The Armenian Issue

The talk of Armenian issue has always bugged me. I hate when people don't take me seirously about this topic. I know Turkish History very well. My dad could be a politician with everything he knows, I talk to him for hours about everything. But today, I talked to my mom about Armenian Genocide. She never says much about that, she is a loving person who doesn't hold a grudge. I always thought she didn't care for unfairness until now.

Today, she told me about her day at work. She was talking to her friend (there is alot of Turkish people who work with my mom) and this guy came asking for a box for a glass souvenir he just purchased. So my mom was very helpful and she was very polite. He asked her where she was from, my mom simply said "I'm Turkish, where are you from?" with her nice accent. And the young man replied, "I am Armenian" very quietly. My mom smiled and said, "Oh, how great!! We are neighbors!!!". He gave my mom a strange look, thanked her, took his bag and walked out of the store. My mom said to her friend in Turkish, "he probably thinks I don't know any history, cuz I was really nice to him"....Both of them laughed quite hard.
I asked my mother what she thought of the events that occured before and after World War I. She, too lazy to explain herself, handed me a book and said, "read this, then you'll know what I think about Armenian Genocide".

Before I read it, I asked my father who the writer of the book was, he told me about this guy's great accomplishments, how his writings are very reliable and just simply amazing to read.
First thing that caught my eye "What is Armenian Issue and What Is It Not?". Cmon how could this chapter not catch your eye? Instead of starting the book from the first chapter I skipped to this one, I never do that but this one was an acception. He wrote the article in April 24 1982. April 24 was announced as National Children's Day. It is a special day for Turkish youth apparently a dreadful day for Armenians. They say that it is the day we kicked them out of Turkey.

Well this is how it all happened.....
In October 1, 1914 Turkey got involved in World War I on the side of Germany. Which is what the Armeanian committee had waited for a long time. Perfect time to revolt against Ottoman Empire is to do it when they are at war. Since the Ottoman Empire knew about the intentions of the Armenian Committees, they had a meeting in the capital with the headquarters of these committees and made them take an oath that they would not trade the Ottoman Empire during times of war and will fight with us since they are all considered to be a citizen. And without any questions they took an oath to stay by their government and help in times of need. But unfortunately when war came around Armeanians did the opposite of what they had promised and sided with the Russians to fight against Ottomans. With the help of a stronger nation Armenians got simple "war tools" from Russia, and also stuff that they have been hiding in their cemeteries and houses for years. All ready to "fight back", they started with small villages; taking advantage of how most men are at war too busy figting against the Anzacs, French, English and their allies; they killed many helpless children and women. Their excuse for this all is that we were a thread to their lives.

After all these awful acts, the Ottoman goverment decided for a "mandatory migration". The government announced that if this action were to be delayed for any longer Ottoman Empire would not be able to fight in war to its full potential to protect its land. The British suggested certain precautions be taken for the safety of the people who will migrate. Ottoman Empire accepted to take safety in hand first and forced them to Syria for Turks and the nations protection.

As most of us know this is the death journey they all claim. Turks supposeldy killed 1.5 million to 2 million Armenians on this journey. But can I ask how? Just how if according to Ottoman records population of Armenians were only 1 million 300 thousand. And even if you think Ottoman records are not so reliable, most Europe nations say that the Armenian population was between 1 million 56 thousand to 1 million 555 thousand. Also in Ottoman records it is stated the head of the population management was named Migirdich Efendi. (it is an Armenian name). So how I ask again; how is it possible that Turks killed this many Armenians if there is still 280 thousand Armenians living in Turkey and over 700 thousand of them migrated safely???
What is all this fuss about? Can we just be happy and let it go. There seems to be nothing. If I'm willing to let go of the deaths of many children and women caused by Armenians they should let go of some who died during the war. After all we are very close neighbors.

from this to that

Today, i went tanning with my friend Emily. When I look at her I see nothing but this sincere person. From the day I met her to this day, she hasn't changed a bit. Well I was gonna write this amazing blog about love and all this other sentimental bullshit. But I'm in a shit mood so i'm not gonna write anything at all. It's hard to end certain things, but you just must do what you have to do. Free your mind and relax.

...

Wow, I really have nothing to write about. I have been staring into blankness for about ten minutes now. And I have nothing to say.

