Yet another cup of coffee...

I feel bubbly today. I mean not crazy happy but I feel happy. After all we've been through together it would be such a shame not to be happy. I don't know if that makes any sense. The thing with me is that I speak before I think. I say stuff as they come to me. And each time they do not come out right. I hate the way things turned out. I think I need to work on my communication skills. It is important to be able to speak well. And I don't do that so well right now.

I wish I could write better. But I have been so neglected... I don't know if that is an excuse. It's already Saturday. Wow, how crazy is that. Whole spring break...already over. I didn't do much. I wish I went somewhere to clear my head, before IB tests. Renting a cabin whould have been nice. Oh well, next year. It's never too late.. we can always do that next year.

I'm really excited about Turkey. It will suck being away for too long. But I am excited to come back and see my lovely friends. I want to do something after I get back. Not seeing him for that long will be torture. But it will be that much nicer when I actually "fall into" his arms. Hehe.

What an amazing date :-)

I want to go sleep. I'm way too jumpy for one in the morning....

Friday morning

I woke up this morning and realized that I am exhausted. I could not move. I was forced out of bed. I went to work and then I called in sick, I should have called in sick before I went down there. Hehe, I am just a little slow. I ditched work today. And I don't really care. I'm almost done. I'm almost done. Sweet.

So I start at Guess? on Monday. I'm excited. There is these shoes I like and I'm going to buy them on Monday with my 50% discount. And that will be the last material thing I will buy until the summer. Well but I do need to buy a prom dress. So those two things will be the end to my shopping days.

I miss him. I'm sad cuz he is sad. I just want him to be happy. I'm the one who can make him happy. And I will. I know I will cuz I love him too much to watch him be hurt like that. And it's all my fault... He doesn't leave things half done like that.... He is different.

Christie asked George to prom. It was a really cute way too. Hehe. She is a clever one.

English oral is going to be a bitch. I will be working on it the whole day. I'm filing out scholarships tonight before 12:00. It's going to suck. I'm doing homework the whole day tomorow and sunday. Anyways I have a whole bunch of errands to run, I want to take nap, but there isn't enough time to do everything. I have a date tonight:)

Coffee at Starbucks

I went to work, came home, ate, threw up!?!?!?!, did taxes, went to costco, went to gym, went to starbucks to meet up with Emilia, cried with Emily, ran into all her friends... went to this really lame party. Left the really lame party and saw my nanny. She is really sick. I came home and I talked to my mom and my dad. And then he came...

Yes, I talked to him. I knew I was going to feel better... I feel better. Everything is going to be better. I told him evertyhing I have thought about today and he listened. It was wonderful and amazing. We are going to be better. I'm thankful.

WTF?

I thought alot today, tonight. I came up with solid ideas and thoughts. I wrote them all down. I want to say them and get it over with.

You see, that is the difference between a girl and a guy. When a girl thinks she actually comes up with shit to say. Unfortunately, a guy can't get nowhere with his thoughts. I have been stuck in this place for almost a month. It's been shitty. I have tried taking time off, I have tried crying, whining, begging, making pointless, meaningless promises.... they meant alot to me but not to him.... But now I have solid suggestions.... Solid questions. I don't see myself stuck here anymore. Once you have hit rock bottom the only way is up... I know I can't go any lower. So, something good has to come of it. But if nothing happens.... nothing happens... if something happens then it happens. I guess it was meant for us to be this way. I have always thought that you make your future. You can't let things be. You have to push in order to get something out of it. But it seems like right now, he doesn't want to push... You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Relationships are about compromises... I'm willing to put in my best effort, but I also realize one person can't make that difference. If he is not willing to do anything, we are still going to be stuck here. So I need to talk to him....

Sitting, Waiting

I'm just sitting, waiting, and wishing until you come back so I can give you everything I have.

Hello Stranger

Alyse: I don't eat fish.
Dan: Why?
Alyse: Cuz fish piss in the sea.
Dan: Little children piss in the sea.
Alyse: I don't eat children.

So I have been thinking. Chris and I have been thinking... about sad movies and sad art. (we have been watching sad movies... so that triggers sad art?) As brought up in the movie Closer when people look at sad art they think of its beauty, not necesserily how sad it is, ot how the person felt when they did that. I don't know if it makes any sense but we can call that beautiful and appreciate it... when it may not even be appreciated by its maker. So after all it adds up to being a lie and its just all fake....

I have been replaced. But whatever. I don't want to talk about it. I have plenty going through my mind. I don't really want to talk about anything. I don't want to write about anything. I hate this. I am being stupid. I'm drowning in my emotions. There isn't really much left to say. There is plenty to do.

Alyse: I don't see this love you are talking about. I don't feel it, I don't sense it. Its just a bunch of words...
Dan: But I love you, don't do this to us...
Alyse: I don't love you anymore, it's over.
Dan: When did you stop loving me.
Alyse: Just now.

I don't believe this could ever happen. If you love someone and have great care for them you will always have those feelings. Feelings don't just fade away.

I really like the movie Closer. Relationships based on lies and games are not my thing. I don't like liars. I hate when I am being lied to. Why did Alyse have to lie, why did Anna lie, why did Dan have to cheat? I don't get it. Why ruin something so perfect and special? I guess I want reasons for such things because I want that temporary relief. When you think you have a reason for something, your heart rests for a little bit. You think everything is fixed and you think you feel better because you now have a fucking reason. But guess what?? It's nothing but temporary relief. In order to fix things you don't need reasons. Reasons don't justify anything. There is a greater level of something. It's not to have a reason for doing something bad. I don't know. Too many things. I have drowned myself in my thoughts.

When you think that you have lost all connection with somebody from the past and they write you a message... I can't describe my feelings right now. To think that I met her in 4th grade. Wow. I don't know what to say. People go different ways. I miss her. Where is she now? Why so far away? I'm so confused. Why don't I have someone to hold?? I don't get it. Do I deserve to be alone? I feel alone. I know I am not. But I feel alone.People get what they deserve and I know I deserve this....

Goodnight.

I have hope.

I don't really know how to express my thoughts. I have been thinking alot. I like where I am but unfortunately I don't like where I stand with him. But I have hope. I know that we will be ok. I'm grateful that he is still in my life. So the last time I actually spoke to him was thursday. So Friday passed by without him, Saturday, and then Sunday... I was going to die today if he hadn't called me. I don't think I'm going to sleep anytime soon due to the reason that I drank too much coffee today. I don't even drink that much coffee unless I am with Chris:) I love him. I miss him. I want him back. Wow. I'm really straight forward.

