Today was the day I realized that I have great friends. I have taken them for granted. I know how it feels to be taken for granted because I feel like I have been taken for granted. It hurts to know that you are not appreciated. It hurts to know that you mean nothing. Your feelings are nothing more than worthless junk. I am hurt that I didn't appreciate my friends for a long time. I feel like I have fucked up. I don't know where but I have fucked up big time. Today, I am here because of the mistakes I have done for the past 4 years or however long I have been fucking up. I wish I could change this but I cannot. It is out of my hands. I have been trying to explain myself and get something out but no response. I can't do this anymore. I cannot push something that is not meant to me. I was wrong. He gave up. I am hanging here by myself. It is very difficult. I don't know how long I can hold on for without knowing. I am weak. I get weaker by the day. Today, I was very sad. I have not been this sad for a very long time. I don't know if I am the only person who feels this but when I am very sad I get sick to my stomach. My whole body reacts in ways I never knew before. It's very exhausting to try to describe it. I can't help it.
I spent the whole day with Carolyn. Nothing was the same because I was not myself. I am heart broken and she is too. I do not know what to do. I just do not want thanksgiving break to come. I want to keep busy and not think about anything. I cannot imagine sitting at my house all by myself for 9 days!?!?!?!? what will I do? Thinking evokes emotions... I don't want anything... I just want to study. I want to sleep and never wake up.