Last night was one of the weirdest nighs I have had in a long time. I felt a little something insomniacs feel... you are not really asleep but you are not really awake. Sleep always amazes me. How our bodies function day in day out, how we handle all the extraneous shit faced throughout the night. We take many things for granted... like sleeping. Which reminds me of my last meeting of the semester with the writing department, by the way what a great meeting. I cannot imagine having no contact with other people. Different minds trigger so many ideas I have that are in a mesh and new ways to look at life. I know this sounds so cliché but I honestly think that sometimes we are unable trigger those ideas without speaking to another human being. Even if it is something so obvious or may seem like common sense. For instance, at the meeting we meditated for a little bit. I used to meditate all the time or do something spiritual but now I do not have the time. The last statement made is just embarrassing to read over, what a horrible cop out.
The professor who is currently teaching "ways of knowing" in the department lead the session. Her voice was very soothing. We were having dinner and she asked us to stop eating and just pick one piece of food. Then we looked at it, we thought about it. We imagined how it would taste if we were to put it in our mouths. We pictured the texture of it, the sound it would make. Then we discussed, were does this piece of, let's say, lettuce come from? Who plants it, who takes care of it, how many people are involved in this simple process of providing lettuce for commercial use? You may think that this lettuce you get at Safeway for $1.00 does not mean much but it does. When you think of how many people work for this one goal and how many people in this world do not have that one piece of lettuce or the money to purchase it... or all the other shit you ignore and I ignore when we eat and sleep and go to class and countless other things. What may seem obvious statements are the things we have mastered to ignore all our lives. We walk and sleep in ignorance. I encourage us and everyone to be aware of how privileged we are and at the same time how ignorant. Tonight, when we go to sleep, thank Allah or God or your parents or this country or anything, for the place you are at and be aware there are many underprivileged people out there who do not have any of that. I encourage us to take action and donate 10 dollars to the people of Sudan who have been suffering a great deal since 2003. The genocide that is happening in Sudan is one of the greatest examples of our Western culture's ignorance. Let's do something as a community and try to break free from our daily ignorant routine.

I never thought that doing the same exact routine with a different mind set and emotions would be so hard. I woke up early like I do every Monday, I took a shower and went to my meeting. I do not think that my mind was able to observe the outside world until about 12:00. I blocked everything out for about 4 hours. Now that I think about it, that sounds crazy. It helped to think through things and get my mind straight. I spoke with Taifur today. It felt good to talk to someone who has a positive outlook on life. Sometimes I need some help finding that little happiness. Although most of the time I am good at it but today or the past couple days have not been the best days of my life. I must admit I have been getting better at it though. I just get sad when I am by myself. It's always very hard to fall asleep or be alone when mixed up in emotions. Anyways, Taifur what a great guy. I never knew before.

Rest of my day I just thought about how much stupider can people get. I have this friend whom I think is dumb as a brick. It's a mean statement but honestly she is. I was trying to engage in a somewhat of a casual conversation with her by asking her how her weekend was. She replied with the stupidest thing I have ever heard. She said,
"My weekend was great, I broke up with my boyfriend. He got a stupid hair cut and his hair was so short that I just had to end it. He looked ugly."
Damn, how shallow can one get? What do people think? It feels great to know that our intricate relationships with people and loved ones hang on by such a thin thread called looks or something stupider (lack of better words). Anyways, my rant on women who are not very intelligent... not very interesting... Now, I got to do more work and more work and possible kill myself after Thursday. Although I might refrain from doing that because I am afraid my hell would only consist of doing Chemistry and Physics for the rest of eternity... That does not sound appealing.

Today was the day I realized that I have great friends. I have taken them for granted. I know how it feels to be taken for granted because I feel like I have been taken for granted. It hurts to know that you are not appreciated. It hurts to know that you mean nothing. Your feelings are nothing more than worthless junk. I am hurt that I didn't appreciate my friends for a long time. I feel like I have fucked up. I don't know where but I have fucked up big time. Today, I am here because of the mistakes I have done for the past 4 years or however long I have been fucking up. I wish I could change this but I cannot. It is out of my hands. I have been trying to explain myself and get something out but no response. I can't do this anymore. I cannot push something that is not meant to me. I was wrong. He gave up. I am hanging here by myself. It is very difficult. I don't know how long I can hold on for without knowing. I am weak. I get weaker by the day. Today, I was very sad. I have not been this sad for a very long time. I don't know if I am the only person who feels this but when I am very sad I get sick to my stomach. My whole body reacts in ways I never knew before. It's very exhausting to try to describe it. I can't help it.
I spent the whole day with Carolyn. Nothing was the same because I was not myself. I am heart broken and she is too. I do not know what to do. I just do not want thanksgiving break to come. I want to keep busy and not think about anything. I cannot imagine sitting at my house all by myself for 9 days!?!?!?!? what will I do? Thinking evokes emotions... I don't want anything... I just want to study. I want to sleep and never wake up.