I always had trouble with what I wanted from life. Because of that I was never happy with what I had. As of this moment, I couldn't be more sure of what I want from life. I want to be with him and make him happy. I know that there is a good me, inside all the mess. I know I need some time to think, read, sleep, dream, cry, laugh... I have been doing that for the past 2 weeks. And I can do that for a life time. I know that I can still do all the stuff that make me me with him as well. This long, extended break made me stronger. I know it is a bad way to realize that you need to show someone you love them, and care for them, and you shouldn't hurt them cuz they are the best thing that ever happened to you. But I have been trying to be optimistic so I am going to say something pathetic.. it is better late than never. I am glad that I realized it. Although it hasn't been long, I'm ready to wait as long as I have to.

So this is a question to my gang... Should I live with Emily in college? I mean I have known her since 7th grade. We are like sisters. Do you think it will jeopordize our friendship? Anyways. I am being random.

40% sale at Express. GO TO IT.

Today's blog is not going to be long. I have so much going through my mind. I'm going to be sitting, wishing, waiting and changing cuz I still have hope.

Without pain there is no compassion...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"How happy is the blameless vestals lot. The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each prayer accepted and each wish resigned."

Pope Alexander

Quotes of my day.

I watched movies all day. It was nice to just sit at home and relax. This is the 100th time I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A Walk To Remember was the saddest movie I have ever seen. Yep. Thats pretty much it.

I really like those quotes. Hmm this is a good song.

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Today was a mystery.

I am heart broken. There is no other way to describe what I feel. I am just simply heart broken. I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. I don't want him to call me or text me. And I didn't want to see him. I don't want to see him unless he wants to face us, I don't want to talk to him unless he knows what he is going to say, I don't want him to text me unless he is going to say, "hey, let's talk about us". I know it is hard. I know it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but this is what I need. I have to do this.

Why? Why did he have to go there when I was there? Why did I have to see him. I was doing good today. And then my whole world came crashing down, again. I don't know why??? I don't understand. I need to be away and alone. I can't deal with this otherwise. I was doing ok. I can't handle seeing him like that. So cute and with another. Why? I am in pain. My body ached because I was in shock. I stopped with all my might and just stared at him. I couldn't help but look at him in shock. My hands held onto the wheel so tight. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do! Should I be happy because I saw him, or should I be sad because he was with another? I don't know. Should I be angry? Angry at what? I don't know. I don't know.

I wanted to get out of the car and go to him. I wanted to hug him because I haven't seen him in two days. I wanted to ask him how he was doing. But I couldn't even wave at him or smile. I didn't know what to do... Why did I have to see him? I didn't want to see him. I don't want to see him. it's just so hard. I can't. I don't know what to do. Why am I hurting so bad? I don't know how I drove back to the hookah bar. I don't remember. I was so sad. All I could think about was.... he is going to watch movies all night with her. Once I got there, I didnt want to be there to begin with. I drove back to Aurora.

I went over to Chris'. She held me. I cried and she cried. And we cried together. This is the biggest loss of my life. Knowing that he is right there and not being with him is the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I still love him. Did he go to her because he misses me? I don't know. I cannot imagine filling his place with anyone else. Did he go t o her because he stopped missing me? I love him so much. Why did he go after her? Why didn't he come by my car? I don't know. Did he want to? I don't know anything anymore. I miss him so much. Does he, too? But, I don't know.

My imperfect world was focused around him. Now, my imperfect world is so focused around my imperfect self. I don't know where this is going. But with each day, I have less hope. But loss of hope doesn't mean I love him less. I guess in my case loss of hope means I am letting him go. I do want him to be happy after all. Even if that means, I will never have him again. I had my amazing, imperfect, flawless, frustrating, happy, sad, ten month relationship. I loved it, too. I don't know. Did he try to take back his love? He said he didnt know what it meant. I wish that he didn't talk to me after we broke up. Some things he said were really hurtful.

I don't know. I don't know much. I hate my bed. I hate my room. I hate everything. Why is he not with me right now. He is with her. I don't know. Why am I writing this? I don't even know why. I miss him. I missed him the whole day today. I missed him the whole day yesterday. I missed him alot the day before too. And I know I will miss him tomorrow.

Is he sleeping right now? I wonder what he is up to? I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I don't think he did. If he did... Things would be different. I think that since now I am not in his life, he is happier? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe he is. He looked really good today for another. He always did that for me. But tonight was different. He did that for someone else. Has he left us? Maybe. I don't know.

I think this is how I feel... I don't know though. I didn't listen to this song the whole day. But then I saw him. And my body started to shake.

Can't walk down the street
Can't sit in my room
Can't close my eyes
Without thinking of you
Can't smell a rose
Can't look at the moon
Can't take a breath
Without missing you
It's such a beautiful thing
But it doesn't make sense
Without you babe
If I could I would make you love me
If I could I would leave this place
I'm the one who could make you happy
I try so hard but I can't walk away
Why can't you be here
Why did you leave
Is it my fault
You don't love me
Why do I cry
Why don't you call
Why does it seem
You don't care at all
You don't feel a thing
I don't understand
Why I need you babe

Ok. I dont know. I wouldn't know what to say if he called. But deep inside I still want him to. Deep inside I want to see his face. But I will freeze up again. Why is he doing this to me? I guess I deserve to hurt so so bad. I guess I did mess up so so bad. But can I please fix it?

I wonder if he is still with her? Why does it matter? None of my business. I'm not his anymore. I want to text him or call him really bad. But I can't. I am way stronger than that.

Goodnight.

I hope you liked all the movies you watched with her. My night was decent. I guess this blog is dedicated to you too. Just like how I am so dedicated to you. I wanted to throw away your roses today. I was just going to keep one and I couldn't chose one. All of them head dried up and died. So fragile and weak. Kind of like me. I picked one up of the whole bunch. One rose to remember that night. Not that I could ever forget any night or day we had together. It is 4:00 am.

I still do have hope although it may be less. I don't know yet.

Goodnight.

Beside you in time...

Last night was interesting. I love Chris. She is my soulmate. I'm done with everything for Biology. I did so bad on my last biology lab. What can you do? I'm on top of most things. I'm going to rock my German oral... Dr. Lane is sort of lame. She would always tell me how I am going to fail my IB exams but now she is all like "Dicle, are you okay?? You are going to do so well on your oral." Ok. People are bipolar.

