Don't cry shopgirl

Probably one of the best movies made is You've Got Mail. It is about two people who find each other in the mist of a battle. So opposite yet so compatible. Couple months ago a person asked me if I had found my NY152 and I said.... Yes after a long pause. I don't know why I paused. But I am not going to contemplate over it.

What I hate the most is giving movies ridicilous titles. Titles such as "chick flick". Many might say that You've Got Mail is the epitome of chick flick. Well, I disagree. I think it is a good movie. A common misconception comes with a movie slapped with a title of a chick flick.... that it is a bad movie. I personally prefer the title Romantic Comedy... It fits the movie better. Although I cry everytime in the end when Tom Hanks wipes the tears off of Meg Ryans face and says "don't cry shopgirl", what a great line!

Today I did my nails. I never do my nails. I have been thinking, this is the time for me to be more feminine. I want to wear summer dresses, have curly hair and french manicured nails. Whatever happened to being feminine. I mean, I am so sick of wearing jeans and a shirt. I want to show my bubbly personality through the clothing I wear.. sometimes a smile is not enough.

I have been thinking for the past couple of days. I feel good. Today I woke up with a burst of good feeling. And I havent had that feeling in a long time. I have been thinking good things, things that will get me through life happily and bubbly. Bubbly is a cute word although a more meaningful word can be substituted. I have been thinking about where I stand and who I am becoming and where I am going... believe it or not I am happy. I love this unclear path that I am on. Unclear and unexpected is good. Not knowing what will happen this second, the next day, next month.... next ten years... it feels good. I love it. Right now is all that matters and the way I look at it is you can't have a really good moment and let it go down the drain next. Good things are followed after other good things. I mean thats just how life is. Lead a happy life now, make good decisions now, and you will be happy with the results later. Therefore this whole cycle of goodness comes your way...

I mean I love it. I love how we are this instant. If I make the best of today today it is simple as making the next day best as well... I don't know if that makes any sense. It made alot of sense in my head... and not knowing is good.

Laura's party is today and I am so EXCITED! One more day I get to spend with the man I love and the friends that are so close and dear to my heart. What a great day.

Happy Graduate

Oh YEAH

I am so done with school... I am excited, emotional, scared, timid for what lies ahead. Although my happiness cannot be described with words I am so afraid of what is going to happen next. I am leaving and I cant wait until I come back. I love my friends and not spending the summer with them is going to be hard. I will keep in touch with my buddies no matter what:)

BLUE EYES (blueish gray eyes:))

Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you

Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean

Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes

All the lights on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are

Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna be the one

I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna get it on with you

Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep
Cause Blue Eyes
I just wanna sing a song with you…

One whole year

Hehe... We made it through exactly one year. We cried the tears of hell together... held each other endlessly... I have never loved so much and been loved the way he loves me...

one year.... well what I say to that is... many years to go together... the strength we have will conquer anything:)

I love him.

Happy anniversary:)

Few more days....

I am almost done:) My brother is coming tomorrow. By the way, he could not have found a more perfect time:) Hehe, Anyways... I am going to Turkey and I am not that excited... My mind is just somewhere else. I am thinking other things... I am so sad that I am not going to see my friends and boyfriend for two months and my boyfriend seems to be happy about the fact that he is not going to see my oogly face for two months. That's just sad...

I keep seeing really frustrating dreams... I wake up crying or really scared.... or something like that. I might be one of those people who die in their sleep... have a heart attack or something.

I have no idea when my test is... I wanted to relax before my test and now all I can think of is how I am not welcomed... Anyways.... It's all good. I hate myself _________. I dont know I feel like I am not loved nor liked nor respected... and I am not worthy... I have never been... I hate myself because I am the worst friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, student...
example- .....

There must be something wrong with me

I am incapable! I have a Math and a Biology exam today.... I must be doing something wrong.... and I will just stop!

Prom is being stupid

God, it's ridicilous the amount of drama we are faced with!!!! How this prom bullshit is turning out is making me sad, although Christie is trying to somehow fix it. I don't know. It's so close. I can't believe it. I took my first IB test today. I wrote about something totally different:( First, I felt like shit and thought I analyzed it totally wrong but Yuriy made me feel better and made me realize I just had a different perspective on the passage. Hehe, I am happy the first portion is over with. I am excited:) Tomorrow is math and I feel confident.

Everything is just happening so quickly:) I am excited:) I am done with school and soon I will be done with IB tests and then prom will happen.... then Turkey.... I am going to miss my friends so much. How am I going to be away from him for so long??? It will be torture.

Prom is so close. I need to buy jewelery:) I made up my mind I am going to wear hoop earings for prom:) I know every girl on this planet will wear long earings and I need to bring back the hoops:) Hehe, I am going to sleep early:) I am excited to get done with first portion of math:)

Goodnight

Baby Carrots:):)

I really love baby carrots. The name is so cute. I wonder how they are made. Do they give them anti-growth hormones??

