A little advice from a friend

Hmm, friends...

Before I write about my recovery, I have been pondering the word "friend". Who are these friends we talk about? What purpose do they serve? Do they serve a purpose at all? I don't know. Unable to answer any of the previous questions nor pin point my friends, tell you their names, or tell you anything about them at all, boggles my mind. I guess they are the people I hang out with but do they matter? If something were to happen to them, would I, more than a year (at most I'd say) worry or think about them. While they were in the hospital or recovering, would I give a shit. It's not like it's me who is going through the pain, agony, depression, whatever it may be. I guess deep down inside, I would feel as if I do every day and live as I do like I did the day before and the one before that.

I strove and continue to strive to be so nice to every single person I know and meet. I am the nice girl at least that's how everyone refers to me as. I guess it was the way I was brought up. I read a book a while back that relates to my upbringing, the protagonist's caretaker would say, "if what you gonna say ain't nice, don't say it all". So, I have kept rude comments that come to my mind to myself for 21 years, then I realized the so called rude comments were not rude at all, they were to protect my identity, my authority, my belongings, myself from being taken advantage of. Why am I so nice? Because I keep quite in a situation a normal person would respond negatively towards. So people tell me I am nice because I let them walk all over me. I am 21 years old and I do not remember a single moment in my whole life where I stood up for myself, where I had enough self respect to say something whatever it may be rude or nice, I failed to protect me, the most important person in my life; me I always put second in the list of importance.

So now, in recovery, I am even closer to identifying my friends. A few there is, I can count with maybe one hand, maybe even less, again, I give people more credit than they deserve. I learned in the past month and confirmed in the past week that people I treated like family were not my family at all, they were not even good friends, they were just acquaintances. I like that term a whole lot better. Those are the people we need in our lives. You can have as many as you like, you don't expect much from them, same goes for them. You are extremely polite to each other. You never get too comfortable around them, you don't share as much with them. There is always a good distance between you and them. There is never too much vulnerability. You are never too exposed.

An acquaintance told me to write more, so one day I can look back at my recovery and learn something from it not relive it. This is what I am learning, as I lay in bed, read my books, wait for my boyfriend to come home, I am learning to take care of me. The only person who can do that is me not my "friends" because they don't give a shit. However, would I, maybe so but maybe not. I hope to look back at this when I am all better, soon enough the time will come, and remember I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to have a little self respect and have me at the top of list of importance.

physical (not emotional)

The little life experience I have had, I do not recall feeling physical pain. Except on various occasions my broken heart caused uncontrollable throbbing of my insides or the salt from my tears stung my cheeks; oh how it burned to blink with those swollen eyes.

I have never had a broken arm or a leg, never sprained an ankle. Never endured such a recovery where everyday tasks suddenly become difficult and the sick feels less capable.

Last night, I tried sleeping on my left side then my right, thinking that I should do my spine justice by trying to keep my actions even. I woke up at 6:00AM and laid in bed until 11:00AM, on my back. I suddenly gave up. Today, or at least this morning, I am not going to be comfortable. Whatever position I am in, I feel pain. The pain I have never felt before, of having a broken bone not just one but two and getting accustomed to the foreign material I have instead of irregular bone that makes up my spine. Having a crushed T11 and torn ligaments, having faced paralysis, too much for a newbie.