Chris and I went to buy scratch cards this morning. We spent a total of 7 dollars and only won 2 dollars. Where is the profit in this? We got more frustrated. She wrote me this note. I have read it over and over and it keeps getting funnier and funnier. History was going to be lame. I didn't go. What's the point?? I hung out with Chris and watched Flavor Flaaavvv!!! What the hell with these reality shows? They have gotten out of control. I don't think Flavor Flav knows the names of the women who love him. He calls them by random names like New York and Hoopz and such. It is interesting. We watched an episode where this black girl and this white girl got into a fight. The black girl really kicked the white girl's ass. All the reasons I will never pick a fight with a black girl. Oh that reminds me I wanted to check who got selected... New York is nasty, her boobs sag to her saggy belly. Gross.

Food is good. Lunch was amazing today. We stuffed our faces in food. I want to come home for lunch everyday now.

Biology was a drag today. I love Mrs. Bruskivage. She is a nice person, and she is not that bad of a teacher anymore. I think it's just I refuse to tune into what she is saying. She is a good teacher I am just a bad student. I have a 0 for a 65 point test and I still have a 76% in the class. Knowing that even if I didn't take the test I can still pass the class. That feels good.

I drank two double shots, one cup of coffee and I drank some tea in English. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep for 3 days with all that caffeine in my body. But when I got home from school I laid on my bed and I passed out. I was out like a light.

I went to Chili's. I ate good food. I'm so privilaged. I want to feed every hungry child in the world. If a genie came and granted me three wishes one of them would be to feed hungry children. I don't know about the other two. I would love to get rid of AIDS. It is killing alot of people in Africa. It seems to me like if we were to solve the issue with hunger and disease in Africa, they could catch up to this industrial time with us and Europe. Africa has been dying to benefit from this era.

Today nothing exciting happened. Emily called me like 12:00 at night and she wanted me to go over there. So, I begged my mommy and got the car and went to see her. We went to Starbucks and talked, it was nice. KS 107.5 gets lame after midnight. They played crap music. God, I love coffee. Its so bad for me.

I just remembered, my cousin wanted to hang out with me today. Bummer, he didn't call me to remind me.

I feel bad. I have to say my apoligies to Maria. It was just too late I didn't want to call your house. That is one reason you need a cell phone.

Emily's orange chicken crazes are driving me nuts. She is addicted to Hookah and orange chicken. I think she would be really happy if they made orange chicken flavored hookah.

Jeez, it is almost 3:00. I have to be up in less then 2 hours:)

I can't live without my phone. Right now it is dying. And I can't charge it because I left my charger at Chris' house. That really sucks. I don't know how I am going to make it through work. How dependent I am on a piece of crap electronic? I should be ashamed.

Goodnight to you too.

There is nothing else I can do....

It feels like there is nothing left for me to do. I told him how I feel and what I want... and if time tells all... maybe then. But right now, nothing feels right. He doesn't want it. I can't push myself and my love on him. I am withdrawing myself. Maybe then...time will heal us.

I still have hope...and maybe one day....

Cadavour

I was really excited about dinner tonight. My mom was in a really good mood and she was making all my favorite foods. She cooks amazing when she is in a good mood. So I was really sad when I missed dinner :( Anyways though it's ok. Cadavour was so worth it. I had never seen a uterus before, so it was cool to see how things are down there. It's so freaking tiny. How the hell a baby gets in there? I don't even know. It was crazy, we saw all these muscles. She was really healthy. Although she was a smoker she didn't have major lung defects. I think she died of heart disease. 1 in 2 women die of heart disease. It is the number one cause of death. That's sad to know. 2nd major cause of death is cancer. It is in order of breast, lung, and colon cancer. Colon cancer is the easiest to detect and get rid of, so once you hit 50, you should get it checked once a year. Breast cancer is huge in women but since more women smoke, lung cancer is about to be the leading cause of death when it comes to cancer. My mom had a bening tumor in her breast when she was 24. I should check myself for breast cancer too. I sure don't want my boobs gone:) All of a sudden things got weird and we started talking about sex and STDs. So i learned alot of new stuff about chlamydia and crabs and herpes and such. This girl's both parents have herpes. Weird, how people could be so open about that kind of stuff.

We talked about the brain and the doctor told us about how a man's brain has this thing that is smaller comparing it to a woman. I'm frustrated, I forgot what it's called. But if I saw a diagram I could point it out. Anyways, so Chris and I have this theory because of that missing link, boys are so different and they cant make certain connections. I think we are right. Stupid boys and their different brains.

So I did something today. I bought cigarettes for my father. It was crazy. I have never done that before. Obviously. Its not a big deal but it's just interesting cuz I have never done that before. I guess there is a first for everything. I hate smoking, and I hate smokers. It is the most unattractive thing a person can do. It's worse than burping. And I hate burping.

Christie and I are going to do this cleaning-out-your-system-diet. We are excited. You eat nothing but fiber (of course you have to drink water) for 48 hours and that cleans all the toxins in your body, cleans your intestines and everything. I'm excited. Yay, I have to go buy apples. Apples are 50% fiber. And thats alot of fiber. The doctor okayed it and he said it was a good idea. Celebrities pay a whole bunch of money to get their intestines cleaned. But we are gonna go the natural way.

I went to the gym. I saw him there. It was good. I thought I wouldn't see him the whole day. So I guess when you think of the worse thing that could happen and something good happens, it makes you happy. From now on I'm going to work out everyday. Ever other day I will be working out with Christie and the days I don't work out with her I will go work out with him. I'm excited for that.

I am excited for tonight. I will be up all night doing work. I'm not even half tired. Today was once in a lifetime experience for me. It was very interesting. For sure, this time I learned alot more. I missed him, but I'm looking forward to the future. Emily just got accepted to CU-Boulder. She wants to go really bad. Yay, we are going to go to college together.

Now, I have to get to work. I have to write and memorize my German oral, write my Philosophy IA, study for my Bio test, finish up my History, study for my History test, and something else that I am forgetting.

So I better get to work.

I DUNNO...

Today I went to English 5 minutes late as usual. She hates me. We had our essay on Love Medicine. I didn't read the book. I didn't even buy the book. So I wrote her this 2 page note on how I feel lost and I didn't read the book although I had all the time in the world to do it so. Instead I told her I read other books I have been wanting to read.And I told her it felt good to do so.