Today was a good day. No matter what anyone says, today was an amazing day. To see him smile once makes it a good day.

I love him... I have never loved anyone before. I love him more than words can say. I have never been so emotionally attached. Wow, I have never been so proud of someone like I am of him. Hehehe, good things come out of everything. Life is good to good people. That's why I don't worry a day about my future nor his. I know good people are meant to be happy. And I have never been happier in his arms. He can do this to me with one smile. I hope he smiles every day:) He is just flawless:) and this couldn't be better.

I am happy for my future...

Saturday morning!

What an obvious title. Saturday mornings are my favorite now. I don't have to wake up 4:00 in the morning. It just woke up about 3 minutes ago. I feel amazing. You know sometimes I have so much to say and the right words never come out. So I decided to say less... Maybe that is the reason I have not been updating so much.

I am really excited because my brother is coming to see me May 10th. He said he missed me. I miss him just as much if not more. Why do I attach myself to people like this? I should be the only one who controls my feelings but now it seems like I have no control in my life. I don't know if I like this. It seems like I never know what's going to happen because I don't have say in anything....

I am in shock. People care for me. Unbelievable. They really do. My mother really cares for me although she sucks at showing it. Almost everyone sucks at making me feel loved. But it's okay. Because I learned to deal with it. Deep inside I know people and how they feel even if they treat me badly.

All my life, I had to deal with people. I just kind of brushed it off. But I was spoiled for 9 months. For the first time in my life. Hehe, what a selfish thing to say, but I am not spoiled anymore. Welcome to the real world.

I know this is how everything will be like. Get used to it. I have been hearing this alot. Good things come out of bad things so nothing is ever bad. Life loves me even if no one else does.

I don't know how I put myself in such a mood in less then 3 minutes. I love everything. I am so excited for the next 12 or 13 hours. I love it. I love this. I love myself and I don't want to die:)

This is what it feels like

when he doesn't want you
when he doesn't love you
when he doesn't want to be around you
when you can't make him happy
when you are not enough
when you suck at life
when you are an awful person
when you are nothing but shit
when he doesn't trust you
when he doesn't say it back
when he smiles just out of pity
when he pities you
when he calls you a bitch
when he yells at you
when your family is no longer a support
when you hate life
when you hate everything but him
when you need him, love him, want him, but he he just doesn't give a fuck

Difficulties

Today is April 21st. Prom is in a month. IB tests are after next week. I am so excited for school being over I am not even freaking out about IB tests. I do not even care about them. I am excited for prom. I am excited:):) Hehe.

It is hard to work right across from Godiva Chocolatier. All I wanna do is go buy a pound of chocolate. hehe. It is so hard to work at Guess as well. I want to buy everything.

Anyways, I am going to work out:)

Why is "goodnight" a single word and "good morning" two???

I don't know why my mind is so full of stuff. I don't know why I have not done anything for school for the past 2 months. I am surprised at how I am not failing any classes. I don't even have any Ds. Although, I deserve them. I need to put myself together and do my homework. I should be happy and I am... But I dunno why I act this way. I am just hurt by life. I dont know what that is supposed to mean. I don't know why.

I should be happy because I have everything I need. Everyone I love is right by me. I need to keep my loved ones close and my enemies far far away. I don't think I have any enemies. I am kind of tired. But I need to do study. I don't know what is wrong. I don't think anything is wrong. Am I just thinking too hard and making my perfect life imperfect? I don't know, the only thing that is perfect in my life is... He is the only one.

I have a virus in my computer and it sucks. I wish I could be with him right now. The only time I can be myself... the only time I can think sraight... the only time I am happy is when I am with him. I bet he doesn't even know/realize how he influences me.....

I don't know why my friends are stupid or act stupid or say stupid things. They just simply don't know/understand.... i don't know. They don't care. Therefore I shouldn't care. i am exhausted. I should go to sleep. But I can't. I am waiting for his phone call. I don't know. I hope he calls. I need to turn in my math homework tomorrow morning. Katelyn said she would take it late. This whole group presentations deal is retarded. No one really knows what the hell they are talking about. Mr. Kelly just sits there and does nothing. How about he taught us the review material instead of retarded students who don't know what they are doing, What the hell??? But whatever... i guess he doesn't care enough.

History quizes suck. We should just do a whole bunch of review stuff in class. Doesn't matter how much you study it is apperent you will fail. I will fail tomorrow, so will everyone else. It sucks.

Tests are about 2 weeks away. What the hell? When did time start moving so fast?? Just a few weeks ago I couldn't make time move. It just stayed there and tortured me every minute. I am worried about German. If I don't get that diploma I am going to burn Germany.

