I feel so lonely. I used to enjoy my Dicle time but now, not anymore. I feel like I'm sick of Dicle time. I don't want to be alone anymore. But it's fine. I am dealing with it just fine.
I learned something new today. If you can't love yourself you can't love anybody else. I have heard that before many many times. But I never really thought about it. I think I finally love myself. I feel like I am a good person. He came into my life and fixed my fucked up self. It would be a shame for me to say I am miserable. I am what I am because of him. I have become better even though I have failed to do the same thing for him. It is such a shame. I feel like I didn't have a chance to show him how great things could be. But I am happy. He made me happy. He still makes me happy. I can't say I don't cry or I don't miss him. I miss and love him plenty but I am happy he came into my life and I had him for ten months....ten amazing months. There are no words to describe how I feel so why bother trying.
I have so much belief and trust in us. I strongly believe I can fix this situation. Nothing is impossible. I believe that one day everything will feel right again. Him and I wont have to supress our love for each other. It will feel right to kiss again. And I know it will be a good kiss, amazing kiss. Over the past week our relationship has changed. I know we needed this. It seems like I am so fixed on what I want, which is to be with him but maybe this separation is good for us. I know that when or if we get back together our relationship will be that much stronger. I hate saying this but I like the pain I am dealing with. It shows me how much I care for him. I can't just brush this off. I love him. I can't just get over this, or deal with it. I can't fill in his space with anything. And I like that. I feel confident. I feel like I'm embracing everything that life has to throw my way. I am happy.
I am excited for the summer. Its going to be crazy. Not to mention I am going to miss him so much. Turkey would be so much more fun with him near. Colors are brighter when he is near....but it will still be alot of fun. College will be amazing too. I am excited.
I love driving in the snow. The thought of me losing control of the car really amazes me. I guess I want that loss of control. I want things to catch me off guard. I am always so sick of planning things. I think to myself and I am always thinking in terms of future. I guess I should only think of today and today only. My life would be easier to deal with. Not that my life isn't easy. I think I make things simple. I hate drama, I hate complications. I try to avoid them. The more I try to avoid them the more they find me. I guess I need to get used to life. Life is tough. You just have to learn how to deal with it.
I was watching Friends earlier. I had never seen this episode. They were talking about their "Lucky Number" (how many people they have been). My "lucky number" is 1. Everyone else fits in my "unlucky number". I mean why call it the "lucky number" to begin with. There is nothing lucky about it. There is only 1 person who ever loved me, cared for me, treated me like a lady. wow. The more I say stuff like this, the stupider I feel. I made all of that go away. But I have enough confidence in my love that I will fix his broken heart.
I didn't just break his heart, I broke my heart too. He didn't do that, I did it to myself. It sounds ridicilous. But that's true. I always go fuck up stuff. I'm done doing that from now. I learned something from this experience. I learned that my girlfriends will always, no matter what, will stick by my side. It feels good to know that. I love that they are right here. I can rely on every single one of them. I love them. Past week I have felt a ray of emotions. I have learned to show that I love. I think I love myself. I went from sad to angry to frustrated to depressed to relaxed and such.... I still have alot of hope. I don't think my hope is ever gonna go away.
I learned something new today. If you can't love yourself you can't love anybody else. I have heard that before many many times. But I never really thought about it. I think I finally love myself. I feel like I am a good person. He came into my life and fixed my fucked up self. It would be a shame for me to say I am miserable. I am what I am because of him. I have become better even though I have failed to do the same thing for him. It is such a shame. I feel like I didn't have a chance to show him how great things could be. But I am happy. He made me happy. He still makes me happy. I can't say I don't cry or I don't miss him. I miss and love him plenty but I am happy he came into my life and I had him for ten months....ten amazing months. There are no words to describe how I feel so why bother trying.
I have so much belief and trust in us. I strongly believe I can fix this situation. Nothing is impossible. I believe that one day everything will feel right again. Him and I wont have to supress our love for each other. It will feel right to kiss again. And I know it will be a good kiss, amazing kiss. Over the past week our relationship has changed. I know we needed this. It seems like I am so fixed on what I want, which is to be with him but maybe this separation is good for us. I know that when or if we get back together our relationship will be that much stronger. I hate saying this but I like the pain I am dealing with. It shows me how much I care for him. I can't just brush this off. I love him. I can't just get over this, or deal with it. I can't fill in his space with anything. And I like that. I feel confident. I feel like I'm embracing everything that life has to throw my way. I am happy.
I am excited for the summer. Its going to be crazy. Not to mention I am going to miss him so much. Turkey would be so much more fun with him near. Colors are brighter when he is near....but it will still be alot of fun. College will be amazing too. I am excited.
I love driving in the snow. The thought of me losing control of the car really amazes me. I guess I want that loss of control. I want things to catch me off guard. I am always so sick of planning things. I think to myself and I am always thinking in terms of future. I guess I should only think of today and today only. My life would be easier to deal with. Not that my life isn't easy. I think I make things simple. I hate drama, I hate complications. I try to avoid them. The more I try to avoid them the more they find me. I guess I need to get used to life. Life is tough. You just have to learn how to deal with it.
I was watching Friends earlier. I had never seen this episode. They were talking about their "Lucky Number" (how many people they have been). My "lucky number" is 1. Everyone else fits in my "unlucky number". I mean why call it the "lucky number" to begin with. There is nothing lucky about it. There is only 1 person who ever loved me, cared for me, treated me like a lady. wow. The more I say stuff like this, the stupider I feel. I made all of that go away. But I have enough confidence in my love that I will fix his broken heart.
I didn't just break his heart, I broke my heart too. He didn't do that, I did it to myself. It sounds ridicilous. But that's true. I always go fuck up stuff. I'm done doing that from now. I learned something from this experience. I learned that my girlfriends will always, no matter what, will stick by my side. It feels good to know that. I love that they are right here. I can rely on every single one of them. I love them. Past week I have felt a ray of emotions. I have learned to show that I love. I think I love myself. I went from sad to angry to frustrated to depressed to relaxed and such.... I still have alot of hope. I don't think my hope is ever gonna go away.
I know Trent has loved before. He writes his songs for my love as well.
the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you
all that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
1 comment:
Just read all your blogs. I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a shitty mood. I like your idea about losing control. I wish life were that simple that you never had to plan anything, then you would never have to feel bad because you would never think of the future (what you could have had if things were better).
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