I feel lost really. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so alone. I just simply don't know anything. I thought that I could make this all better. I want to. But I don't believe in myself enough. I don't know. I have no clue. I should be happy. After this week, I'm practically done with school. I don't care though. So what's gonna happen after this week??? I am going to have nothing to occupy myself with. No school, no work, no boyfriend... Whatever. It doesnt even matter anymore. I feel like I am going back to the way I used to be. Kind of closed in myself. Maybe I should be like that. Before I didn't hurt anyone in my life. Other people hurt me. But this time I hurt somebody. Probably the first person who I really hurt. He was the only person who cared enough. I dunno why I fucked up. People constantly fucked up towards me. I should know better to not fuck up and to make him happy. It's too late. I feel like nothing is ever going to feel right. So what's going to happen if he gets back with me? If it happened right now, I would think it's because of pity. I thought that all you needed was love, but that's not enough I guess. I have all the love in the world. But that's not enough. I have all the care in the world for him. But again, that's not enough. Why is it not enough? I know why, I'm just in great denial. I guess I'm still so focused on myself. I think that it's all going to be better. It hits me time to time that it is over. And then I get so much hope and then it hits me again. It's like something pushes me down and brings me back up. It's ridicilous. I need something stable in my life right now. I feel like I have nothing. I should be grateful that I can still sleep in his arms and he can kiss the back of my neck with his sweetest touch. I still smell like him. Even though he is not here right now, I can feel him. I'm so in love.

I haven't really tried to fix anything. I don't know how to go about it. I have no idea. Like I said, I don't know anything. Wow, this just popped in my head. Valentine's day was sweet. That was the first time I had a Valentine. And then this year was the first time I had a date to homecoming. CRAZY. He was my first at alot of things. I don't know what to do to fix stuff. I have no clue. What should I do? I guess if we were to be apart for a little bit, I can figure things out. And then maybe things will fall into their right place. Whatever that right place might be...

Last night I was thinking.... maybe I just loved at an early age. I wasn't ready for him yet. I wasn't ready for this. I don't know how to deal with my love. It was just too early for me to feel this way. That's why I feel so lost and alone and all my emotions and feelings are in this pot, boiling. Where I am today is not good for me. But I can't regret that it happened. That's the last thing I will ever think. We just werent ready for each other yet. Maybe if I were to meet him when I was like 25...things could be different I would have married him the day I met him. It seems like I was made for him. Just simple things with him feel right. When I hug him we just naturally fall into each others arms. When we kiss. It still gives me the tingles or it gave me the tingles even after ten months. Everything with him felt right.

A friend of mine told me to write down all my feelings. She said "write about everything you feel". I think I have been doing that alot. I have these pages and pages of stuff that I have been writing. Otherwise I would be crying everyday. I dont cry that much anymore. I guess writing my feelings down helps.

Today, Chris was sad. I love her. But my love for her isn't enough. I guess I can see how she feels. I can't say we are on the same boat, but I can understand what she is going through.

Life is frustrating. I feel like I have no power over anything. I used to take control. I guess with this now I have to take some responsibility and control and then I may be able to fix this. I have to make this better. I know we can both be happy if I fix this.

I have my German oral tomorrow. I haven't even started it. I should be freaking out. But I am not. I don't know, I think I can do okay. What's the point of frustrating myself over something that has no significance in my life in the long run.I have my court at the same time I have my oral. I think that's going to be complicated to accomplish. But I will figure something out. I'm not worried.

I should go to the gym but I don't think I have enough time. I gained 4 pounds. I need to watch what I am eating.

I know that him and I will make it through somehow. I just won't let us leave things that way. I still have hope and I still love just as much.

Colors are brighter when you are near

I feel so lonely. I used to enjoy my Dicle time but now, not anymore. I feel like I'm sick of Dicle time. I don't want to be alone anymore. But it's fine. I am dealing with it just fine.

I learned something new today. If you can't love yourself you can't love anybody else. I have heard that before many many times. But I never really thought about it. I think I finally love myself. I feel like I am a good person. He came into my life and fixed my fucked up self. It would be a shame for me to say I am miserable. I am what I am because of him. I have become better even though I have failed to do the same thing for him. It is such a shame. I feel like I didn't have a chance to show him how great things could be. But I am happy. He made me happy. He still makes me happy. I can't say I don't cry or I don't miss him. I miss and love him plenty but I am happy he came into my life and I had him for ten months....ten amazing months. There are no words to describe how I feel so why bother trying.

I have so much belief and trust in us. I strongly believe I can fix this situation. Nothing is impossible. I believe that one day everything will feel right again. Him and I wont have to supress our love for each other. It will feel right to kiss again. And I know it will be a good kiss, amazing kiss. Over the past week our relationship has changed. I know we needed this. It seems like I am so fixed on what I want, which is to be with him but maybe this separation is good for us. I know that when or if we get back together our relationship will be that much stronger. I hate saying this but I like the pain I am dealing with. It shows me how much I care for him. I can't just brush this off. I love him. I can't just get over this, or deal with it. I can't fill in his space with anything. And I like that. I feel confident. I feel like I'm embracing everything that life has to throw my way. I am happy.

I am excited for the summer. Its going to be crazy. Not to mention I am going to miss him so much. Turkey would be so much more fun with him near. Colors are brighter when he is near....but it will still be alot of fun. College will be amazing too. I am excited.

I love driving in the snow. The thought of me losing control of the car really amazes me. I guess I want that loss of control. I want things to catch me off guard. I am always so sick of planning things. I think to myself and I am always thinking in terms of future. I guess I should only think of today and today only. My life would be easier to deal with. Not that my life isn't easy. I think I make things simple. I hate drama, I hate complications. I try to avoid them. The more I try to avoid them the more they find me. I guess I need to get used to life. Life is tough. You just have to learn how to deal with it.

I was watching Friends earlier. I had never seen this episode. They were talking about their "Lucky Number" (how many people they have been). My "lucky number" is 1. Everyone else fits in my "unlucky number". I mean why call it the "lucky number" to begin with. There is nothing lucky about it. There is only 1 person who ever loved me, cared for me, treated me like a lady. wow. The more I say stuff like this, the stupider I feel. I made all of that go away. But I have enough confidence in my love that I will fix his broken heart.

I didn't just break his heart, I broke my heart too. He didn't do that, I did it to myself. It sounds ridicilous. But that's true. I always go fuck up stuff. I'm done doing that from now. I learned something from this experience. I learned that my girlfriends will always, no matter what, will stick by my side. It feels good to know that. I love that they are right here. I can rely on every single one of them. I love them. Past week I have felt a ray of emotions. I have learned to show that I love. I think I love myself. I went from sad to angry to frustrated to depressed to relaxed and such.... I still have alot of hope. I don't think my hope is ever gonna go away.