I am exhausted

Last couple of days, I have been amazed at my body and how it is holding up with all the stress of life. Today I give up. I can't do this anymore, I am exhausted emotionally. I'm sad.... I am every word for sad. I am exhausted. I am direction-less. I am lost. Today, I lost the little bit of happiness that I was holding onto for so long... Therefore, I can't do this anymore... Because I am exhausted emotionally. I was home all afternoon by myself. I love when that happens but today I hated being alone. I felt alone, I feel alone. Nothing has changed.... I realized that I have felt this for a long time. Today that feeling was enhanced. I am lost and alone not to mention, exhausted emotionally...

I can't come up with a clever title for all this...

Today was one of the longest days I have had in awhile. I cannot complain because I love what I do these long dreadful and at the same time very rewarding days.

Here in the writing department we meet every couple weeks to see what our goals are for the year. Today was a very interesting day. We had another of our meetings... not to mention we got delivery from noodles and company so that was pretty much a guarantee that Julia, head of the writing department, had something in mind for all us. Although, as usual the meeting took a different turn and we talked about being able to bring passion to the classroom while incorporating the personal and technical ideas or something like that.... well we didn't really come to a way to do that so the conversation just kind of went all over the place. But the whole discussion of passion made me think of if I would consider myself a romantic or if I would be be able to recognize romanticism.

Unfortunately.... I don't even know how to recognize passion when I see it. I love doing lots of things and I have interest in many different topics but can I really say that I am passionate about _____? I do not think I am at that point in my life... I remember saying couple years ago that I was passionate about art. Am I really? When was the last time I painted or produced a piece of art? I cannot recall. I also remember saying that I was passionate about music. I only played the viola for 3 years. I go in and out of phases where I "have" a passion for about a year and then I am done with it. Nothing in my life provokes that much emotion in my life for me to call it my passion. For those few of us who are lucky have chosen their passions lead a live where many of the things they do is focused and I feel like I am all over the place. I think that is a good way to describe where I am at this point in my life. All over the place! Well now come to think of it. Do I wanna be that person who has a fixed passion and is so focused on this path of life? How is one supposed to learn and establish and experience and..... I don't get it. Once again I have managed to confuse myself.

This makes me think of an assignment that I have for my psychology class that is due on Friday. I am very excited to write about it. I guess I can say that the current topic of discussion is kinda my passion:) Heh, the usage of the word kind of makes me laugh. We are talking about gender, class, and race. I am going to analyze the gender, class, race issues portrayed in movies that are out this week and I have to write a psychology paper on it. I am quiet excited to do that:)I believe I can really work with that.

Anyways, this was a long and dreadful post. By the way, I am very proud of myself with all this shit I am doing for work and school, I am currently on the path to finishing the novel I am reading. How exciting, I might just finish in the next couple of weeks and start a new one:) Who knows:)

Take this...

Last night, I accidentally left my music on. I believe sometime in the middle of the night I experienced what people call, "half awake, half asleep" sensation. Have you ever listened to a piece of music and felt your body pulsate as if you felt every beat in your veins and the blood flow through them as if your heart is in perfect tempo with every sound that comes out of your computer's speakers???? Yeah, what I felt last night was pretty much what I described times eh let's say ten. We are constantly so aware of our surroundings that we cannot stop for one second and focus on one minuscule, meaningless, satisfying, waste of time of something.

I have also developed an interest in the concept of sleep. I don't understand how people talk in their sleep either I should do some research on that. I wonder if sleep talking occurs during REM sleep cycle. Somehow I highly would disagree with that because it would make more sense to sleep talk when one is in the beginning stages. Anyways.... back to music.

I do not understand how every artist does not strive to do that to their listeners. Music has become such an institutionalized commodity. Most artists care about making money and selling albums. They produce music where they know is in high demand and will sell. What happened to being daring and doing what you love?

