I DUNNO...

Today I went to English 5 minutes late as usual. She hates me. We had our essay on Love Medicine. I didn't read the book. I didn't even buy the book. So I wrote her this 2 page note on how I feel lost and I didn't read the book although I had all the time in the world to do it so. Instead I told her I read other books I have been wanting to read.And I told her it felt good to do so.

I feel lost really. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so alone. I just simply don't know anything. I thought that I could make this all better. I want to. But I don't believe in myself enough. I don't know. I have no clue. I should be happy. After this week, I'm practically done with school. I don't care though. So what's gonna happen after this week??? I am going to have nothing to occupy myself with. No school, no work, no boyfriend... Whatever. It doesnt even matter anymore. I feel like I am going back to the way I used to be. Kind of closed in myself. Maybe I should be like that. Before I didn't hurt anyone in my life. Other people hurt me. But this time I hurt somebody. Probably the first person who I really hurt. He was the only person who cared enough. I dunno why I fucked up. People constantly fucked up towards me. I should know better to not fuck up and to make him happy. It's too late. I feel like nothing is ever going to feel right. So what's going to happen if he gets back with me? If it happened right now, I would think it's because of pity. I thought that all you needed was love, but that's not enough I guess. I have all the love in the world. But that's not enough. I have all the care in the world for him. But again, that's not enough. Why is it not enough? I know why, I'm just in great denial. I guess I'm still so focused on myself. I think that it's all going to be better. It hits me time to time that it is over. And then I get so much hope and then it hits me again. It's like something pushes me down and brings me back up. It's ridicilous. I need something stable in my life right now. I feel like I have nothing. I should be grateful that I can still sleep in his arms and he can kiss the back of my neck with his sweetest touch. I still smell like him. Even though he is not here right now, I can feel him. I'm so in love.

I haven't really tried to fix anything. I don't know how to go about it. I have no idea. Like I said, I don't know anything. Wow, this just popped in my head. Valentine's day was sweet. That was the first time I had a Valentine. And then this year was the first time I had a date to homecoming. CRAZY. He was my first at alot of things. I don't know what to do to fix stuff. I have no clue. What should I do? I guess if we were to be apart for a little bit, I can figure things out. And then maybe things will fall into their right place. Whatever that right place might be...

Last night I was thinking.... maybe I just loved at an early age. I wasn't ready for him yet. I wasn't ready for this. I don't know how to deal with my love. It was just too early for me to feel this way. That's why I feel so lost and alone and all my emotions and feelings are in this pot, boiling. Where I am today is not good for me. But I can't regret that it happened. That's the last thing I will ever think. We just werent ready for each other yet. Maybe if I were to meet him when I was like 25...things could be different I would have married him the day I met him. It seems like I was made for him. Just simple things with him feel right. When I hug him we just naturally fall into each others arms. When we kiss. It still gives me the tingles or it gave me the tingles even after ten months. Everything with him felt right.

A friend of mine told me to write down all my feelings. She said "write about everything you feel". I think I have been doing that alot. I have these pages and pages of stuff that I have been writing. Otherwise I would be crying everyday. I dont cry that much anymore. I guess writing my feelings down helps.

Today, Chris was sad. I love her. But my love for her isn't enough. I guess I can see how she feels. I can't say we are on the same boat, but I can understand what she is going through.

Life is frustrating. I feel like I have no power over anything. I used to take control. I guess with this now I have to take some responsibility and control and then I may be able to fix this. I have to make this better. I know we can both be happy if I fix this.

I have my German oral tomorrow. I haven't even started it. I should be freaking out. But I am not. I don't know, I think I can do okay. What's the point of frustrating myself over something that has no significance in my life in the long run.I have my court at the same time I have my oral. I think that's going to be complicated to accomplish. But I will figure something out. I'm not worried.

I should go to the gym but I don't think I have enough time. I gained 4 pounds. I need to watch what I am eating.

I know that him and I will make it through somehow. I just won't let us leave things that way. I still have hope and I still love just as much.