I know Trent has loved before. He writes his songs for my love as well.

the farther I fall I'm beside you

as lost as I get I will find you

the deeper the wound I'm inside you

for ever and ever I'm a part of

you and me

we're in this together now

none of them can stop us now

we will make it through somehow

you and me

if the world should break in two

until the very end of me

until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on

when all our hope is gone we have to hold on

Do you guys take money order?

Nowhere takes money orders. What the hell? It was frustrating today. And what is up with gas station workers and them having no clue about their surroundings. To know the town pretty well should be their job requirement. People usually stop at a gas station to ask for directions... Well I stopped at three (3) gas stations and none knew where Panda Express was. Emily had one of her orange chicken crazes. Interesting morning.

all I do

I can still feel you

numb all through

I can still feel you

hear your call

underneath it all

kill my brain

yet you still remain

crucified

after all I've died

after all I've tried

you are still inside

all I do

I can still feel you

you remain

I am stained

Great lyrics.

This is how I feel. I want to kiss him. I need him. I want to hold him and never let go. I miss the feeling of his lips agaisnt mine. I want to support him through this. But I'm just making things harder. I'm putting him under more pain. I'm pushing him over the edge. He doesnt deserve it. I want to make him happy. But it's hard when I am hurting so bad. I think about him all the time. But it especially hits me at night. It's so hard to fall asleep. It's so hard to stop crying. But when he is there...It's the best thing to fall a sleep in his arms and his simple brush against my back makes me happy. He makes the pain go away. However, I still cry because I hurt him, he is so amazing and I miss him. I miss him so much.

Last night.... What I would do to kiss him. I was in his arms where I belong. I belong with him. Its so hard. It is never going to get easier. As time passes I miss him more and more. I want to be with him more and more. Whatever I may do to distract myself doesn't even work. I can't distract myself from the pain. He is not in my life the way he used to be. I should be happy that he is in my life but I just want him back. I'm selfish and stupid. I need him. I need to be with him. I need to be in his arms, kissing him, hugging him... But I deserve this. God, I deserve this big time. I deserve this. I don't know what to do. Talking about it doesn't do anything. It just makes me more sad. And I bet it makes him miserable. Why is it too late? But it's fine. I respect what he has to do. It's just something he has to do.

Looking into his watery eyes and hearing his heart beat and his arms around me... seeing him so hurt... I don't even know how to finish that sentence. There are no words to describe how I feel when I see him like that. I broke his heart and when he lets me, I will do anything to fix it.

It's the hardest when he says he has to go. It's the best to hear him say "come here, don't leave, stay with me". I cant even describe how bad I want to go over there. Even if it is for fifteen minutes or even one minute, I want to see him. I love him.

I cry because I hurt him. I don't cry because I am hurting. My pain is well deserved. I cry for him. Right now, I'm listening to this song. I remember we were listening to it in his car, parked in "the park" and we were sitting in the back seat and I kept making him go back to that track and then I fell a sleep on his lap. That night was the first night where I was home really late. But it didn't matter. Everything felt so right. But now, nothing feels right. Everything is out of order. It will take a long time for things to feel right again.

I just wish I met him later in my life. It took me too long to recognize his perfection. It was too late when I realized. He was already tired of pushing us. If I had met him later in my life, I would have recognized how amazing he was right away because I would have been hurt so much. I make bad decisions. I don't know how I let him slip away. I should have made him really happy. I always loved him. I just didn't show it to him. I was so happy with every little thing he did but I just didn't show my happiness. I don't know why. I guess I was afraid besides being stupid.

Over the past couple days I have thought a long time about everything that I did. I was so stupid. I had him fully and then I caused him to leave me. I don't know why. But thinking has helped me figure out how. I don't know why I would want somebody who is so amazing out of my life. But I forced him to give up, I forced him to go.

Things could get harder. Since I know things could get harder, I'm glad everything is the way they are right now. I will try to be optimistic. If I leave it alone I know everything will be ok.

"I know how it is to love someone"

Lately, I have been hearing that alot. I don't fully understand that sentence. I could never say that to another human being. Love is different for everyone. I know how it is to love him... Because I believe I love him. But I don't know what it is like to love someone. I am not about to generalize my love. What we had and what we were.....were different. We weren't like any other. He was different. And I broke his heart. I messed up. Nothing I say comes out right. Nothing I do fixes anything. A great friend said today, "Let go of everything you worry about, let go because it's just eating you inside... Clear your mind and sleep at night. The reason God doesn't sleep is because so he can worry about all those things for you". She said to leave things to faith. Once you let God handle them he already knows whats best for you....So there is nothing to worry about. I think that was the best advice anyone has given me. She told me to have faith, she didn't tell me to move on, date other people or a whole bunch of stuff I am not ready to do. She told me exactly what I needed to hear. For the good portion of tonight I was in a good mood and happy. I was trying not to cry because it's over but smile for him ever coming into my life.

Hanging out with my favorite girls was fun. My dad let me have his car tonight which was a miracle. I think it's because of the way college stuff worked out. I was driving around possibly to meet up with Emily... I decided to call him and I woke him up. I still feel bad for that. I just wanted to leave a message saying goodnight. He is really sick. He is in pain. I did that to him. It was really hard to be there. It was really hard to see that I hurt him so much. And I continue to hurt him. Obviously, that's not the way we wanted things to be. Tonight was special like everyday spent with him. We drank tea earlier. Christie makes fun of me for drinking tea all the time:) chai is good for you.

CRAZY DAY&NIGHT

CRAZY!!!!

My morning was good even though I had to wake up at 5:00 in the morning. It was still good, cuz I saw him. We talked it was nice. We had chai together and thats always good. A cup of chai with him makes all my pain go away. A smile from him, makes every problem in the world disappear. A hug from him, makes my legs go numb. Just looking at him, soothes me.

What a great day with him. It was amazing. Everything was going to be better. We were on good actually great terms. Nothing in the world matters when we are on good terms. He was amazing. He looked amazing. He smelled amazing. God, how much I want him.

