It's 11:11, Make A Wish

Anyways, i woke up today to find myself on the...hehe J/K. That's not where I was going with that sentence. Anyways. I woke up today and made my best effort to get pretty and left for work. I'm so glad i'm quitting. April Fools Day is my last day. YAY. Work as usual, boring as hell. I worked in A concourse. So I was just standing there playing with my badge. Taking it off my shirt putting it back on. I kept doing that...And then piece of my skin got caught in the freaking clip. It almost tore it off. How gross!!! I think that is all the objects that has managed to hurt me. I think the airport is the most ghetto place. Alot of stupid, idiots work there. I feel privilaged to finally leave all 100 of my stalkers. God, just save me sooner... Right when I was trying to have a decent conversation with a person whom I thought had somewhat of an ok level of intelligence said that the only quality that makes humans separate from one another are their thoughts. I mean he could argue that very well but not in a conversation where we are talking about the human DNA and genes. I mean I hate it when men know they are stupid and try to act smart by being all philosophical. I say screw that, be yourself and act yourself. Don't try to impress anybody, just be yourself. I think that is good advice. What a dumbbutt!!!

I came home around 4:00. In order to avoid going crazy I have to occupy my mind which doesn't work by the way. I went to the mall and that was the first time in my life I hated shopping. Everything I tried on looked decent. I was happy with that. I only ended up buying a few things though. (got new sunglasses, always YAYs for that) That's not important. Shopping is never really that important.

I hope my wish comes true (going back to the thought of 11:11). I just want to be happy. And I know I will be someday, just not anytime soon. I know one day I will smile again and mean it. I learned that you are supposed to aknowledge your emotions and welcome them. That's what I am working on right now. I feel really proud of myself. I think I'm staying strong. It's hard, my body aches with emptiness. And I know I am trying to fill it with something. But there is nothing that will fill the huge gap that is in my heart. People get used to each other and when they are not together anymore things change. My life has DRASTICALLY changed in the past couple of days. I also learned that change is good, people need change in their lives.

Sometimes, there are things you know and well aware of. Right now, I am aware that everything is over. My mind takes in that information and processes it. I could almost say I understand it. But not to a point where I loose all hope. I know everything is over over over over. BUT I still find that hope somewhere. I can't just fully let go. I feel this all over my body. Today my body ached at work, it ached when i was driving home, it ached when I drove to the mall, while trying on clothes. driving back home, lying there doing nothing, typing up a text message twenty times and not sending it, it ached more when I realized a big part of me was missing....and it ached some more to get out bed and to make one more effort to talk to him, it ached to hang up on him, and it ached some more when I just said "fuck this, I can't handle it anymore, I'm fucking going out". It ached plenty to drive out of the garage..... I cant describe all these feelings I get. I'm lost in my own life. I love him still, nothing has changed... at least for me.

I can't ask him to come back, that would be selfish. I don't wanna be selfish and I'm not selfish. But I am not giving up. I still have my love and my hopes. I'm not insane i'm just insanely in love. Hehe.

Before I got home, I found this CD in my car titled, "everything is gonna be alright". Crazy huh? I really don't remember making it. I was shocked when I listened to the songs on the CD, every single one of them, just "sappy" love songs. I must have made it when I was with him. Because at one point in time we were really happy. I listened to love songs and they made me smile cuz I thought about our love. But this time they made me smile for a different reason when I noticed that half the songs on there were scratched..How ironical!!! Everything is gonna be alright but the songs are all scratched.

Today, a friend told me I over analyse everything. I don't think that about myself usually. Just in some cases. I have thought of everything I did for the past month. I over-analyzed that. I FUCKED UP big big time. But you cant change the past. You have to look forward towards the future. But I love the past. I can never let it go. I have a problem. So today I was thinking, he is not one of those boys who are shady...he means what he says, so if he says it's done with. It's done with. I know that. I think I know him well enough that this time things are different. Some men are not like that. They change their mind, they are weak , they come back, they leave again, they come back again. He has never left me except this time. So, I know it is for real. It is hard to see that though. My fingers are shaking. Tears dripping onto my lap. I can't write anymore. What's the point? Will he read it? Why would that matter even if he did...Cuz it's just gonna push him further away from me....I need to sleep. I need him.