Gokyuzunde yalniz gezen yildizlar
Yeryuzunde sizin kadar yalnizim
Bir haykirsam bekli duyulur sesim
Ben yalnizim, ben yalnizim, yalnizim

This was for my cousin:)
I think I can just talk about nothing for hours. But I rather not. I am kind of emotionless right now. Must be because of last night. It sucks when your boyfriend wants to yell at you when you are all drugged up. You make no sense. I hate taking those medicines. I hate them so much. But I feel so much better once I do take them.
Family status is a little out of control for now. But I'm trying to manage it. I miss my brother alot. Money is kind of a problem right now. It's all good though. My mom bought a fan today. Our house is burning hot. This fan is amazing. I'm going to buy a new bikini tomorow. Am I being random? Doesn't matter. Today I went to my ex boss' house. It was fun. We sat and talked and ate cherez. It reminded me of old days. It was fun.
I get sentimental just thinking about Turkey, and Turkish customs, and how we used to do things. I miss everything. I miss Istanbul so much. You know I hate being here. I love Istanbul. I haven't seen it for 5 years.
And I hate war so much. I wish US would get out of Iraq. I hate this so much. It makes me wanna cry whenever I hear something about it. I love our muslim brothers. And they are suffering so much. I wish I could do something about it. After all, I have no power. All my life I believed that one person could make a difference in the world. At this moment, I dont really think so. I wish I could stop the Isreali-Palestine issue. But I cant. I just don't understand sometimes.
I think I'm done for now. I'm just really sad now. The world needs fixing.

Short Term Goals

I want to finish CAS stuff
I wanna finish reading Hamlet and I want to start reading A Hundred Years of Solitude as soon as possible.
I want to go book shopping, I have a whole list of books I wanna read:)
I want to get a tan.
I wanna continue going to the dentist and to my doctor for my neck and back problems.
I want to stop eating junk food.
I wanna see Bewitched, Batman Begins, Dark Water.
I wanna get my nails done.
I wanna buy a new swimming suit.
I wanna work more hours and I need to talk to my boss about that as soon as possible.
I wanna manual car. So that means I have to get better at driving manual (I sort of suck)
I want AC at my house.
I want to get a haircut.
I need to drink less and smoke less, but I wanna smoke more and drink more.
I want really good abs, I need to start working on that.
I want alot more stuff, but I need to be satisfied with what I have but I WANT MORE, MORE!!!!!

Oh my god.....get out of my head Mr. C......I will never forget that day where got on his knees and screamed "MORE". Good times, good times.

just a bunch of things going though my head.....

The past couple of days have been very difficult. I could almost say they are just as difficult as the tainted days of 1999. I don't remember the last time my cries meant so much. I have messed up so many times. And I have been forgiven. I don't deserve to be forgiven this time. I am thankful tho. It must be difficult to tell apart real tears from fake ones. Knowing me, I cry over everything. My word means nothing. All I can do is show you that I care, I love; but it's hard because I have been incapable for many years. My heart's been hard as rock and cold as ice. But I will try. All I want is to have everything the way it was. Seems impossible to achieve at this moment, seems like just a nice dream, but I'm willing to put effort into it. I'm really sorry. I will try to show that I am not empty and I have so much to offer but.....I'm sorry.

Today is Yuriy's Birthday

What a crazy day....
So the most amazing girlfriend I am, I surprised him with a little breakfast get together and invited all his friends. He liked it, even though many people made attempts to ruin the surprise. He is just a bit too slow to solve the puzzle but he was surrprised and it was fun. So it was Lauren, Wes, Vitaly, Yang, Emily, Yuriy and I. And all you guys who said you guys were coming and didn't show up be ashamed of yourselves. ....We all had good breakfast. After that; Yang, Wes, Emily, Yuriy and I went to Elitche's... That was also a part of his surprise birthday. We had dippin dots and funnel cake:):):):) Believe it or not that was just as fun as the rides:) It was awesome. I was looking for Wes and Yang. I accidently said "where is Wang and Yes?" I thought that was really funny:) And then....My boyfriend won me a "cat in the hat" hat. heheh...I made friends with everyone. Now I have three boyfriends. One of them is 12 and the other is 7. I wanted to make friends with this other boy but he rejected me. He rejected my friendship, that was really sad:( I told my 12 year old boyfriend that Yuriy beats me and he yelled at Yuriy and Yuriy said "don't beat my new girlfriend up from now on" and I love how he responded "ok, I won't!".....Hehehe we had alot of fun. My stomach got really sick after sea dragon boat ride thing.... We decided to sit on the bench until I got better. I fell asleep on Yuriy's lap for about 20 minutes. It was really cute.
Later during the day, he won me a cute little killer whale. Wes won Yang the cutest giant dog ever. Yang spent 20 dollars on "science of the circle". That was alot of money. But she was really close:)
What else.....So much happened man.... We had alot of fun. I didn't get to go on my favorite ride. I was afraid my friends would make fun of me so I didn't ask them if they wanted to go. I love the tea cups, they are amazing. But oh well. Next time.
Emily and I talked to everyone we saw. We made alot of friends. It was alot of fun. I still haven't given Yuriy his gift. I know he is gonna like it:) If he doesn't, he better fake his appreciation for it:) Well, we pushed back our birthday dinner..It's gonna be tomorow...Hopefully.....
I'm really tired and it is midnight...I have to wake up at 4:30 AM for work tomorow. Thank you guys for helping me with the planing and thanks for joining us at elitche's:) I had a great time.