Today, I went and got a whole bunch of stuff for my car. That was nice. Now, I have to fix the door. So finally I can get out of my car:) But that doesn't even matter. Cuz when I got home, I checked the mail and I got accepted to CU Boulder. YAY. He came and hugged me and held me in his arms. Everything seemed so perfect, we fit into each others arms so nicely. I was so happy. Getting into college was nice, but having him right there was so much better. He is so perfect.

God, I never wanted to let go. But I had to. We had to go to the gym. It was nice going with him. Sitting in his car, looking at his perfection. How he drives so perfectly and everything he does is flawless, I keep falling deeper in love with him. Maybe, if he wasnt so amazing, my love wouldnt grow but every action he persues is like......driving me crazy. i love him.

Gym was nice. Sitting there in the Suana. Looking at his sweaty body... He makes me go crazy. I couldnt say enough, but the words just don't come out right. Nothing I do comes out right. I fuck up when I think that I'm don't. I fuck up everything. Right when we were being better I fucked up again. It seems like everything is against us. I want alot of things. I don't give a shit anymore. I don't care what anyone might say. I don't care what he might or will think. I'm going to write him notes, I'm going to hug him at school, I'm gonna call him to say goodnight, I'm going to dance up on him, I'm going to make every effort to make this work. I'm going to work on us.

Even if he is dating other girls...I can't just go do the same thing because that's not like me. I can't just waste my time like that. The only reason I would even think about doing that is to make him jealous. But that doesn't even make any sense. Why would I want that? All I can do is show him that I love him, and I'm ready to make him happy, make us happy. And I know everything is going to be better. Cuz I know things will work out. I love him. And nothing can come between our love. Not another girl, or a stupid fight. I will wait until the end of time if I have to.

He is sick, so I hope he gets better. And I hope he can smile after he reads this. I hope he reads it. Everything is so hard but I have to stay strong. I will do everything for him. And now I have to let him go and wait quietly and patiently.

One week passed me by...

Hardest week of my life. To think that only 7 days ago we could have made everything so different. To think that 7 days ago we were kissing, holding each other, loving one another more than ever, to think that we were on our way to be happy....and then it fell apart. Everything fell apart. But that's life. Things change. What can you do? These are the types of things I have been hearing from the one I love. It is hard. But I just have to take it as it comes my way. To know that I can make us happy and not being able to show that...sucks. To know that we could be going out, not caring about anything, dancing, cuddling, kissing... But it's all gone.

Today was hard. Difficult morning. I brought it upon myself. I can't complain. But it was nice to look into his blue/gray eyes. Maybe things would be easier if he stopped looking so cute:) It's not about how cute he is though, that has no significance...I valued him in every way. Not just his looks.

I went to the mall today, I exchanged a few things I bought. I'm stressed out. I stress him out. This is so hard. My world was so about him, now that he is not in my world, I have nothing. This is so so difficult. He doesnt believe or trust me. I was the number one person he trusted a week ago. I took it all away. Then maybe if I told him, would he believe that I could make him happy? Probably... Bad timing. Stupid fucker... All added up and ended us for good. I need to tell myself it's for good. I need to tell myself it's over. If I keep telling myself it's done with then I might start to believe myself. Right now, it's just hard.

Emily. I love her. She was with me the whole day. We went to the hookah bar. That was really chill. NO MINT???? I was upset:) We are going down there tomorow too. Emily and I are gonna dance away our problems. I'm excited.

8 hour community service tomorow. I'm looking forward to that. How exciting. What is the point of punishing me for a crime that I can never commit? Some laws are retarded. But they keep order. So, I can't complain. I need to sleep. He said he would call. But he didn't. I guess I can't blame him...After everything I did to him....He doesnt read my blogs, I think he stopped. Why should he? I wonder if he is just acting tough... maybe he has hope that we could fix it as much as I do. But I have no right to say that or think that. He is moving on. I guess, at one point in time I have to, too.

Today was the first time I had breakfast and dinner. I guess I started eating better. I need to ease myself in slowly. I can't just gain everything back. Not after I worked so hard. I look alot better now. Too bad there is no him to appreciate my body. After all, that was all for him too. I hate that kid. He took away the most amazing person in my life. I cant blame it all on him but I can blame him enough to hate him. We were gonna fix stuff. He didn't even give us a chance. He just went and took him away from me. It's like everyone is against us being together.... He had no reason to be against us, but he wanted to separate us and he did... Everyone tells me to move on. Why can't they tell me to wait, or love, or something that is more hopefull? Why do they not want us together? Not when he have so much love? If you can't wait for the one you love, who will you wait for. I will wait days, weeks, months, years if I have to. Because I meant it when I said I love you. I meant it when I said I could die for our love. My love just doesn't go away.

Now, I have to deal with this. Hopefully one day, I can be happy. But in the meantime...I am waiting for him. And I love him more than ever.

Longest Day Of My Life

Seriously, the longest day of my life. Did you know if you don't sleep for a week straight you do permanent damage to your brain. You start having anger problems and you go crazy. The longest I havent slept is for three days but that didn't even seem as long as this. This weeek just seems long. Really long. I could really enjoy it but I just feel so alone. That sounds pathetic.

The museum was amazing, fascinating. I loved the attention to detail. Every single body they did was just brilliant. It was a once in a lifetime experience. Everybody should go see the Body Works.

I went to buy new shoes. That was exciting. They are so cute. I'm addicted. I have a problem. I need to save.

I got in a fight with my father. He treats me like shit. What can you do? If I don't go to Boulder, I'm going to kill myself. I need to get out of this house. Right now, I have really nothing going for me. No boyfriend, no job, no life, no parents in their right mind. Wow. Hehe. That sounds pathetic too. I have to be happy, I need to be happy.

I'm looking forward to what today will bring. I hope something exciting happens. I guess if you hope for the worse when something good happens you'll be extra excited. I wanna be extra excited. So, let's say I'm gonna die today. So if I don't die it will be good day. YAY!

Blank But Not Really

Earlier today I talked to my cousin. He lost alot of weight. He is really stressed out. I told him to take care of himself. I am sure he will be fine.

This was hard. I have been trying to write a blog since like 6:00 PM today. Nothing has been coming to me. I have stared at this blank page. Nothing came out so I went and watched TV and then I feel asleep for a little bit. I woke up at 12:00 and then nothing came out again. I was texting Daryl and I called him. Probably the best conversation I have had so far this week.

