Meet Me In Montaq...

Today was hard but I'm glad I made it through. It makes me better and stronger. I went to the gym. Yay, I lost 13 pounds. Isn't that ridicilous. I weigh exactly 133. I'm amazed and very very proud of myself. My mom is worried though, she thinks she is gonna have to buy me all new clothes if I keep shrinking.

After I came back from the gym, I called my brother. He talked to me. He listened to me cry for more than half an hour. He listened to me and supported me in every way possible. I'm privilaged to have him through these hard times. I told him that I really loved him, and I still wanted to be with him and I told him to keep his promise because he said to me "if he ever hurts you I will hunt him down". I know he was just kidding... I can't make my brother force this guy to be with me. I'm not that childish. But I love being childish. I love crying like a child, i love laughing like one. I know one point in time he liked that side of me too. My brother talked to me and made me feel better again. He showed me I can deal with the hardest things happening to me because I have dealt with so much in the past. My brother showed me that I'm a guy inside. I'm tough and strong:)

After that, I made my best effort to get pretty and I went over to Christina's house. We went to watch this crazy movie about these crazy possessed people... I was about to pee my pants. I got really really freaked out. So that was exciting. Probably for about five minutes I was completely focused on the movie... I mean I understood the plot but my mind was somewhere else.

It was obvious what I was thinking about the whole time. Christina kept telling me to focus. But I can't. Not when I love someone so much. I know the only time I will be happy is when I am in his arms. And I know that the only time he will be happy is when he is not with me. Him and I are like south and north but that doesn't matter because after all, Earth is a giant circle. While I think to myself endlessly, I make up these really cheesy, sappy sayings. I've got another one, my heart is not as small as my hands. I bet at one point in time many women have thought about that. But I claim them. Cuz I really mean them.

After I left Christina's, I drove around until 11:00 PM. It felt good. I cried to many songs that remind me of him. I talked to my cousin and cried to him. He wasn't much of an help because he was kind of high. But that kind of entertained me:) And then I went to pick up my parents. I drove home. I talked to my mother for a while. I cried to her. Told her how I feel, I told her how he is different than all the other boys. I love how she is supportive, but she still doesn't understand. She just doesn't get that I love him so much. I kept crying and she kept kissing my forehead. That meant the world to me. She made me happy momentarily. I smiled and it felt good.

I watched a good portion of Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind. "I need your loving like the sunshine". And that reminded me of myself. Drving in my car, frosty wheather, alone with my tears and my pain. It felt good to aknowledge all that emotion. I smiled again. I love how Joely changes his mind and decides to keep the memory where Clementine says, "Am I ugly?" and Joel starts kissing her calling her beautiful over and over again. And they are laying in bed naked. Holding each other like nothing else matters. How could you not wanna keep that memory? You know, I wanna keep every memory. Every memory shared was amazing. I wanna keep all of it. And then as I think more to myself....

I still have hope, maybe one day.... He will "meet me in Montaq..."