In the writing class, we organized a workshop that was focused around how to integrate quotes into your essat correctly and effectively. In order to make it fun we related it to music. We came up with three terms; the biters, commercial rappers, and the innovators. The idea was to show kids the correct way to introduce a quote, stating the quote and explaining what it was about and how it related to their paper. So, the example we had for commercial rapper was P.Diddy and the song that he took from the Police. He is the commercial rapper because he takes a song which is already popular and spits it back out in the same form with little or no personality added. He knows that when people listen to that song, they will think to themselves, "I know this song, it's from that band Police". Diddy is doing what is popular not something that is his own material. He does this so often that I do not even know what is his own material. Did I mention that he is a terrible dancer? He has no coordination. Enough about him. I should bash Avril Lavinge or someone. There is so many of them I do not know where to start.

But now imagine a song like All That Could Have Been by nine inch nails... There is so much emotion, personality, originality, passion, love, hate, despair, regret.... You feel all those and then some when he is playing the piano and every time he opens his mouth. You feel the rhythm of it all over your body... What else can I say. He says it all. That is how music should be...

Promise.

Eh

I have decided that our personalities are so malleable. Maturing doesn't justify how we are so impressionable. Everyday we drop values that we held onto so strong before (however you would like to define before) and yet those values are so easy to be forgotten. Anyways, I had a good thought going with this...
I have been thinking that I have no intellect. I have been reading the same novel for the past three months and I am not even half way done. I am incapable of making time for something so essential in a person's life, reading. I've forgotten how to form grammatically, structurally, correct sentences. I am ashamed. I feel like a hypocrite when I read my students' essay. In the writing department, thats what we are striving to do yet, I haven't written anything nor have I read a page of my novel. I made a book list over time summer but unfortunately I was only able to cross off a minuscule amount:

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Back Roads by Tawni O'Dell
The Best Way To Play by Bill Cosby
Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
The Book of Ruth by Jane Hamilton
Breath, Eyes, Memory by Edwidge Danticat
Cane River by Lalita Tademy
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
Cry, The Beloved Country by Alan Paton
Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende
The Deep End of the Ocean by Jacquelyn Mitchard
Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz
Ellen Foster by Kaye Gibbons
Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald
A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry
The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck
The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers
The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou
Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman
House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III
I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb
Icy Sparks by Gwyn Hyman Rubio
Jewel by Bret Lott
A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J. Gaines
Light in August by William Faulkner
A Map of the World by Jane Hamilton
The Meanest Thing To Say by Bill Cosby
The Measure of a Man by Sidney Poitier
Midwives by Chris Bohjalian
Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes
Night by Elie Wiesel
Open House by Elizabeth Berg
Paradise by Toni Morrison
The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
The Rapture of Canaan by Sheri Reynolds
The Reader by Bernhard Schlink
River, Cross My Heart by Breena Clarke
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Songs In Ordinary Time by Mary McGarry Morris
The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner
Stolen Lives: Twenty Years in a Desert Jail by Malika Oufkir
Stones from the River by Ursula Hegi
Vinegar Hill by A. Manette Ansay
A Virtuous Woman by Kaye Gibbons
What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day by Pearl Cleage
Where the Heart Is by Billie Letts

Of course, I stole some of these from Oprah. I say, don't hate because of my Oprah love. I love Oprah. Not to mention that she has a good book list.
I also have collected about 3 or 4 months of National Geographic that I have not even opened. I know there is so much I am interested in that is written in those glossy pages but I have not had the time. Although, I know saying that is a big cop out. The other day, I was so stressed out about how I had no time and the hypocrite I am, I sat down and calculated how much time I work and how much time I waste going to school. Here's what my calculations look like:)
There are 168 hours in one week and I spend about 7 hours a night sleeping which makes 49 hours of sleeping a week.
So 168-49= 119 hours I spend out and about.
I work about 25 hours a week and lets say I spend about 2 hours a week for driving and getting to work that makes 27-28 hours just for work.
so 119-28=91 hours for school, homework and fun.
Unfortunately, I am a full time student, I have school five days a week from 8 AM to 5 PM so that makes that makes 40 hours so 91-40=41 hours for fun.
Everyday i probably spend 2 hours eating/making food so that another 14 hours
41-14=26 hours of fun. Well, somewhere in there I make time to shower about 5 times a week so that is another 2.5 hours. Still, I have so much time for fun, yet it feels like life is filled with everything but fun.

So, why does it still feel like I have no fun:)
Sorry, I am being obnoxious.