I am exhausted. I am tired. It takes a text message to make me happy. I am asking for too much. I love him too much. Is there thing as too much? No... I have checked my phone 3 hundred time in the past 30 minutes. That cannot be healthy. I hope he got all his stuff done.

Goodnight!
(10:30 PM)

Weird dream....

I keep seeing these weird dreams. Why are things that are unimportant occupying my mind?? I don't really know. I just heard a weird noise downstairs.. I am scared.

If I were to die... that's really really sad.

So today was hot. I had breakfast with Yuriy and Vitaly... that was nice. Today was really nice and hot. So Yuriy and I went to Emily's pool. I got brown. I am proud of my tan. It was nice talking to Emily, I am glad she sorted her stuff out:) I did too. Well, I am still in the progress. But relationships are about commitment and I am committed to making mine perfect:) It was nice talking to Emily. It was also very nice that I flashed everyone at the pool. Yeah, emberassing :/

The rest of my day... I watched Male Gigolo 2 Duece Bigolo?!?!?! I have no idea what the name of the movie is.... Hehe. But it was kinda funny. All I gotta say it was close to being an okay movie but that's about it.....

The night is not over. For now, I am sitting and chilling. I heard another noise I am scared:(

the night is just beginning

Well, right as I was thinking that... Tonight came to an end. Hehe:-) I have work tomorrow. I dunno what to wear? Something nice I guess. Hehe. Guess...

I am excited for life. I don't think I want to go clubbing tomorrow. It would be pointless because I have to pick up my parents at 11:00 PM. I do not want to drive back and forth. God, I freaking miss him.

Today was okay. I got sun burned. My shoulders are killing me. My arms are red. But it's okay. Tomorrow I will be browm. One good thing.... I do not peel or that would be gross. My sunburn turns to golden brown:) Hehe. I need to lay out in the sun tomorrow too. I am excited. I know he likes tan lines but I need to get rid of them before prom.

I need to find me a dress and a date:) Hehe.. J/P. hehe.

I need to lay down. But not fall asleep.

I got a 5 on my Bio IA. And I keep getting 5s on the IB Practice Tests we keep doing. I am pretty sure I will get a 5 on the test. And I am satisfied with that. Sucks that I got a 4 on my Math IA. It don't matter because I know the test will be fine. So there you go, I am fine with my SLs. Hmm, damn German .... Maybe I should be worried but I am not because I know I did well on my oral. Hehe. German oral... English oral... I didn't know it was that kind of an oral. Quite funny:-)

There is this show on TV, they make these ridicilous Yo Mama jokes. I cannot deny the fact that some of them are ridicilously funny. Like this one... Yo Mama is so poor I asked her where she lost her shoe and she said I just found this one:D Hahaha. You can't say that is not funny.

I cannot wait until Flavor of Love. I hate him. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.

I hate TV... I am kinda proud of myself that I do not watch it that often. Although it may come of as I do watch alot of TV. I am also proud of myself that I haven't read People, US weekly, In Touch, Enquirer, Life and Style for more then 3 weeks. I feel my brain cells have increased:) Conrad said to read fashion magazines though. He told me to look at Stuff Magazine as well so I believe I will not be taking his advise:)

You know what makes me super upset??? I hate it when my computer freezes and then my mouse stops working and when my computer unfreezes my mouse still doesnt work... It makes me pissed. So I have to restart just because my mouse goes nutso.

The artshow... absolutely amazing. I loved Megan's stuff. It was one of a kind and very original:) Her explanation of the bathroom was priceless she said that women seek privacy when they go to the restroom... It is not a place to just pee or whatever. It is more personal/private. Women go the restrrom to look at themselves, to fix their make up, to throw up; whether bulimic or just sick, they go the restroom to detach themselves from the society and take a moment to cry, they seek privacy and embrace their loneliness in the bathroom.... I love that. And it is so true:-(

I am exhausted man. Come lay with me until I fall asleep.....

Goodnight moon.

Today is the best day of my life...so far!!!!

Could it have been more perfect??? Noooo. Because it was truly perfect. Everything said and done meant the world. I really love him and today was our eleventh month:):) YAY.

Today was a good day to begin with. I saw him in the hallway completely by chance so it was meant to be:):) And my job is amazing. He makes everything so much better... He makes me smile... I am so happy... and...

He loves me too...

First day at work!