Hmm funny:)

I work with this really cool girl and she sent me these really cool jokes. I hope you enjoy them, I sure did.

--- A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

--- When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

--- A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four."

--- A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

--- A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Ok, you've read them. ..Aaand you are not laughing. Instead you think they are cheesy.... You think I'm lame for thinking otherwise. Ok, fine, make your fun:(

Summer is not all that great!

On June 6th I had all these great expectations for the summer, but i realize now that summer is just simply too boring. There is absuletly nothing interesting. I do almost the same old stuff every day. Summer is not all I had expected it to be. Not at all. I feel disapointed. I guess it is better to expect the worse, that way when something exciting happens you welcome it with happiness and joy. Since I am too disapointed at the moment, I have no expectations so hopefully something exciting will happen and I will no longer be bored and maybe my summer will experience a little twist.

Love is not enough

Right now, there are so many things going through my head, it is very difficult to just focus on one thought. I know that what I'm gonna write here tonight is not make any sense to me when I read it in the morning and that frustrates me even more. Sometimes I get this feeling where I just feel so empty. There is a blank in my life and I don't know what to fill that blankness with. I don't think enough. I just have blankness, blank thoughts.... There is usually nothing in my mind. And I dunno if I like that. I think I might. I'm well aware of how I cover up my emotions maybe that is why I sort of feel blank. But emotions make you vulnerable to everything and relationships are all about boundaries. You have to protect yourself. And emotions hold you back.
So..... before my blank state I thought alot about the concept of love. You see already this shit is not making any sense. Anyways back to what I was saying; concept of love. Well you see I think there is one kind of love. You love your best friend the same way you love your husband and your mother. I don't think the whole idea of being "in love" exists at all. Just the whole concept of it sounds so superficial. Well this is so pointless right now. I simply don't care so I don't really want to explain myself.
Instead, let's talk about my day. I woke up at 4:30 AM, went to work and since I don't start until 6:30 AM; I slept from 5:30 to 6:30 AM...My friend, Ibette saw me sleeping on the couch and woke me up and I clocked in right on time. I have been good friends with Ibette, she is just so awesome. And I had it marked on my calender that today was her birthday. I completely spaced it. Totally forgot to get her a gift. And she has never forgotten my birthday or christmas or any special day. I hate how I did that. I was gonna cry when I said "happy 18th birthday". I felt just so ashamed.
This other thing pissed me off. So my mom has been offered a promotion at her job and this is gonna make her get paid more than my dad but my father will not let her take the job. He can be so stupid so what if she gets paid more, the money is gonna go to the same bank account. He refuses to let her take the promotion just because he is jealous.
Rest of my day was just kind of sitting around smoking hookah, watching a movie with couple of friends, and just basically relaxing. A pretty empty day:)

What's new?

I JUST WROTE THE LONGEST FUCKING BLOG AND LOST IT ALL. I'M SO PISSED!!!!!!! SO NO NEW BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darkness falls over me.......

My life is shrinking to this ( . ) size. If the most important person in my life leaves, then my life is meaningless.... I will miss everything about my brother. I will miss how we spent most our days fighting for the past 17 years. I will miss how we made up after the horrible fights. I will miss how he called me his "honey" and I will miss how he told me to "fuck off". I will miss seeing his brown face that looks nothing like me. I will miss him call me a gypsy and tease me I'm not family cuz I'm whiter. I will miss him tell me the stupidest lie in the world and how I would believe it anyway because I trust him with all my heart. I will miss how he is always late to pick me up from school/work. No no, I will miss how he is late to do anything and everything. I will miss his smart assnessness. I will miss the look in his eyes when he says "I love you lil'sis'.....I will miss how he sits in front of his computer and plays his games. Even though I barely saw him during the day, I knew that he was upstairs and he was near and that security made me believe he would never leave me. I will miss how he has always been a father to me in the absence of our real father. And our father was always absent. I will miss how he taught me how to drive in one night. I will miss how that one night all his friends, him and I hung out and played games and drank wine and took lots of pictures. I will miss how the same night I cried to him and wished for the same strength he had. I will miss how I cried in his arms. Everything I am and everything I stand for is because of my brother. The strong person I am today I owe it to my brother. The fact that I am not a stupid girl, I owe it to my brother. I thank him for the nights we spent talking about history, politics, life, and everything in between. Without him I might as well die. Without him you might as well lock me up and never give me food, and leave me to rot away. Without him, I'm incomplete. Without him, I'm not happy. Today, I cry because I want him to stay with me. I cry because I'm selfish. I cry cuz I can't let go. I cry because I know I am not strong. I cry because I will make him disappointed if he sees me cry. But I can't stop.