"Love is blessing when you are with him but it is a burden when you are not" he said. Exact quote. He said "pain and healing is a process, you can't expect to feel better all of a sudden". That boy is a hopeless romantic. He really is. Daryl listened to me and he thinks I have every right to hate him for what he did to us. I don't even know why he lied. But Daryl and I talked about a few possible reasons why he did lie. He told me some stuff that broke my heart even more. Today was madness, I dunno how to deal with all this information. But it is almost 5:00 in the morning. I should go to sleep.

I hate writing short blogs when I have so much going on in my head. But I don't think I can write enough about all my thoughts. I'm excited about the museum tomorow. Dead bodies and stuff. CRAZY! Germans are mad. Hehe.

Goodnight...

Good Morning to this beautiful day!

Today was hard. But it got better. Who sad you can't sleep away your problems?

I saw the craziest dreams. Like my dreams were trying to make me happy. I have never had this happen to me.

When I woke up though, I got worried about my cousin. I wanted to call him and see if he was ok. My heart ached, i was just thinking about Cagri and hoping he was doing good... I feel really lucky, I feel like God is watching over me. I feel good about the future. I feel like I have good things coming my way. I can't believe I feel like this all from a simple nap.

Talking Christina and Emily and making plans for the CSAP days was amazing. It feels good. Cuz I wanna dance, I wanna go out, I wanna have fun. Oh I remember now, I saw in my dream I was dancing.

I was driving two in the morning and looking for an open gas station. How exciting!!! And there was like these creepy guys sitting in their car smoking or doing something like that. That was scary. And it took forever to fill up. Anyways, I am so freaking tired.

Today was not a productive day school wise but other then that it was really a decent day. I'm glad my mind is relaxed for now, and I'm upset I didn't write my blog before twelve cuz now it shows as if it is Tuesday but all this stuff happened on Monday. Whatever.

Goodnight moon.

There Is No Easy Way To Cry

And as I watch you leave I stand
Inside my house of straw
And everywhere I go I find things recollecting to my mind
How right it all could be could be
So right now

Good lyrics.

I loved him. I love him. I will love him. There is no easy way to cry. I will cry until my eyes stop producing tear. Today, he left. It hurt me to see what I did to him. He is in pain. I did that. I'm ashamed. I want him to stop hurting. I want him to be happy. I wish God gave me all his pain, and he was happy. I did that to him. I'm awful. Why did I do that to him? Why, when everything could have been so right? We could have been together right now, not a care in the world, happy, holding each other, kissing each other, making each other happier then ever. I ruined it. I just lost the most precious person in my life. I see no purpose in anything. Why did I do that? I'm going crazy, all I can think about is him and what I did and how he is hurting. My pain is nothing next to his. He doesn't deserve the pain I cause him, but I deserve my pain. I will pray for him to be happy. I want him back, but he can't come back. I'm no good.

He always told me I was good. After everything I did to him, he still told me I was good. I remember the day he got in a small car accident and he called me. I remember how he came over and I held him in my arms in my bed. That was a hard day for the both of us. But I remember being there for him. I wish I was there all the time. I loved our ten month relationship. I wish I could make it happen again. I keep saying the same things over and over again. I love him. I couldn't say it enough. I wanna show him I love him more than ever. It's all too late. There is no easy way to deal with this. Everything had ended. It's all so so late...

It's 11:11, Make A Wish

Anyways, i woke up today to find myself on the...hehe J/K. That's not where I was going with that sentence. Anyways. I woke up today and made my best effort to get pretty and left for work. I'm so glad i'm quitting. April Fools Day is my last day. YAY. Work as usual, boring as hell. I worked in A concourse. So I was just standing there playing with my badge. Taking it off my shirt putting it back on. I kept doing that...And then piece of my skin got caught in the freaking clip. It almost tore it off. How gross!!! I think that is all the objects that has managed to hurt me. I think the airport is the most ghetto place. Alot of stupid, idiots work there. I feel privilaged to finally leave all 100 of my stalkers. God, just save me sooner... Right when I was trying to have a decent conversation with a person whom I thought had somewhat of an ok level of intelligence said that the only quality that makes humans separate from one another are their thoughts. I mean he could argue that very well but not in a conversation where we are talking about the human DNA and genes. I mean I hate it when men know they are stupid and try to act smart by being all philosophical. I say screw that, be yourself and act yourself. Don't try to impress anybody, just be yourself. I think that is good advice. What a dumbbutt!!!

I came home around 4:00. In order to avoid going crazy I have to occupy my mind which doesn't work by the way. I went to the mall and that was the first time in my life I hated shopping. Everything I tried on looked decent. I was happy with that. I only ended up buying a few things though. (got new sunglasses, always YAYs for that) That's not important. Shopping is never really that important.

I hope my wish comes true (going back to the thought of 11:11). I just want to be happy. And I know I will be someday, just not anytime soon. I know one day I will smile again and mean it. I learned that you are supposed to aknowledge your emotions and welcome them. That's what I am working on right now. I feel really proud of myself. I think I'm staying strong. It's hard, my body aches with emptiness. And I know I am trying to fill it with something. But there is nothing that will fill the huge gap that is in my heart. People get used to each other and when they are not together anymore things change. My life has DRASTICALLY changed in the past couple of days. I also learned that change is good, people need change in their lives.

Sometimes, there are things you know and well aware of. Right now, I am aware that everything is over. My mind takes in that information and processes it. I could almost say I understand it. But not to a point where I loose all hope. I know everything is over over over over. BUT I still find that hope somewhere. I can't just fully let go. I feel this all over my body. Today my body ached at work, it ached when i was driving home, it ached when I drove to the mall, while trying on clothes. driving back home, lying there doing nothing, typing up a text message twenty times and not sending it, it ached more when I realized a big part of me was missing....and it ached some more to get out bed and to make one more effort to talk to him, it ached to hang up on him, and it ached some more when I just said "fuck this, I can't handle it anymore, I'm fucking going out". It ached plenty to drive out of the garage..... I cant describe all these feelings I get. I'm lost in my own life. I love him still, nothing has changed... at least for me.

I can't ask him to come back, that would be selfish. I don't wanna be selfish and I'm not selfish. But I am not giving up. I still have my love and my hopes. I'm not insane i'm just insanely in love. Hehe.

Before I got home, I found this CD in my car titled, "everything is gonna be alright". Crazy huh? I really don't remember making it. I was shocked when I listened to the songs on the CD, every single one of them, just "sappy" love songs. I must have made it when I was with him. Because at one point in time we were really happy. I listened to love songs and they made me smile cuz I thought about our love. But this time they made me smile for a different reason when I noticed that half the songs on there were scratched..How ironical!!! Everything is gonna be alright but the songs are all scratched.