Guess is the shit!!!! My first day was amazing. I am so excited to work there. I got myself in some place where I feel like I can make something of. I mean I could really do this for a living. Not exactly this, but material things will always sell and I can be a part of making them. I would love to be a designer. That would be alot of fun. And my room is burning hot....First day was crazy amazing. I freaked out because I thought we were sold out of it but then we werent and then it was all good again. And then the night got even better because I saw his smiling face and then the whole world became my heaven and then I smiled too. I think that was a good summary of my day:-)

While I was driving home I realized that I haven't talked to Elif for a long time. I decided to give her a call, we talked for over an hour. It is nice to talk to her. She understands better now. I told her everything. She is happy for me. She wants me to go to school with her. But she is happy overall at least she is happy for me. Alot of people are having problems, I guess people always have had problems. I just never had any big problems with him, because he always made me so happy so I guess I just never realized how miserable other people's relationships were. Hehe. But I am not that sad anymore. Actually, I think I can proudly say I am not sad at all. How could I be sad when I have his heart? I am so so so happy. I know everything is going to be better. And then we are going to look back at this experience and smile at each other and learn from this and appreciate one another more then ever. God I love him so much and this is only the beginning.

Well I am exhausted. I want to take a nap but I really want him to call me and wake me up because I want to hear his voice and then I have to do some homework. I just want to tell him how much I miss him and stuff:)

He is still the only one...

The Day After Tomorrow

I do not understand what that means. It's like the end of the beginning. I don't get that neither. And another thing I do not get is why Christina won't go to prom??? I do not get that at all...

It is really nice to fall asleep with the one you love. I am privilaged enough to do it for 2 nights in a row!!!! Wow. I think I am the luckiest person alive that he is still right here. Could I love him more?? I think I could because he is so so so perfect. At least to me. Everything has been too good to be true. That's how he made me feel before as well. I always felt like I was in some fairy tale love story.

So the day after tomorrow will be Wednesday. Why would anyone say "hey, lets meet up the day after tomorrow" Why not just say "hey, let's meet Wednesday". I want some water. I used to buy Ethos water thinking they were getting clean water to children.. I was wrong. They only donate 5 cents from each bottle. How cruel?!?!?!

You know you care for a friend if you cry simply because they cry. Seeing someone hurt is the worse thing. I can deal with my pain but seeing people who are close to me hurt is painful. Saturday morning Emily came over and she was really sad. I just started crying. Reminded me of what I did to him. And how I made him sad and how I broke his heart. I hurt him really really bad. I do not deserve the oxygen God has provided all humanity with. Even though I do not deserve him, I will do anything in my power to show him that I can be worthy. I have so much faith in us and the future that we will have, I know that things will be better.

Saturday morning was amazing. Waking up next to him was amazing, and then breakfast... Sunday morning was amazing for all the same reasons. Well I should say reason. Since he is the only reason why everything is so good right now. How does he make me so happy when he is in so much pain, stress..!?!?!?!

I dont even know. Although prom is frustrating, I have faith. Christie is giving me an extension with my money stuff.... I can't believe $85 dollars. Money has no significance. I want to see him there. It hurts me to think...But I love him... I cant believe I fell asleep while writing a blog. Hehe.

Goodnight, I am going to back to sleep.

Longest Month of My Life

It's been exactly a month. Longest month of my life. We went through alot... Blows my mind away... I can't believe I still breathe without him. But I am still here and thank God he is still here too. I can't help say, what a month?!?!?!?!

Smile For Me!!!

I will do anything for you. Hehe. Smiling is one of my favorite things to do now. I smile to everything. I laugh at everything. I look at the world smiling. I got Crest Whitestrips because I smile so much. Hehe. I want to smile at the world with white teeth:) I love him. I know we will make it through this. It's like this. When we used to drive together, all the red lights would turn green. They would all turn green because our love was so strong. Our way was always clear and open. So there you go. Now, our love will help us get through the hard times.... in other words we will always hit all the green lights:)

What happened? I don't quite know...

It has been couple days since my last entry. I am kinda tired. Tired of life, school, people, myself. I don't know. I wish I could be this big bear and go into hibernation. It would be nice to wait until everything cooled down. I am under alot of stress yet at the same time I don't give a shit. The only thing I care for is him. Nothing else... I can't live this way. It sucks. But I have to hold on, even if that means I have to hold on by myself. I dont wanna hurt him. I have to let him go. At least for now. So at least he can get some space from me. Because no one else cares enough to give him space. Everyone constantly pressuring him, constantly on his case. Judging and gossiping about every decision he makes. I don't get it. He would have never wanted this to happen. He never wanted us to be separate. But oh well. I guess this is good for him. I am falling apart because I am weak but he is hanging on tighter because he is strong. He is going places. Without me, he has more potential to be happy and successful. I don't know how I held him back. I thought we were good for each other. I guess I was mistaken. I have so much love and care for him. I am just sitting here and waiting for him to realize that I will always be sitting here and waiting and loving him. It's like the whole world is against. us. Why? I don't understnad. But, this is just a test. We are being tested. Our love is being tested. And I have so much hope that we will pass the test.