Today was a mystery.

I am heart broken. There is no other way to describe what I feel. I am just simply heart broken. I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. I don't want him to call me or text me. And I didn't want to see him. I don't want to see him unless he wants to face us, I don't want to talk to him unless he knows what he is going to say, I don't want him to text me unless he is going to say, "hey, let's talk about us". I know it is hard. I know it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but this is what I need. I have to do this.

Why? Why did he have to go there when I was there? Why did I have to see him. I was doing good today. And then my whole world came crashing down, again. I don't know why??? I don't understand. I need to be away and alone. I can't deal with this otherwise. I was doing ok. I can't handle seeing him like that. So cute and with another. Why? I am in pain. My body ached because I was in shock. I stopped with all my might and just stared at him. I couldn't help but look at him in shock. My hands held onto the wheel so tight. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do! Should I be happy because I saw him, or should I be sad because he was with another? I don't know. Should I be angry? Angry at what? I don't know. I don't know.

I wanted to get out of the car and go to him. I wanted to hug him because I haven't seen him in two days. I wanted to ask him how he was doing. But I couldn't even wave at him or smile. I didn't know what to do... Why did I have to see him? I didn't want to see him. I don't want to see him. it's just so hard. I can't. I don't know what to do. Why am I hurting so bad? I don't know how I drove back to the hookah bar. I don't remember. I was so sad. All I could think about was.... he is going to watch movies all night with her. Once I got there, I didnt want to be there to begin with. I drove back to Aurora.

I went over to Chris'. She held me. I cried and she cried. And we cried together. This is the biggest loss of my life. Knowing that he is right there and not being with him is the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I still love him. Did he go to her because he misses me? I don't know. I cannot imagine filling his place with anyone else. Did he go t o her because he stopped missing me? I love him so much. Why did he go after her? Why didn't he come by my car? I don't know. Did he want to? I don't know anything anymore. I miss him so much. Does he, too? But, I don't know.

My imperfect world was focused around him. Now, my imperfect world is so focused around my imperfect self. I don't know where this is going. But with each day, I have less hope. But loss of hope doesn't mean I love him less. I guess in my case loss of hope means I am letting him go. I do want him to be happy after all. Even if that means, I will never have him again. I had my amazing, imperfect, flawless, frustrating, happy, sad, ten month relationship. I loved it, too. I don't know. Did he try to take back his love? He said he didnt know what it meant. I wish that he didn't talk to me after we broke up. Some things he said were really hurtful.

I don't know. I don't know much. I hate my bed. I hate my room. I hate everything. Why is he not with me right now. He is with her. I don't know. Why am I writing this? I don't even know why. I miss him. I missed him the whole day today. I missed him the whole day yesterday. I missed him alot the day before too. And I know I will miss him tomorrow.

Is he sleeping right now? I wonder what he is up to? I wonder if he thought about me at all today. I don't think he did. If he did... Things would be different. I think that since now I am not in his life, he is happier? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe he is. He looked really good today for another. He always did that for me. But tonight was different. He did that for someone else. Has he left us? Maybe. I don't know.

I think this is how I feel... I don't know though. I didn't listen to this song the whole day. But then I saw him. And my body started to shake.

Can't walk down the street
Can't sit in my room
Can't close my eyes
Without thinking of you
Can't smell a rose
Can't look at the moon
Can't take a breath
Without missing you
It's such a beautiful thing
But it doesn't make sense
Without you babe
If I could I would make you love me
If I could I would leave this place
I'm the one who could make you happy
I try so hard but I can't walk away
Why can't you be here
Why did you leave
Is it my fault
You don't love me
Why do I cry
Why don't you call
Why does it seem
You don't care at all
You don't feel a thing
I don't understand
Why I need you babe

Ok. I dont know. I wouldn't know what to say if he called. But deep inside I still want him to. Deep inside I want to see his face. But I will freeze up again. Why is he doing this to me? I guess I deserve to hurt so so bad. I guess I did mess up so so bad. But can I please fix it?

I wonder if he is still with her? Why does it matter? None of my business. I'm not his anymore. I want to text him or call him really bad. But I can't. I am way stronger than that.

Goodnight.

I hope you liked all the movies you watched with her. My night was decent. I guess this blog is dedicated to you too. Just like how I am so dedicated to you. I wanted to throw away your roses today. I was just going to keep one and I couldn't chose one. All of them head dried up and died. So fragile and weak. Kind of like me. I picked one up of the whole bunch. One rose to remember that night. Not that I could ever forget any night or day we had together. It is 4:00 am.

I still do have hope although it may be less. I don't know yet.

Goodnight.