Today, a friend told me I over analyse everything. I don't think that about myself usually. Just in some cases. I have thought of everything I did for the past month. I over-analyzed that. I FUCKED UP big big time. But you cant change the past. You have to look forward towards the future. But I love the past. I can never let it go. I have a problem. So today I was thinking, he is not one of those boys who are shady...he means what he says, so if he says it's done with. It's done with. I know that. I think I know him well enough that this time things are different. Some men are not like that. They change their mind, they are weak , they come back, they leave again, they come back again. He has never left me except this time. So, I know it is for real. It is hard to see that though. My fingers are shaking. Tears dripping onto my lap. I can't write anymore. What's the point? Will he read it? Why would that matter even if he did...Cuz it's just gonna push him further away from me....I need to sleep. I need him.

Meet Me In Montaq...

Today was hard but I'm glad I made it through. It makes me better and stronger. I went to the gym. Yay, I lost 13 pounds. Isn't that ridicilous. I weigh exactly 133. I'm amazed and very very proud of myself. My mom is worried though, she thinks she is gonna have to buy me all new clothes if I keep shrinking.

After I came back from the gym, I called my brother. He talked to me. He listened to me cry for more than half an hour. He listened to me and supported me in every way possible. I'm privilaged to have him through these hard times. I told him that I really loved him, and I still wanted to be with him and I told him to keep his promise because he said to me "if he ever hurts you I will hunt him down". I know he was just kidding... I can't make my brother force this guy to be with me. I'm not that childish. But I love being childish. I love crying like a child, i love laughing like one. I know one point in time he liked that side of me too. My brother talked to me and made me feel better again. He showed me I can deal with the hardest things happening to me because I have dealt with so much in the past. My brother showed me that I'm a guy inside. I'm tough and strong:)

After that, I made my best effort to get pretty and I went over to Christina's house. We went to watch this crazy movie about these crazy possessed people... I was about to pee my pants. I got really really freaked out. So that was exciting. Probably for about five minutes I was completely focused on the movie... I mean I understood the plot but my mind was somewhere else.

It was obvious what I was thinking about the whole time. Christina kept telling me to focus. But I can't. Not when I love someone so much. I know the only time I will be happy is when I am in his arms. And I know that the only time he will be happy is when he is not with me. Him and I are like south and north but that doesn't matter because after all, Earth is a giant circle. While I think to myself endlessly, I make up these really cheesy, sappy sayings. I've got another one, my heart is not as small as my hands. I bet at one point in time many women have thought about that. But I claim them. Cuz I really mean them.

After I left Christina's, I drove around until 11:00 PM. It felt good. I cried to many songs that remind me of him. I talked to my cousin and cried to him. He wasn't much of an help because he was kind of high. But that kind of entertained me:) And then I went to pick up my parents. I drove home. I talked to my mother for a while. I cried to her. Told her how I feel, I told her how he is different than all the other boys. I love how she is supportive, but she still doesn't understand. She just doesn't get that I love him so much. I kept crying and she kept kissing my forehead. That meant the world to me. She made me happy momentarily. I smiled and it felt good.

I watched a good portion of Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind. "I need your loving like the sunshine". And that reminded me of myself. Drving in my car, frosty wheather, alone with my tears and my pain. It felt good to aknowledge all that emotion. I smiled again. I love how Joely changes his mind and decides to keep the memory where Clementine says, "Am I ugly?" and Joel starts kissing her calling her beautiful over and over again. And they are laying in bed naked. Holding each other like nothing else matters. How could you not wanna keep that memory? You know, I wanna keep every memory. Every memory shared was amazing. I wanna keep all of it. And then as I think more to myself....

I still have hope, maybe one day.... He will "meet me in Montaq..."

Love Is Enough

As you may recall my previous blog "Love Is Not Enough" you may see the change in my feelings towards love.

I never knew love, never felt it from anyone actually. I know I love my parents and they love me, but for some reason we failed to show it to each other.

Nobody really got to see my pure, lovable side. Except one person. And I love him with all my heart. I felt love, I still feel love towards him. I know I fucked up. Maybe I cant fix it. I know he doesn't want me or love me anymore. But I care about him. I love him. I can't say it enough. I love him so so so much. I know I'm heart broken and I deserve it in every way. I wish the past ten months I gave him the world. However, I failed to do that. I failed to show him that I loved him. I hurt him many times and in many ways. Now, I know I deserve to cry. This is not just some stupid thing. I know I will be hurt for a long time. I cannot stop loving him. Once you love someone you always love them. I cared about him for three years and I will continue to care about him.

Now, all I can do is wait until he is ready to be my friend. Then, he can see how much I love him and I'm willing to do anything for him.

Today, I died a little inside. I lost something so precious to me., the only person who ever loved me. I can't say "please come back to me", cuz I know I don't deserve you.

When you read this and you feel something that means you still love me. And that even is too much for me. I dont deserve your love. I don't deserve you. But I will always love you.

Even though, you hate me crying, I will cry. I will cry everyday. Even if you see me not crying I will cry inside. My tears mean nothing. My words mean nothing to you. All I can do is let go of my love. My love, I'm letting you go. You are free of everything I have done for you. You are an amazing person. You are everything I ever wanted.... I'm sorry for everything. I still love you and I will always love you...

It's Been A Long Time

Yes, it has been a long time. I have to practice my writing somewhere. Since the extended essay I have not written anything. My life is wasting away. The only time I'm happy, sad, excited etc. is when I am with my honey. I need to relax and not think about anything for a little while.

In the past couple of months, the amount of DRAMA I had to deal with is ridicilous. I hate drama and I want it out of my life. As I am writing this blog, my father is screaming his lungs out about money. Another thing I hate, MONEY. It has become such a problem in people's lives, we should just get rid of it. But somethings you can never do. Our lives are focused around money, drama, people we don't like, etc. I learned that with time you learn to deal with stuff. Life gets easier because you learn to deal with your problems as you age. That doesn't really give me hope. Imagine, you have just as much problems or maybe even more and life gets easier!!!! No, bunch of shit.

I think by the time I am thirty, I'll be already sick of life. Every smile, every laugh, every emotion I show will be an act. Sometimes I think to myself, my mother does that. She has mastered the act of happiness. I want to be happy not act happy.

Over the years, the whole eighteen years that I have been living somewhat a happy life is slipping away.

This is the sad truth of my life. Today I just got rejected from life.