School is over, summer is beautiful, brother moving out :(

I got done with school on Tuesday, that was exciting. I'm officially a senior. Well, thats not so exciting because junior year is the best...It is perfect, there is exactly one year until you graduate but you still are an upper classman. Senior year is not so great because you have to say goodbye to your IB family. Ok, I really do like my nerdy IB family...Love them all.
Enough about that, summer is gonna be awesome cuz I work full time and I don't have a car and I have to do a whole bunch of CAS stuff.
And on top of that, the only man I truly love is leaving me. He is going to Chicago. I love him and I would die for him. Yes, that would be my brother. I woke up this morning and thought about how he was moving out and I started to cry. I was just thinking how I will miss him. I have never been away from him for so long; this one time he left me for two months but thats it. Isn't that sad??? He is leaving on Monday. I kind of like missing him though. Cuz you know there are less fights and less visits to the clinic:) But then the devilish side of me came out and I thought about how I would be alone everyday for the rest of the summer. And I was thinking how I have the whole house to myself. Well I hate to think evil but a thought came over me. Hehe......anyways guys party at Dicle's... Just kidding. I rather be alone:)

Speeding Tickets

So yesterday Maria, Laura and I were driving to lunch, and there was a cop all hidden on Laredo Street anyways Laura being the careful driver she is(no sarcasm I truly mean what I say), she slowed down. But the fucking cop saw us slow down and stopped us. Anyways the bitch gave Laura a 4 point ticket. Well I don't understand the point of speeding tickets. I mean I got a speeding ticket couple of months ago and I still speed. I mean I don't go 20 over but still it doesn't teach me anything. Considering that my ticket was gay anyways,I got one for going 6 over. Isn't that ridicilous?
Anyways back to my day; Yuriy took me home. On our way to my house I told him the story with Laura's ticket and how it's not really a big deal...Blah Blah Blah...
So later that day, I got a phone call from Yuriy...he was pissed and cussing. And I knew that moment he got a speeding ticket too. Well his ticket is 6 points and smart Yuriy was going 25 over.
And two seconds later he was speeding again. Moral of the story; don't speed, speeding tickets suck and cops are mean and evil.

Guys in Eyeliner and Rock Stars

There is something about guys in eyeliner and rock stars. Well if you are not bad ass you cannot pull off eyeliner and if you are just like Trent Reznor then you can pull off anything. I have a new born obsession. I have a crush on a 40 year old man(Trent Reznor). Might sound sick, but he is the only guy I will cheat on my boyfriend with. I mean can anybody be hotter?? To ease down my obsession, I decided to dedicate a blog to guys in eyeliner and rock stars. Let's see, Kurt Cobain, probably the sexiest, dirtiest man who ever set foot on this earth, wore eyeliner on occasion. Well as we all know, he looked damn hot. Not to mention he also wore dresses but whatever let's not talk about that now. Another hot hotness, Johnny Depp also wore eyeliner in his disney movie, Pirates of the Carribean, and yes he also looked amazing. Hmm who else??? Since I can't think of anybody else, isn't that enough? Anyways... Yesterday I had quite the chat with Yuriy, and I realize that I am in an unfair relationship. Let me tell you why, he won't let me sleep with Trent Reznor but I said it was ok if he slept with Carmen Electra. Fuck, I would sleep with Carmen Electra. So anyways, like I said new found obsession with guys in eyeliner and rock stars.

The Best Day of This Year

Well, guess what? Today I took 3 finals, yay!!!! I am done with that wretched english oral. I'm so glad. I feel that much more free. I have not slept for like 50 some hours. I have no idea how my body managed through 3 finals and a fun day. I had a fun day....After all that stress, it feels so good to just relax. Well I'm off for bed. But here's a question for you guys voulais vous couche avec moi, ce soir?

Freaking Out!!!

I'm freaking out people... Today I went to the freaking dentist and he is expensive as fuck...I need to get a second job... I might as well move out of the house. Can I do that when I'm 18?? Who wants to be my roommate? I wanna cry so let's just talk about how I have 4 finals on thursday. First, I start my day with my english oral that I barely worked on, second I have a philosophy final, third history final, and then I have a ToK presentation. Hmm, let's see I'm so excited. I'm just all burnt out for this year. And I have to deal with other stuff. Why cant things be less complicated?
I have a mark on my neck that my brother keeps staring at. He was this close to saying something. For those of you who dont know my brother he is worse than the fucking Russian mafia, so I'm scared for my life.

New Kid In Town

Oh yay this is my first blog:)