I cant wait to graduate:)

Eventful

I'm going to Project Revolution tonight. I am excited. It is 3:30 and I am really late. Instead of getting a move on it, I am just sitting here and writing a blog.
The other day, I was watching Rock of Love. What a weird show. I guess rock stars can be so desperate for publicity they can go to that extreme to find 'love'? I feel ridiculous when I watch TV. The shows on TV are just obnoxious. Unless you buy cable or direct TV all you can watch is nonsense. Anyways, I guess your best bet is to just read a book:)

I have been thinking...

Just the other day, I woke up and for the first time in a long time I spaced out. With not a thought going through my mind, I just sat in the same position for about ten minutes. Unfortunately, then a I realized that I had to snap back into the real world, take a shower, eat something, and walk to school, go to all my classes and think all day. observe, absorb.
Over the summer, I have forgotten the stress of school and the real life. By the way, that show "Next" is so dumb. I really should turn off the TV.

I highly dislike pessimism

The other I was thinking about how I never focus on the postive things going on in my life, I tend to find all the stuff that is wrong. So today I came to the conclusion that... this is not a way to perceive the world. Its ridicilous. So here's some negative things that I have come to accept and actually laugh about...

Today, my neighbor and I went tanning. Colorado has been lacking sun so much that for the first time I wanted to get cancer the quick way... So we made our way to the tanning beds. ( I have never done this) I have never heard of this before... stand up tanning beds. How weird does that sound. You stand in this little cylindrical place where you have to hold on to these handles so you get an even tan. Of course, the considerate guys upfront gave us a pair of goggles that are supposed protect our eyes from all that UV rays. Mistake one was that Carolyn and I decided to tan in our underwear... And mistake two was to wear the stupid goggles they gave us. Well since we tanned with our underwear on, in fear of burning our you know... so now we both have a gross slut tan line on our assess aaaannnnndddd unfortunately we have gross goggle tanline on our faces... Well first I was freaking out. But honestly, this is the funniest thing ever. Hahaha. now I can look back and laugh at my situation. The butt tan line doesn't matter. No one will see that. But my face. It is kind of embarassing. Hehe, I hope it goes away until tomorrow morning.

Btw, I like being positive. Makes me smile.

Today is a cool date. 3. 5. 7.

I have always been good with arithmetics. hehe. See the pattern?!
I think today should be ingraved into history. The date reveals a cool pattern. I always find those once in a lifetime 'things' very interesting. Today would have been an amazing day... the weather was nice and I got to sleep in... however the day was ruined by the strenuous biology test. It's odd how I just lable a perfectly fine day bad just because of a biology test.
The problem with me is that I let stress get to me. People who are laid back don't let stress effect their lives, so in the end... they do better. I realize that is a big generalization to make but I feel like this theory has been supported... Well, last semester I was doing better when it came to tests but for some reason this semester I get really bad test anxiety and such.... Anyways, today was a gorgeous day.

I really like Colorado. Although, I must admit I hate it when it snows. I used to love the snow... so clean and white and pretty. Honestly now, I am sick of it. I see the dirty muddy snow on the side of roads and I just want to kick it. It feels like before everything had an order but now the world is crazy. I mean not just crazy, I mean CRAZY! Hehe. . . I live my life so unaware. Often, I need a wake up call, like a huge snowstorm to tell me, "global warming is ruining of biosphere". Hehe.

I want some apple tea. It is late at night. Unfortunately, I have no profound way of ending this randomness.

Affection or real emotion?

Last night before I fell a sleep I was thinking about affection which led me to think about a scene I saw in Grey's Anatomy:). I know I am an addict. A guy had an aneurism in some vessel in his heart and he was brought to the hospital for some complication. He was also going to get married to the love of his life that week. The girls and I were watching this and we all said, "they look so happy". His fiance was so affectionate towards him which made us think they were really happy. Unfortunately, when his fiance learned about the seriousness of the aneruism she left him. What happened to all that affection???

I always thought affectionate couples were really happy. Well I guess I thought wrong. You can be in love without being so clingy and affectionate or you can be in love without saying I love you every second. No one really knows what you really feel inside. Now, I have my doubts about affection... It does not mean the world, certainly it does not mean you love someone or you are happy, maybe it's some sort of a defense mechanism to hide all your pain. I don't know, maybe it means you are really happy. I wouldn't know, this was just an observation I made in Grey's Anatomy. Another life lesson taught by the best show on TV:)