative energy in you and instead gives you positive energy that leaves you with nothing but happy thoughts. So it is kind of like meditating, he relaxes your mind and your muscles. He held my friend's hand and told her to relax during their session. After that he did the same thing for me. Although I just went with her, not about to pay 40 dollars for some bullshit deal. Anyways I felt nothing during our session. And my friend was amazed and she felt really good afterwards. The crazy guy told me that I must not have any negative energy to release and he added "I guess you are just really relaxed and happy as it is".

I am sitting here, really happy and relaxed with my nails done, not much of a care in the world except to contemplate what I am doing tonight. And it feels good.