Nowhere takes money orders. What the hell? It was frustrating today. And what is up with gas station workers and them having no clue about their surroundings. To know the town pretty well should be their job requirement. People usually stop at a gas station to ask for directions... Well I stopped at three (3) gas stations and none knew where Panda Express was. Emily had one of her orange chicken crazes. Interesting morning.
all I do
I can still feel you
numb all through
I can still feel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
crucified
after all I've died
after all I've tried
you are still inside
all I do
I can still feel you
you remain
I am stained
Great lyrics.
This is how I feel. I want to kiss him. I need him. I want to hold him and never let go. I miss the feeling of his lips agaisnt mine. I want to support him through this. But I'm just making things harder. I'm putting him under more pain. I'm pushing him over the edge. He doesnt deserve it. I want to make him happy. But it's hard when I am hurting so bad. I think about him all the time. But it especially hits me at night. It's so hard to fall asleep. It's so hard to stop crying. But when he is there...It's the best thing to fall a sleep in his arms and his simple brush against my back makes me happy. He makes the pain go away. However, I still cry because I hurt him, he is so amazing and I miss him. I miss him so much.
Last night.... What I would do to kiss him. I was in his arms where I belong. I belong with him. Its so hard. It is never going to get easier. As time passes I miss him more and more. I want to be with him more and more. Whatever I may do to distract myself doesn't even work. I can't distract myself from the pain. He is not in my life the way he used to be. I should be happy that he is in my life but I just want him back. I'm selfish and stupid. I need him. I need to be with him. I need to be in his arms, kissing him, hugging him... But I deserve this. God, I deserve this big time. I deserve this. I don't know what to do. Talking about it doesn't do anything. It just makes me more sad. And I bet it makes him miserable. Why is it too late? But it's fine. I respect what he has to do. It's just something he has to do.
Looking into his watery eyes and hearing his heart beat and his arms around me... seeing him so hurt... I don't even know how to finish that sentence. There are no words to describe how I feel when I see him like that. I broke his heart and when he lets me, I will do anything to fix it.
It's the hardest when he says he has to go. It's the best to hear him say "come here, don't leave, stay with me". I cant even describe how bad I want to go over there. Even if it is for fifteen minutes or even one minute, I want to see him. I love him.
I cry because I hurt him. I don't cry because I am hurting. My pain is well deserved. I cry for him. Right now, I'm listening to this song. I remember we were listening to it in his car, parked in "the park" and we were sitting in the back seat and I kept making him go back to that track and then I fell a sleep on his lap. That night was the first night where I was home really late. But it didn't matter. Everything felt so right. But now, nothing feels right. Everything is out of order. It will take a long time for things to feel right again.
I just wish I met him later in my life. It took me too long to recognize his perfection. It was too late when I realized. He was already tired of pushing us. If I had met him later in my life, I would have recognized how amazing he was right away because I would have been hurt so much. I make bad decisions. I don't know how I let him slip away. I should have made him really happy. I always loved him. I just didn't show it to him. I was so happy with every little thing he did but I just didn't show my happiness. I don't know why. I guess I was afraid besides being stupid.
Over the past couple days I have thought a long time about everything that I did. I was so stupid. I had him fully and then I caused him to leave me. I don't know why. But thinking has helped me figure out how. I don't know why I would want somebody who is so amazing out of my life. But I forced him to give up, I forced him to go.
Things could get harder. Since I know things could get harder, I'm glad everything is the way they are right now. I will try to be optimistic. If I leave it alone I know everything will be ok.
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